Realizations of a Typical Adult

Today I arrived back in Hollister. I'm here for about a week before I fly out to Switzerland. I made it in about eight hours, walked in the door, and ate breakfast for dinner.

Everyone kind of went off to bed and I decided that it was a great idea to read one of my journals from high school. Mistake numero uno.

It was cool though, I got to read prayers that I had written down to God about other people, yes, but mainly about my life and what my purpose was. It was cute. I was kind of just sitting there all proud of myself I guess. You know, like a parent is proud of their child's scribbly marker art, or even their kid mumbling through giving thanks before a meal. It was cute in a childish way.

Reading through my very first completed journal actually made me realize how far I have come.

I found out through my twenty-five year old eyes that my sixteen year old self was whiney as hell. Like it legitimately bothered me. I was secretly hoping that the ramblings that filled each page were never actually spoken aloud to others before they were written down. Unlikely.

Not only was I completely boy obsessed, which by the way I would love to go back and punch myself in the stomach for being so naive, but I was also very persistent on saying I wanted things to change without actually doing anything to change them.

Lets take my boy crazed self for example. I wrote page after page about my crushes on these guys and talked all about how they probably didn't like me. Not that I actually gave them the chance to. Seeing as I never told any of them. To be honest, I didn't really talk to many of them either. It was more of a silent appreciation from afar. No wonder I used to sign my journal entries as "A Typical Teenager." *cue eye roll*

But here I am now. I'm sure my prayers have improved at least a little bit. I can also honestly say that I feel as though I'm not boy crazy anymore. I actually talk to guys now. Don't worry readers. I've evolved. I'm not a total creeper anymore.

The part that gets me the most I think, is that the concerns I voiced in my journal are still things that concern me today. It almost doesn't feel like a flashback to before my college years.

I literally wrote that I was scared to go through college only to not find a job and have to move home. Which I ended up having to anyways but that isn't the point. My point is that I have been scared to take leaps and bounds because I don't want to end up back at my parent's house. Or back where I started. It feels like ten thousand steps back.

I was trying to figure out my purpose then and here I am now still trying to figure out the things that actually make me happy and aren't just in my life to please someone else.

It hit me that maybe there are certain things that we will always struggle with. Mine is letting go and trusting that things will be taken care of.

I'm basically like the Israelites in the desert when they all forget what God literally just did to get them out of Egypt.

Not letting my fears get in the way of God's plan for my life will be the greatest thing I could ever do.

So this time I don't want to immediately think of the worst case scenario. I want to think of what I truly want and to go for that full force without thinking it will land me back in my old bedroom in my parent's house.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Sincerely,

A Typical Adult

Living for the Future

Have you ever gotten so caught up in plans, and ideas for your future that it just completely consumes everything you are? Lately, I've been so focused on what will be that I don't take a second to look at what is.

Last night our team got some pretty upsetting news. That we most likely will not be here next summer.

Now I believe that God does miracles and I'm all for seeing The Station being one, but I can't not make plans for my future.

Where will I live? What mediocre job will I take to replace the awesome one I have now? How can I still be a part of something bigger that matters?

So many questions swirling around in my brain. So many thoughts.

Thoughts like how much I hate job hunting, and how there really aren't affordable places to rent in Mammoth and I definitely lucked out with what I have.

These questions seem so overwhelming. But in the midst of the chaos in my brain, I took a second to stop and look around.

I somehow halted the perforating thoughts for long enough to breathe and be thankful for the now.

Gazing around our crowded lodge at all the campers and staff, I had this moment. I was grateful.

I was so happy that all these people are here and that I get to be a part of this.

This place was once my bosses dream, and for the past nine years she has been walking it out. She has fought and trudged through way worse things than just being snowed into the staffhouse.

Not only has she chosen to not give up, but she chooses each day to believe that there is something new God wants to show her.

So as I try to slow my mind and tell it the future will come and have worries of its own, I must also look to my King as He tells me "be still and know that I am God."

Know that He has everything covered.

Know that my wildest dreams don't even come close to the plans that He has for me.

And know that as I walk, stumble, fall, freak out, and hope to God my future isn't as hard as it's seeming to be, that He will always love me just as I am.

Here's to living for the future while being completely consumed by the now, and trusting that God will tell me when one becomes the other.

In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people. Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It's like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I'm not opening up enough and I'm going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it's going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn't enough time.

I've allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It's as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I'm faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can't have my last experience.

I can't live in the moment if I'm thinking of the last one we'll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

Laugh

"How wonderful is it that we laugh because our bodies cannot contain the joy"

---

This quote basically killed me today. You want to know why? Because I cannot even count the number of people that have apologized for the sound, or decibel of their laugh. Sometimes, me and a friend of mine drive around in my car and one of us will laugh ridiculously, and then it spirals out of control into this unspoken contest of who can make the stupidest sounding laugh. And you know what? We laughed.

I've apologized for my laugh. Sometimes I'll be at work and I'll laugh at a friends joke, loudly, and I look towards our bosses office scared that he'll come out and scold me for laughing. Even though he's never given me a reason to believe he would actually do such a thing. Why is it that I feel I need to apologize for laughing? Why does anyone feel that way? It's idiotic.

The only time that maybe I was justified for apologizing after a laugh, was on my first date when I laughed and water squirted out of my mouth. And I'm gonna be honest, that was probably my selling point, because I couldn't really shake him.

I love laughing. I love crying because I'm laughing so hard. You really know that something is funny if you are alone and you are rolling around on the floor cracking up. I'm sure my quadmates all thought I was crazy from all the laughs they heard down the hall because I think everything is funny.

I usually always get insecure when someone points out my laugh. And it's not even bad. Someone will be like, "I love your laugh." And then I overanalyze everything they could be talking about. The sound? How my face looks when I laugh? How I basically open my mouth fully and let the sound echo up and out from my diaphragm?

I don't get it. But I know that it's a compliment that I'm no longer going to let make me feel insecure.

Laughter is beautiful. It's probably one of the most amazing expressions of life. If you can make someone who is sad laugh, I think that you've done a great thing.

About two years ago in college, I remember struggling with myself and who I was. I remember I went through a time where I was even more insecure than I am now. I was sitting in one of my classes and all the sudden out of nowhere, like God was speaking right to my heart I heard Him say that he smiles when I laugh.

God smiles when I laugh. I understand now through that one quote that it's basically what it is. Joy escaping our lips because we cannot contain it. And why wouldn't God smile at His joyful children?

This is the most important thing. Knowing how to laugh and letting the joy consume you. Let your laugh echo in the late night hours. Let your stomach muscles clench so hard because you are laughing so hard. Let your laugh be and don't be insecure about it. God smiles when you laugh.