The Hello and The In Between

When it all comes down to it, I guess the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I let my mind, and more stupidly my heart, go there. I checked onto a train going the opposite direction and left them to fend for themselves in the midst of your being.

I wrote off all reason and logic and let my heart really go with it.

I let my mind run with all the encouragements from outer sources, that the feelings of which my heart was taking on could be reciprocated.

I let my mind be changed by positive feedback.

I let my life be turned upside down by your heart.

I let everything that I held dear become nothing compared to being able to spend time with you and make memories that I would have years after you leave.

Stupidly, I allowed myself to really fall for you. Heart and mind.

So here I am. Opening at the coffeeshop after a night filled to the brim with tears and goodbye letters and hope that in some alternative universe you have feelings for me too and it would somehow all work out.

At least five thousand unlikely scenarios race through my mind as I think of the day I say goodbye to you and hand you the letter.

The one I luckily wrote on my phone first rather than paper, otherwise my tears would have made it unreadable.

I think of the best possible scenarios and those still don't seem to be good enough to will you to stay, or me decide to abandon any previous reservations from our differences in values.

It's crazy though, because I have seen it. I've seen the alternative universe. The one where our values collide. The one where you're passionate, but not about the same things.

There was this hope in your voice. This hope that something greater could and would answer your prayers.

I saw the fire around your heart as you prayed. It was new and fragile but as you prayed it grew. It grew and took over your whole body in some amazing fashion that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I saw you sitting in front of us all, asking God to be there with us. Asking God things I'm sure you've never asked him before.

Then I could see how your heart, paired with Christ's, was going to change the world like nothing anybody could have ever imagined.

Somewhere I read that it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worthy of it. As long as they deserve it.

You do.

I've got to be honest, I don't think we could find anyone who doesn't love you.

That's what makes it so hard. You make it really really...REALLY difficult to not love you.

I feel like you would have to try with such vigor to get me to not love you.

I know that it's different this time. I don't see you on this pedestal. I haven't lifted you up to something that you're not. I haven't fallen in love with the idea of you.

I can see flaws and some little things that I'm sure down the road would annoy me to no end. But I overlook them, because in all reality they don't matter. Because it's you.

Things that used to be a big deal for me have seemed to be just tiny differences in our thinking.

Somewhere along the way, in between me liking you and me trying not to like you and then me throwing caution to the wind and becoming fully head over chucks for you, I saw you. I saw your heart. I saw your dreams and passions and family.

I saw all these things that sometimes it hurts to know that I'll be forced to live without them. I'll be forced to say goodbye.

And like I said, the person I'm really mad at is myself. I'm the one to blame.

You took no part in it. You were just there, being yourself. And I was here becoming myself around you.

You sir, were a force of nature, and you came into my life and everything was drastically changed.

So yes I'm upset at myself. But I know that down the road I will never regret it. Any of it.

Getting to know you while secretly harboring feelings for you. Allowing you to be the catalyst that threw me into being myself. Trusting you with tough things, and you in turn completely blowing my mind by how trustworthy you really were.

I don't now, and will never regret these last six months. It was a whirlwind. It was something that swept me off my feet and made me believe that guys like you actually exist.

So I'm mad. But I am so much more thankful that I ended up here, and ended up meeting one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

Even if it had to end in goodbye, the hello and the in between were the most wonderful things I could have ever asked for.

My Orphan Heart Has Found Its Home

Attending the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry has probably been the hardest step that I have ever had to take, but by far the best. Our current reading assignment is "Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship" by Jack Frost.

I hadn't started reading the book until this evening, and I'm somewhat glad that I didn't.

Last week, I got into an accident in the snow. My first time taking on icy roads obviously didn't turn out well. But my friend/fellow student and I were perfectly fine and no other cars were involved.

With that said, it's been a tough week.

I have had car troubles in the past, many times, and every single time it's felt like one of my limbs has been ripped off and I'm left grasping for what the heck I'm going to do.

This week has been difficult in the fact that I've started training in a new job, and I have school every day. It doesn't help that I can't necessarily walk because it's always freezing outside and there's snow everywhere.

Everyday since my car accident last Monday, I have needed to get a ride from someone. Whether it be my roommate, classmate, coworker, etc. But I have had one of the hardest times asking for help.

I grew up feeling somewhat alone a lot so I became kind of dependent on myself. You could probably ask anybody, but I'm just an independent person. I'm the one that likes to volunteer to drive and I never enjoy feeling stuck because I'm waiting on somebody else.

Just this morning I opened up to my boss about the whole situation and how I was chomping at the bit for my car to get fixed and I could drive myself again. I told her that I felt that God was working in my life even when it felt like nothing good could be happening right now. I have never really felt okay asking for help. I've always told myself that I didn't want to be a burden, and because of that I never asked, I try to stay out of the way and I don't draw attention to myself.

So because I have to keep depending on people and asking for rides and even asking for food from my roommates, I feel that insecurity rising up in me. I feel like at any second one of them is going to express annoyance at my not being able to take care of myself. As that insecurity came rising up, I felt God whispering to me "you are a blessing, not a burden."

I made this revelation this morning, and then I cracked open this book.

Jack Frost talks about how all of us are born with "orphan hearts" that reject parental authority and seek to do everything their own way. Sometimes we are raised and our parents unintentionally (sometimes not) hurt or reject us, and because of that we view God's love that way and don't want to see ourselves as His son or daughter.

If I didn't already associate with this, I did when I found this passage (bare with me):

When wanting to cast out an orphan heart, remember that you can displace it only by introducing it to a loving Father. Even then, an orphan heart must choose to embrace the spirit of sonship by willingly becoming interdependent in relationships and embracing God's community of love. This is not a once-and-for-all choice. You choose sonship over and over because orphan thinking doesn't surrender easily, and it often comes back and tries to assert its influence once again. The orphan spirit tries constantly to weaken our families, relationships, and the nations by deceiving us into becoming subject to our own mission rather than living life to experience God's love and to give it away.

