Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets. One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn't win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It's been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don't actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It's the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I'll be taken care of if things don't turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it's something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I'd actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don't take enough risks. I'm scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I'm scared if it doesn't work out that I'll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I'm scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp's lease is up in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. Where I'm going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn't here. It's been a lot to process.

It's been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I've let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven't been trusting God that he's going to take care of me.

I've been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn't planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I'm still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I'm supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, "What would I do if I had a million dollars?"

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It's funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I've always had my million dollars.

My Orphan Heart Has Found Its Home

Attending the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry has probably been the hardest step that I have ever had to take, but by far the best. Our current reading assignment is "Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship" by Jack Frost.

I hadn't started reading the book until this evening, and I'm somewhat glad that I didn't.

Last week, I got into an accident in the snow. My first time taking on icy roads obviously didn't turn out well. But my friend/fellow student and I were perfectly fine and no other cars were involved.

With that said, it's been a tough week.

I have had car troubles in the past, many times, and every single time it's felt like one of my limbs has been ripped off and I'm left grasping for what the heck I'm going to do.

This week has been difficult in the fact that I've started training in a new job, and I have school every day. It doesn't help that I can't necessarily walk because it's always freezing outside and there's snow everywhere.

Everyday since my car accident last Monday, I have needed to get a ride from someone. Whether it be my roommate, classmate, coworker, etc. But I have had one of the hardest times asking for help.

I grew up feeling somewhat alone a lot so I became kind of dependent on myself. You could probably ask anybody, but I'm just an independent person. I'm the one that likes to volunteer to drive and I never enjoy feeling stuck because I'm waiting on somebody else.

Just this morning I opened up to my boss about the whole situation and how I was chomping at the bit for my car to get fixed and I could drive myself again. I told her that I felt that God was working in my life even when it felt like nothing good could be happening right now. I have never really felt okay asking for help. I've always told myself that I didn't want to be a burden, and because of that I never asked, I try to stay out of the way and I don't draw attention to myself.

So because I have to keep depending on people and asking for rides and even asking for food from my roommates, I feel that insecurity rising up in me. I feel like at any second one of them is going to express annoyance at my not being able to take care of myself. As that insecurity came rising up, I felt God whispering to me "you are a blessing, not a burden."

I made this revelation this morning, and then I cracked open this book.

Jack Frost talks about how all of us are born with "orphan hearts" that reject parental authority and seek to do everything their own way. Sometimes we are raised and our parents unintentionally (sometimes not) hurt or reject us, and because of that we view God's love that way and don't want to see ourselves as His son or daughter.

If I didn't already associate with this, I did when I found this passage (bare with me):

When wanting to cast out an orphan heart, remember that you can displace it only by introducing it to a loving Father. Even then, an orphan heart must choose to embrace the spirit of sonship by willingly becoming interdependent in relationships and embracing God's community of love. This is not a once-and-for-all choice. You choose sonship over and over because orphan thinking doesn't surrender easily, and it often comes back and tries to assert its influence once again. The orphan spirit tries constantly to weaken our families, relationships, and the nations by deceiving us into becoming subject to our own mission rather than living life to experience God's love and to give it away.

We are called to live in interdependent relationships and embrace God's community of love.

I have lived my life independently because it seemed easier. It seemed that if I took care of myself and did my own thing I wouldn't get hurt. I never allowed myself to belong because it was too big of a risk.

"I am a blessing, not a burden."

Here I am, living in a house with another girl and three boys and I feel at home, for probably the first time in my life.

I have a family that doesn't see me as a burden, not that I felt my real family thought that, but this is the place where I finally believe that I'm not.

I am not a burden. I am not an orphan.

God's love has become so real to me in the past month, but even more so in the past ten minutes of reading this book.

I am a daughter of the king. I accept my spiritual "sonship" and I choose God's will instead of my own independent ways.

I was born with an orphan heart.

But now my orphan heart has found its home.

Take Chances

Last night I made the courageous (for me) decision to make myself a music page on Facebook. So I did it, I had just finished making an acoustic album (of questionable quality) and put it up on Soundcloud.

I've spent so many years afraid to share my music because I thought it wasn't perfect.

If you've read any of my past posts, you know that it got so bad, to the point where I hadn't written anything or practiced at all because I didn't want people to hear me.

After I edited my last couple of songs, I set up the album and put it on the internet.

I placed the link on my Facebook page and allowed for all of my friends and family to hear it.

Most of my family doesn't even know I'm a songwriter/Musician.

I was so scared to be critiqued that I wouldn't even put myself out there.

But I was wrong.

Instead of hearing words of judgment, I heard words of encouragement.

I saw people posting loving words about my voice, and my talent and telling me congratulations for the album.

I became excited about music again.

I took the chance and put myself out there.

I decided to be faithful to the gifts God has given me.

And because I decided to be faithful, God opened the door on my dream.

Today, a day after I made my page, I get a message from a musician at the church I attend.

He told me that I have an awesome voice and he would love to do guitar, bass, or drums on any of my songs. He has his own studio and went to school for it.

Something that I've always wanted to do is finally happening.

So now, I'm thankful that I took the chance and put myself out there.

Because people saw my heart, heard my voice, and they accepted it yes, but they liked it.

Because I remained faithful and I am being rewarded.

God loves to bless his children.

Take the chance.

Silence

I was in one of my classes this morning and like normal my mind was elsewhere. 

My teacher mentioned one thing and then off my mind goes on some other trail that ended with me thinking about the silence in the pauses a preacher makes. 

I thought about how those silences are sometimes awkward and I pictured the congregation awaiting patiently the words that would soon leave the preachers mouth. 

I thought of the type of preacher I would be. I think I would find comfort in the silence. It would be a type of pause for me to gather myself. I would want the congregation to be comfortable in the silence with me. 

I don't think a lot of people know this about me, but I like silence. 

Even if the silence is awkward, a lot of the time you will find me smiling through it. 

Silence is where I find solace.

I am an internal processor. Usually I only process things verbally after I have given it an extreme amount of thought. 

I like silence because it's soothing for me. 

I love music, and talking and watching movies. 

But there is something about sitting down with a book in silence and reading for hours on end. 

Something about just sitting there in silence. 

I like silence because it makes me feel alone. It helps me recharge. 

So as I sat there in my class wondering about what kind of preacher I would be, I sat silent, processing my thoughts. 

This, for me, is how it is. 

I like silence. 

I like solace.

I like myself this way. I'm comfortable with the silence, even if other people aren't.

Love of My Life

How can they not notice?

She's sitting alone, you can see it in her eyes, she's dying inside.

Past loves left her dry and future loves leave her hanging on tomorrow hoping he'll come along or wishing that the fire she sits in front of would sweep her into the flames if he doesn't truly exist.

Does he exist though?

This man who will make her truly happy?

A man who will care for her and hold her when she needs the comfort she needs now.

A man who will lead, and pray, and love, without ceasing.

Does he exist?

She sits there wondering if she'll ever not be alone, as she sits on a crowded beach, with "friends" all around her.

Hold me, she whispers into the air hoping that no matter where he is he can hear her and feel her pain.

As she feels the fire-warmed wind brush past her face and push her hair from her face.

She knows he is there.

The one who truly cares, truly loves, and will always give her joy.

Her Lord who encompasses her with his presence as she longs for a love that has never and will never be extinguished.

She sits content with her feet buried in the sand and stares at the fire watching the flames rise up, as the fire in her heart begins to stir.

The love of God fills her, and she is finally satisfied. 

She has found the love of her life.