This is why I'm single...

When I went home for Thanksgiving last month, I had an amazing time being with family and I even got to meet a few new members of it. The one tiny detail about me being the last single person in my family is not lost on me. It's basically my uncle and me and then everyone else with kids.

As the night went on, I underwent all the "are you dating anyone?" questions, and of course informed everyone that, no, I was not dating anyone, but would send out a group message once I was.

This of course isn't that big of a deal to me.

But then, later after dinner we all sat and watched the little ones play.

Everything went a little chaotic for a second with the kids and my uncle looked at me and made a comment about us choosing the right way. Or simple way. Or basically the way that prevented us both from sitting there with crazy kids to take care of.

Without missing a beat I said "You say it as if I had a choice."

It wasn't until this moment where it was like, oh wow. So that's how I really feel.

I've been living my life "single" and doing what I feel God is leading me to do, but deep down as I watch everyone else around me find love, get married and make babies it just makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

I'm not upset about it. But I do wonder.

So I may or may not have bought the book "Loveology" by John Mark Comer.

If I have all this time as a single person, I'm sure as heck going to prepare myself for what's to come.

So I'm reading through this book, and in the back of my head I just hear the whining "why am I single?" You know. Like one of those thoughts you don't give yourself permission to think.

Page after page, of wonderful insight by the way, and I found it.

"The point of marriage isn't to find our missing half. It's to help each other become all that God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other -- the person God created them to be -- and they push and pull each other toward that goal.

Don't get married because you think he or she is "the one." Trust me, they're not. There's no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation. That journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don't want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God's calling on them, and you want in."

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I definitely started crying when I read this.

It was this moment of clarity.

Then suddenly all the crushes, almost boyfriends, and people that I gave a second glance to came rushing through my mind. There was a reason I never allowed myself to let anything become more than it was. It's not that there was a lack of opportunity, but there was a lack of future.

It honestly put my mind at ease when I realized that I had finally found the reason why I didn't have anyone. But it was also the reason why I didn't want anyone.

I have not felt this way about anyone that has ever crossed my path.

You know you have crushes and sometimes you have opportunities to speak up and say something, but you don't. Somewhere deep down inside you know this is just a crush, and it wouldn't actually go anywhere. I like them, but the future I see for them is not a future that I want.

Sometimes I think when we're single we start thinking about all the things that could be wrong with who we are. The reasons why people don't pursue us. We start doubting ourselves and believing lies about who we are only because guys aren't dropping at our feet telling us how amazing we are.

Maybe it's just the same for them? They think you're great, but you are not someone they want their future with. It doesn't have to be made into some self-hating thing. (I am mostly speaking to myself here.)

So someone doesn't want to waste your time! Why are you complaining?

I would most definitely rather not have guys pursue me for the sake of pursuing.

If I have to wait in complete silence from men, for the one person who sees my heart and where my future leads and wants in, then it was worth it.

So until that happens. This is why I'm single...

Good For You, Bad For You, and Not Good Enough For You....

Over the past couple of months, I have had a couple realizations. As crushes come and go, and even almost more than crushes, I have seen how I've reacted to three different types of people.

The one who is good for you.

This guy and you, well, you clicked. It wasn't some thing where you were both in some tragic event together, or have some haunted history. This could probably be seen as the one that's your best friend. You have the same interests, and you can really talk.

This person is the one that drives you crazy in a good way. The one who gets you, and who encourages you, and even puts you before themselves. They truly care.

Then you have the one who is bad for you.

This guy may be a bit of a narcissist. Completely lost in his life, and his goals, and his image. You could be totally lost in his eyes for sure, but there really isn't much staring back at you but hope for some form of validation.

This guy is the one that you sort of just stumbled upon. You didn't really mean to have a thing for him, but here you are hoping that you didn't make it awkward by grabbing his hand in the car, and just wishing that he would give you some form of affection that encouraged your feelings that they weren't in it alone.

Then you have the one who is not good enough for you.

This one may be harder to catch. It can be a mixture of the two listed above. It could be some great friendship, and some unspoken attraction, but deep down there really isn't the thing that you need. The thing that you dreamed about for so long. The pursuit. The chasing. Him fighting to be the one that you choose.

He just isn't that guy. He's either too caught up in his own fear of being rejected, or just doesn't understand your value and the fact that he should be so lucky as to steal your attention for just a minute, let alone your whole life.

Every since my teenage years, I had this idealistic view of boyfriends, and husbands, and  guys that would be the ones to pursue and make their feelings known.

As a woman about to turn 25 years old. I have yet to encounter this mystical creature I shall call "the one."

I have yet to meet a guy who has that thing about him. The one who has the fight. The one who isn't scared. The one who isn't too caught up in himself and thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. And if you know me, that would be some major feat because I love bread.

Today I realized that the person who is in front of me now, isn't good enough for me. He's a little bit bad for me. You see, I am 24 years old, and I'm waiting around for this child of a man to grow up. No no. This is not how it should be.

Somehow, the three guys mentioned above are all one in the same. Sure three different people, but coincidentally, they seep into each category. You see, on paper they can all be separated, but when you add the feelings and the beliefs, it gets tricky.

You see the one who is good for me, really isn't because we have different beliefs that would tear us apart later in life anyways, so really he would be bad for me, and in the end because of our beliefs, it just wouldn't be good enough anymore.

The second guy, is bad for me, but somehow he makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel comfortable and he makes me laugh, and when he's not talking about himself he's a legitimately deep person, and a deeply caring person.

And the last guy, the one that I could have seen so much of the world with. We could have talked about anything, and our dreams could have aligned. In the end, he didn't have the fight, he was afraid. He was caught up. And he made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And in turn, he was placed in the last category.

So, as I enter my twenty-fifth year of life, I vow to wait. I vow to whole heartedly be patient with my forever. Because it is forever. Why would I settle for someone who is good for me, bad for me, and not good enough for me?

When I can wait for the one who is perfect for me...