This is why I'm single...

When I went home for Thanksgiving last month, I had an amazing time being with family and I even got to meet a few new members of it. The one tiny detail about me being the last single person in my family is not lost on me. It's basically my uncle and me and then everyone else with kids.

As the night went on, I underwent all the "are you dating anyone?" questions, and of course informed everyone that, no, I was not dating anyone, but would send out a group message once I was.

This of course isn't that big of a deal to me.

But then, later after dinner we all sat and watched the little ones play.

Everything went a little chaotic for a second with the kids and my uncle looked at me and made a comment about us choosing the right way. Or simple way. Or basically the way that prevented us both from sitting there with crazy kids to take care of.

Without missing a beat I said "You say it as if I had a choice."

It wasn't until this moment where it was like, oh wow. So that's how I really feel.

I've been living my life "single" and doing what I feel God is leading me to do, but deep down as I watch everyone else around me find love, get married and make babies it just makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

I'm not upset about it. But I do wonder.

So I may or may not have bought the book "Loveology" by John Mark Comer.

If I have all this time as a single person, I'm sure as heck going to prepare myself for what's to come.

So I'm reading through this book, and in the back of my head I just hear the whining "why am I single?" You know. Like one of those thoughts you don't give yourself permission to think.

Page after page, of wonderful insight by the way, and I found it.

"The point of marriage isn't to find our missing half. It's to help each other become all that God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other -- the person God created them to be -- and they push and pull each other toward that goal.

Don't get married because you think he or she is "the one." Trust me, they're not. There's no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation. That journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don't want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God's calling on them, and you want in."

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I definitely started crying when I read this.

It was this moment of clarity.

Then suddenly all the crushes, almost boyfriends, and people that I gave a second glance to came rushing through my mind. There was a reason I never allowed myself to let anything become more than it was. It's not that there was a lack of opportunity, but there was a lack of future.

It honestly put my mind at ease when I realized that I had finally found the reason why I didn't have anyone. But it was also the reason why I didn't want anyone.

I have not felt this way about anyone that has ever crossed my path.

You know you have crushes and sometimes you have opportunities to speak up and say something, but you don't. Somewhere deep down inside you know this is just a crush, and it wouldn't actually go anywhere. I like them, but the future I see for them is not a future that I want.

Sometimes I think when we're single we start thinking about all the things that could be wrong with who we are. The reasons why people don't pursue us. We start doubting ourselves and believing lies about who we are only because guys aren't dropping at our feet telling us how amazing we are.

Maybe it's just the same for them? They think you're great, but you are not someone they want their future with. It doesn't have to be made into some self-hating thing. (I am mostly speaking to myself here.)

So someone doesn't want to waste your time! Why are you complaining?

I would most definitely rather not have guys pursue me for the sake of pursuing.

If I have to wait in complete silence from men, for the one person who sees my heart and where my future leads and wants in, then it was worth it.

So until that happens. This is why I'm single...

Love is Work

Recently I've had one thing become so real to me, it's like I was slapped in the face with it. I think sometimes we grow up thinking that love is this magical thing that is just perfect and painless and completely free of complication.

But now I think I finally understand that it's not.

It's not easy. There's not some model you can follow either.

Last week I watched this random country movie on Netflix. This women's husband was arrested and had lied to her and she had gotten so fed up she basically turned her back on him. She ends up running into an old guy friend in her hometown and he's there to comfort her, but you can tell that there's more to it. By the end of the movie you think that she's going to divorce her husband and then most likely end up with this other guy. Then out of nowhere the movie completely turns around and she's decided to take the risk and trust her husband again, and to truly fight for their marriage, and their love.

I cannot tell you how bad I was crying at the end of that movie.

I was just so astounded. These days we see people leaving their significant others for other people, divorcing their spouses because it was too hard. But this movie, this movie was the truth to what love should be.

It was like all of my confusion about love and marriage was cleared up in an hour and a half country hallmark type movie.

Loving someone is work.

Loving someone hurts.

Loving someone is challenging.

Sometimes it's even hard to love someone that you love.

Now, I have never been in a relationship. I have never even been in a flirtationship. But I know, now more than ever, that loving another human being is probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's going to be hard to not take things personally.

It's going to be difficult, being brutally honest when they ask for it.

It's going to be a challenge for me to express how I feeling to this other person who holds my heart, and can do whatever they wish with it.

It'll be tough to be one half of a whole.

But I can't wait.

I can't wait to fully devote myself to someone else.

I can't wait to bicker, and have that one person who basically said yes to hearing you vent until the end of time.

I can't wait to finally be with the person I waited all this time for.

The person I cried over so many nights, praying and asking God why he wasn't here yet.