We are called to live in interdependent relationships and embrace God's community of love.

I have lived my life independently because it seemed easier. It seemed that if I took care of myself and did my own thing I wouldn't get hurt. I never allowed myself to belong because it was too big of a risk.

"I am a blessing, not a burden."

Here I am, living in a house with another girl and three boys and I feel at home, for probably the first time in my life.

I have a family that doesn't see me as a burden, not that I felt my real family thought that, but this is the place where I finally believe that I'm not.

I am not a burden. I am not an orphan.

God's love has become so real to me in the past month, but even more so in the past ten minutes of reading this book.

I am a daughter of the king. I accept my spiritual "sonship" and I choose God's will instead of my own independent ways.

I was born with an orphan heart.

But now my orphan heart has found its home.

Dear Twelve Year Old Self,

I want to start off by saying that you are beautiful. You are not ugly.

You are beautiful. Would you like to know why?

Because you don't care what others think yet, and though you may look different it doesn't bother you.

You are quick to run to the swings and plan all the adventures.

You would help plant the random change in the dirt so that you and your friend could dig it up later like it was treasure.

You would sing at the top of your lungs and not even care who was around to hear you.

I admire you.

You are beautiful.

Remember the fun you have when you make a whole binder of plans for when you are eighteen and plan to move out with your two best friends. Remember those best friends, because they are wonderful and sometimes friends grow apart. But still love them. And of course smile when you find the binder with the contracts you all signed saying you would do it.

In two years when you are about to enter high school, and you think that you need a boy to define you, stop. Stop and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You are a beautiful creation that doesn't have to settle for some random guy to make herself feel loved, you are loved.

In high school, pay attention just a little bit more and apply yourself, actually focus on learning and not getting by.

When you finally get that 2' by 3' little card that allows you to drive a car alone, cherish it. It will become one of the ways that you can go and get away and feel free. And don't drive like the jerk driver you learned from and maybe your truck will live a little longer.

When people say that you should apply for scholarships, and you're just thinking to yourself, "oh I'll just get loans." Please don't do that to me, apply for all the damn scholarships you can. Exploit every little interest you have.

And when you finally get to college, stop and breathe it in. Not everyone gets this opportunity and you sure as hell aren't going to take it for granted. Learn. Make good friends. Don't pay attention to boys that will eventually hurt you and then pretend you don't exist.

When you walk across that stage and grab the little book that doesn't actually hold your degree; one, don't trip and two, look over and let them take your picture, don't be scared of the audience.

Finally, when you're in a place of waiting and you feel scared, isolated and alone, you are not. You are never alone.

When you feel like you're suffocating and drowning in doubt for what your future holds, know that you will be okay. You will always be okay.

Just stop and take a breath and remember that the One who created you is holding you still. Have peace and know that He is in control and that you need to try your hardest to stay faithful. Try your hardest to stay as innocent and adventure driven as you are now. Always live for adventure. Always live your life for Christ, and believe that he has amazing things in store for you.

Don't be scared to take a few leaps. Don't let money fool you, it's not the most important thing.

Let yourself be beautiful the way you are. Seriously. Let yourself laugh at the funny things and then even laugh at the times that are hard. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to have everything figured out by the time you're twenty-three. Trust me, you won't anyways.

I hope that you will be happy, truly. Don't allow others words, or actions dictate your happiness. If you get to the point where you feel as though you are being taken advantage of or hurt or controlled, stop it. Don't let people hurt you in your life because they are hurting in theirs. Stay strong and stand up for yourself. Always stand up for yourself.

And again, remember to keep your childlike heart, believe the best in people, hope for greatness and live for adventure.

Love,

Your twenty-three year old self

Identity Crisis

This weekend I had the privilege to go on vacation to Palm Springs with a few of my friends. We watched movies, ate, slept, and read magazines, on repeat.

At some point we ended up talking about couples we knew that got married and how most people end up changing because their significant other.

One of my very wise friends stated that people need to find themselves and figure out who they are before they bring someone else who has completely different interests, opinions, and values into the mix.

When I think about my desire to get married and have a family, I think about my desire to be myself.

It's funny because my whole life, as I've stated before in previous blogs, I have been the people pleaser, the one who wanted to be accepted, by guys yes, but people in general.

I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people will find attractive, funny, interesting, or just socially acceptable.

I have hated country, and then loved country again, and gotten into hardcore music, and then only listened to acoustic music.

I tried to make myself seem tough, and independent.

I tried to make myself seem more experienced and worldly.

I went from hating cussing to cussing like a sailor to hating it, to thinking it was okay, to now where I still think it's hilarious as long as people aren't getting offended.

I've spent so much time trying to be what the world wants and putting myself in roles that nobody really asked me to be in. And I am so damn tired.

I realize now that when I say I'm tired, I'm not actually tired physically, but I'm tired of spending so much time trying to fit in and be someone completely contradictory to who God created me to be.

I wasn't made to be the one who draws attention, I'm the one you get to know and figure out that I truly care about people.

I'm the one who would rather talk about you and help you than spend the time to actually help myself, which I'm seeing now, is sort of a problem sometimes.

I was made to love people, in my way.

My identity is in Christ, and it always has been.

I can live in grace by knowing that I am enough the way I am, I don't have to do anything to be loved, and I want to be a person that shows other people that they don't have to do anything to be loved.

I am loved, adored, strong, courageous, hopeful, beautiful, and on my way to joyful.

I want to live the life that God created me for, but I can't do that if I keep trying to live it as someone he didn't create me to be.