Going Afraid

Over and over again I have had the realization that sometimes in life you are just going to be afraid, but you're going to have to do it anyways. Yesterday I was at a coffeeshop with some friends and we were all working on different projects. This girl walks in and apparently knows one of my friends and he introduced us to her.

Later, when I was about to leave, my friend looks at me and says "you should give her a word" pointing at his friend.

For those of you who don't know what that means. It basically means asking God if He wants to say anything to someone, a word of encouragement or a prophetic word. Listening. And then sharing it with someone.

Without missing a beat, I say "I don't have anything."

"You didn't even ask" he says. Which threw me. Honestly. In my past three years of being involved in a ministry school and a church that does prophetic ministry, no one has ever challenged me in this way. If I had said I didn't have anything people would take my word for what it was and not push it. But he pushed it.

I walked downstairs to go to the bathroom and I was like fine I'll ask.

So I just say (in my head) God do you have anything for her?

And then I saw this picture. Shoot. He did have something for her.

I heard someone come into the restroom and I was like oh if that's her I can tell her really quick and leave and not have to encounter my friend who had challenged me.

It wasn't her. And so I paced around for a good minute before I got up the courage to walk back upstairs. I looked to where she was sitting and there was my friend smiling at me because he knew.

I walked over and super awkwardly gave her the word I thought God was speaking to her. And this girl who I knew nothing about got up and gave me a hug saying "that means so much to me."

I was so relieved. I said goodbye and started walking out and I heard her say to my friend "did you tell her anything?"

It was one of those dumb humbling moments where you're like "Okay God, I get it."

That was more important than my fear. The fact that this girl, who for all I know doesn't believe in God, knew that in that moment God knew her and loved her.

I have been fighting my fear for a long time thinking that I can't do things if I'm afraid, but that is not even close to being the case.

Almost always there will be fear, and there will be the opportunity to do it anyways.

Yesterday, I chose doing it anyways. I chose going forward afraid, but trusting that God had me.

And everyday I will trust in the fact that God always has me, and that even if I am afraid, I can do it anyways.

My Orphan Heart Has Found Its Home

Attending the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry has probably been the hardest step that I have ever had to take, but by far the best. Our current reading assignment is "Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship" by Jack Frost.

I hadn't started reading the book until this evening, and I'm somewhat glad that I didn't.

Last week, I got into an accident in the snow. My first time taking on icy roads obviously didn't turn out well. But my friend/fellow student and I were perfectly fine and no other cars were involved.

With that said, it's been a tough week.

I have had car troubles in the past, many times, and every single time it's felt like one of my limbs has been ripped off and I'm left grasping for what the heck I'm going to do.

This week has been difficult in the fact that I've started training in a new job, and I have school every day. It doesn't help that I can't necessarily walk because it's always freezing outside and there's snow everywhere.

Everyday since my car accident last Monday, I have needed to get a ride from someone. Whether it be my roommate, classmate, coworker, etc. But I have had one of the hardest times asking for help.

I grew up feeling somewhat alone a lot so I became kind of dependent on myself. You could probably ask anybody, but I'm just an independent person. I'm the one that likes to volunteer to drive and I never enjoy feeling stuck because I'm waiting on somebody else.

Just this morning I opened up to my boss about the whole situation and how I was chomping at the bit for my car to get fixed and I could drive myself again. I told her that I felt that God was working in my life even when it felt like nothing good could be happening right now. I have never really felt okay asking for help. I've always told myself that I didn't want to be a burden, and because of that I never asked, I try to stay out of the way and I don't draw attention to myself.

So because I have to keep depending on people and asking for rides and even asking for food from my roommates, I feel that insecurity rising up in me. I feel like at any second one of them is going to express annoyance at my not being able to take care of myself. As that insecurity came rising up, I felt God whispering to me "you are a blessing, not a burden."

I made this revelation this morning, and then I cracked open this book.

Jack Frost talks about how all of us are born with "orphan hearts" that reject parental authority and seek to do everything their own way. Sometimes we are raised and our parents unintentionally (sometimes not) hurt or reject us, and because of that we view God's love that way and don't want to see ourselves as His son or daughter.

If I didn't already associate with this, I did when I found this passage (bare with me):

When wanting to cast out an orphan heart, remember that you can displace it only by introducing it to a loving Father. Even then, an orphan heart must choose to embrace the spirit of sonship by willingly becoming interdependent in relationships and embracing God's community of love. This is not a once-and-for-all choice. You choose sonship over and over because orphan thinking doesn't surrender easily, and it often comes back and tries to assert its influence once again. The orphan spirit tries constantly to weaken our families, relationships, and the nations by deceiving us into becoming subject to our own mission rather than living life to experience God's love and to give it away.

We are called to live in interdependent relationships and embrace God's community of love.

I have lived my life independently because it seemed easier. It seemed that if I took care of myself and did my own thing I wouldn't get hurt. I never allowed myself to belong because it was too big of a risk.

"I am a blessing, not a burden."

Here I am, living in a house with another girl and three boys and I feel at home, for probably the first time in my life.