I read this quote today:

"Do not settle, please do not settle because there is someone out there who refuses to settle, and you are worth so much more than convenience and ease, you are worth a heart that fights for you."

- T.B. LaBerge // Do Not Settle

I see all of these things popping out at me telling me love is hard, it's tough, it's work. Love is fighting for the other person.

I won't choose convenience over real love.

Love is work.

Forever Best Friend

It's getting to that point in my life where it's more evident that certain friendships wont last. 

I'm almost at the very end of my college career and after graduation everyone will disperse. 

I know people moving to different cities and states, doing the things they were born to do!

It's so exciting to see everyone following their dreams. 

I always end up stopping to think about myself in these times, I think of myself a lot actually. I'm an extremely selfish self absorbed person but I don't think people notice much because I'm not verbal about it. 

But anyways, I think about my dreams, and my life here at this wonderful college that has contributed to a significant amount of growth for me. 

I think of all the friendships that will probably fade away, and I think to the hopes that I have always had, the hopes that I would find someone here to be a forever best friend. 

I always wanted to meet someone, you know? The one. The one person I want to be with above all else. The one person who makes me feel safe, or reassured. The one person who can send me one small text saying "good morning" and immediately my day would be made. The person who would let me use their jacket and then "forget" to get it back from me. 

I wanted to meet someone who would be with me forever. The friendship that never truly ends. 

I wanted to meet someone that I never got tired of spending time with. I wanted to meet someone who makes me laugh until it literally feels as though I should have a six pack. I wanted someone who would go on drives with me and tease me and let me tease him right back. 

I'm an idealist. What can I say? 

I wanted to meet the man of my dreams. The man who was somewhat innocent and sweet and there for me. 

My time here was spent pining over guys that were never going to like me. I told God I wouldn't date my first year here because I wanted to be sure that finding a man wasn't the reason I chose to come to this school. Now i'm not so sure it wasn't the reason. My whole life I have wanted that person, why would it ever change, especially in college when everyone is around the same age and all trying to figure themselves out. Knowing that it would have happened in whatever school I chose is a little bit comforting though. 

But I got here and no joke, a month later I started talking to someone. He seemed like a really cool guy and like he loved Jesus. We ended up having a DTR that took place at the most popular DTR spot, the "foursquares." I told him I liked him and then asked if he liked me and he said yes. But because I wasn't dating anyone for a year that was it. We hung out all the time still, walking the lines of friendship and dating. He would text me good morning, and he let me use his jacket and I left it next to my pillow and it smelled like him. I let him drive my truck, which that itself was me being vulnerable. I would grab at the rubber band on his wrist to snap it because I knew he would grab my hand and try to make me stop. Then we would sit there for a few seconds and let go. It was in those little moments where I could feel the butterflies the most. I realized a few weeks in to whatever the hell that was, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. I told him that I only liked him as a friend and the same day he told me he was dropping out and going home. A few weeks later I saw him change his religion on Facebook to Atheist. Dodged a bullet? Yeah I think so. 

But you see, that was the only thing I ever had that was close to a relationship, or close to what I wanted. 

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have wonderful friends who are beautiful and kind and hilarious. They are there for me and I try my hardest to be there for them too. But once your friends get their "someones" and decide that they want to make those "someones" their forever best friends, there isn't much room left for you. You get to attend the parties and toast to a wonderful couple and then you send them off saying goodbye to a little bit of that friendship you will never get back. And that's life. 

I wanted to find my forever best friend here. The one person who I could be completely honest to. The one person who would call me out when I need it, or comfort me when I need it. The person who would love me for me and think that i'm hilarious even when my jokes or stories fall short of even a pity laugh. The person would be sweet enough to want to pay for the tickets even though I asked. The person who would truly understand me. 

I think all I've ever wanted was for someone to understand me. To see me for who I am. I want someone to look at my expression and know what it means. I want someone to ask me if i'm okay and it not piss me off. Only one person has ever succeeded at this. 

I wanted the person who would think of me as more than just someone they saw around campus. More than just the girl who would say hi in passing. I wanted that friendship, with the jokes, and the laughter, and the slowly falling for one another. You know the slowly, but then all at once stuff. I wanted to build a friendship and then it turn into more. I wanted something that would last longer than the four years of college. I wanted something that wouldn't disappear the second we walk across the stage and flip our tassels. 

I wanted my forever best friend. But wanting something so bad it hurts still doesn't make it show up any faster than it's perfect timing. 

I wanted my forever best friend. I will always want my forever best friend. That longing will never go away. I am convinced that the anticipation is killing me. But it will never diminish the joy I will feel when I can look at the people I love on that day, the day I make my best friend my forever best friend, and tell them that he was worth the waiting.