How is it possible, that I can't stop caring?

Somewhere along the way, I think I lost my ability for self-preservation. I think I've lost my ability to say no, and I've lost my hope that anything can come of all this.

I get to the point where I would fight for you. I would defend you with every last breath, even if they are right. Even if everything they say is true. I would defend you.

Not a day goes by where you don't mention some girl who means a little bit more to you, at least for that second.

I'm back and forth, up and down, and yet, you're always there, and I'm always wanting you to be.

I always want you to be there. Hear your voice. See your smile when you're making fun of me.

You infuriate me more than most, and yet you make me smile a lot more than the rest.

You make awful things seem cool and sometimes you wishing to seem cool to others makes me feel awful.

I think that you don't get it. You don't understand how truly great you are. You don't see how your big heart could be meant for someone who is going to appreciate it, instead of young girls who are going to use it for their benefit.

I so desperately want you to see what I see.

I want you to see the dedication, the drive, the heart, the light and the beauty that I see in you.

You are so much better than trying to fit in with the people who will never be what you truly need. The people who live the lifestyle because they don't know what real love truly is. God's love.

And you know His love. You can be such a light for His love. You can spread hope, and joy, and you can be so much more than just someone who tries to fit into the mold that the world has set before you.

You are so much better than this. You deserve so much more than this.

Yes I've said all this before. You don't know the extent of my heart behind it, but you know that I care. At least there's that.

I care about you. I care if you get hurt, or if there's a girl you're interested in who is seriously not good enough for you. I care if your dreams come true. I care if you leave and I care if you stay. I care...

The Hello and The In Between

When it all comes down to it, I guess the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I let my mind, and more stupidly my heart, go there. I checked onto a train going the opposite direction and left them to fend for themselves in the midst of your being.

I wrote off all reason and logic and let my heart really go with it.

I let my mind run with all the encouragements from outer sources, that the feelings of which my heart was taking on could be reciprocated.

I let my mind be changed by positive feedback.

I let my life be turned upside down by your heart.

I let everything that I held dear become nothing compared to being able to spend time with you and make memories that I would have years after you leave.

Stupidly, I allowed myself to really fall for you. Heart and mind.

So here I am. Opening at the coffeeshop after a night filled to the brim with tears and goodbye letters and hope that in some alternative universe you have feelings for me too and it would somehow all work out.

At least five thousand unlikely scenarios race through my mind as I think of the day I say goodbye to you and hand you the letter.

The one I luckily wrote on my phone first rather than paper, otherwise my tears would have made it unreadable.

I think of the best possible scenarios and those still don't seem to be good enough to will you to stay, or me decide to abandon any previous reservations from our differences in values.

It's crazy though, because I have seen it. I've seen the alternative universe. The one where our values collide. The one where you're passionate, but not about the same things.

There was this hope in your voice. This hope that something greater could and would answer your prayers.

I saw the fire around your heart as you prayed. It was new and fragile but as you prayed it grew. It grew and took over your whole body in some amazing fashion that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I saw you sitting in front of us all, asking God to be there with us. Asking God things I'm sure you've never asked him before.

Then I could see how your heart, paired with Christ's, was going to change the world like nothing anybody could have ever imagined.

Somewhere I read that it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worthy of it. As long as they deserve it.

You do.

I've got to be honest, I don't think we could find anyone who doesn't love you.

That's what makes it so hard. You make it really really...REALLY difficult to not love you.

I feel like you would have to try with such vigor to get me to not love you.

I know that it's different this time. I don't see you on this pedestal. I haven't lifted you up to something that you're not. I haven't fallen in love with the idea of you.

I can see flaws and some little things that I'm sure down the road would annoy me to no end. But I overlook them, because in all reality they don't matter. Because it's you.

Things that used to be a big deal for me have seemed to be just tiny differences in our thinking.

Somewhere along the way, in between me liking you and me trying not to like you and then me throwing caution to the wind and becoming fully head over chucks for you, I saw you. I saw your heart. I saw your dreams and passions and family.

I saw all these things that sometimes it hurts to know that I'll be forced to live without them. I'll be forced to say goodbye.

And like I said, the person I'm really mad at is myself. I'm the one to blame.

You took no part in it. You were just there, being yourself. And I was here becoming myself around you.

You sir, were a force of nature, and you came into my life and everything was drastically changed.

So yes I'm upset at myself. But I know that down the road I will never regret it. Any of it.

Getting to know you while secretly harboring feelings for you. Allowing you to be the catalyst that threw me into being myself. Trusting you with tough things, and you in turn completely blowing my mind by how trustworthy you really were.

I don't now, and will never regret these last six months. It was a whirlwind. It was something that swept me off my feet and made me believe that guys like you actually exist.

So I'm mad. But I am so much more thankful that I ended up here, and ended up meeting one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

Even if it had to end in goodbye, the hello and the in between were the most wonderful things I could have ever asked for.

Someday

Rant, vent, share it all.I'll try to catch you when you fall. I'll be here for you, if you ever need. But don't even ask me why I bleed.

It's all about you, but please don't ask about me. My depths go further than ten thousand leagues beneath the sea. If you have to go now, please go run and flee. I don't want to drag you down with me.

You see my surface and that's too much. Don't come near me, don't try to touch. Oh, I'm scum. Honey, I'm dirt. All I bring is the subtle hurt.

It stings at first. But then you'll see. You'll wish you'd never even looked at me. I wouldn't blame you, or use harsh words. If you need to go, baby fly like the birds.

The time will come, when he sees all I am. He'll see the broken, weakened man. The one that I'd have done anything for. The one with whom my childhood was torn.

He'll look me in the eyes, and still see that child. He'll see a beauty that will make his heart go wild. He'll comfort, and hold, and bring me right in. Because he will be the one, to see past my sin.

He will tell me that it's okay, that he still loves me. My past is past, and I've been set free. He will say that it's not what he sees when he looks in my eyes. But that he sees a woman of God free from the worlds lies....