I have a family that doesn't see me as a burden, not that I felt my real family thought that, but this is the place where I finally believe that I'm not.

I am not a burden. I am not an orphan.

God's love has become so real to me in the past month, but even more so in the past ten minutes of reading this book.

I am a daughter of the king. I accept my spiritual "sonship" and I choose God's will instead of my own independent ways.

I was born with an orphan heart.

But now my orphan heart has found its home.

Regrets

I lay here in bed, wishing that I didn't have to go to sleep, so that I won't have to wake up and go to a job where I feel like I'm wasting away. I like my job, don't get me wrong.

I like what I do, I've learned a lot.

But I sit here and wonder, what if?

What if I had made a different decision?

What if I had chosen to actually go back to Massachusetts?

What if I had chosen not to stick around a good church and be a worship leader?

I wouldn't have deepened a couple of friendships this summer. I would regret not having that.

I would regret not getting worship leading experience.

I would regret not being able to try being on my own. At least for a few months.

But I feel so anxious.

Like I'm headed in the wrong direction. Like I'm falling behind, on top of falling apart.

I'm becoming more vain, because I don't have much to focus on other than work and working out and how I dress.

I don't like it.

I don't like not having a lot of friends close.

Was I just scared though?

I'm wondering.

I chose not to move across the country because family, and because I wanted to be there for my church, and then because I felt like I didn't want to go and be in an uncomfortable internship type program.

But I honestly think I was scared.

Scared that they would challenge me.

Scared that I would grow, and that it would hurt.

Scared of constructive criticism.

Just scared to live.

Now I regret not going.

I regret that I couldn't just take a year and try something that could be exciting.

I could have gone on an adventure, alone, and pioneered a great program.

I could have done a worship arts program basically. Running it, and mentoring people.

I think I feel as though I'm not thriving here because there's no one to fellowship with. Really.

I just miss feeling like I was trying new things, and seeing new places.

I loved it over there, and I let my fear of growth, and my fear of people loving me, put a bad taste in my mouth and I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And now it seems that even home is suffocating me.

I want to pray about this. Honestly, because if I can talk to the pastors there, I would love to have a second chance to make my decision. It's late already, but maybe if I begged. Ha.

Truly, I know that God is everywhere, and that he blesses me anyways. I just know that I've become complacent here, and I need the accountability. I need the challenge. Because it was a challenge, and it was tiring.

But I felt the growth. I felt the strength. I would do that internship over. I would do it over twice.

Lord, give me clarity. Give me hope. I loved them all so much.

Help me to follow your will, but also to follow my heart and not the words of others around me.

I have lived so much of my life based on other people's actions, or words of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm tired.

I'm done. Really. I'm done feeling as though I can't handle things.

I'm done feeling as though I need someone to go with me.

This may seem like a late night ramble, and maybe it is. But I want to love hard. And I want to live harder.

I want to charge into this life. I want to be fearless when it comes to the world and have full faith that my lord will provide.

So I will pray,

Lord, help me to have the peace that comes from your spirit. I know that this world gets crazy, and that things will never be perfect. But I also pray that you will help me to not be afraid to take leaps. Huge leaps of faith. If this is something that could be remotely possible, lord give me peace. I don't want this to be one of those things that it a great idea in the moment and then I regret it completely later. I feel as though I've missed my window, but Lord, help me to decide. I think that my life is so full of indecisiveness that maybe just making a decision would be easiest. Help Lord, I need you. I need you like the air I breathe.

Amen.

Climbing the mountain out of the valley.

Today i had a conversation with one of my best friends about our schooling and how we have changed so much since our first year here. 

I used to be this shy girl who was really quiet and never spoke up for herself. 

Now i'm this loud woman who laughs hysterically, and makes sure that my voice is heard. Most of the time. 

I came here hoping to be turned into a worship leader, and every door was shut on that dream for three years, and now doors have been opened for me to pursue it and it seems as though i don't really even want it anymore. 

I came here intending to find something, someone maybe, to take me away from home and now i'm determined to return to my hometown and be there to see my nephew grow up. 

I came here knowing no one, and now i have to say goodbye some best friends as they leave to go across the country, to embark on marriage, or even to just go and start their ministry. 

This past year i have had these friends pour into me and encourage me, and embrace me, and protect me. And now they are leaving. 

They are leaving in this time where i'm not even sure what i want anymore. These two best friends have been the ones to help me out of my ruts, and my dark places. 

And i'm in a rut now. I have no clue what i'm doing with my life. I don't feel passionate about anything at this point and I don't want to do anything more. 

I think that i'm ready though. It always gets to this point, where it's hard to even continue. To move along. 

But i think these three and a half years with friends and God to pull me through and change me and grow me, i think i can make it. I think that with just God i can climb out of this rut, out of this valley that has lasted so long. 

I think that i can do it on my own now. I think that these friends have been so good to me and blessed me so much that now it's my turn. It's my turn to be that blessing to other people. It's my turn to lend my hand in helping people through. It's my turn to finally reach out, go out, and be with people. 

So, as i say goodbye to my dear friends, i'm climbing this mountain out of the valley, and i think i can begin to see the other side.