There's Something About People Believing in You.

"What was your favorite thing about school this year?" My teachers, slash, pastors, slash, friends asked me this on Thursday as we completed our last day of second year.

For a second I was just lost for words. Normally I can pin point exactly what I want to say, or at least take a minute to figure it out.

I think this time my problem was that I couldn't pick just one thing.

One, I didn't really want to think of anything because I didn't want to admit that it was over. Two, I loved almost everything about school.

Sure, there were some hard times, and things happened that at the time felt like everything was falling apart. Looking back now I can see God's hand in every single thing that happened this year.

I am stronger. I am wiser. I am definitely more confident. I was challenged in so many ways, and God gave me the strength to power through.

I am more passionate. I am filled with hope for my future.

I am finally letting creativity have my time.

I am dreaming bigger. I am dreaming out of the box. And I am doing.

A couple of weeks ago, we had a Lighthouse core team meeting. There Jamie shared his heart about "The Living Room," a new feel for the ministry building. He mentioned wanting to make these big burlap canvasses with all the Lighthouse countries on them and the city that it's in.

Immediately I started dreaming. You see Jamie had shown our class how to make stencils for spray painting and from the very moment I pulled my first stencil off of my canvas and saw a beautiful picture, I wanted to keep doing it.

After the meeting ended I went straight up to him and asked if I could do it.

Weeks later, three hours of cutting stencils, stapling and removing staples from the stencils, inhaling spray paint fumes for a couple of hours and I was done.

Nine countries were laid out before me on beautiful burlap canvasses. Nine places that I know if I were to go there at some point I would be welcomed as family. Nine Lighthouses that are standing tall and strong, encouraging people and welcoming people into their homes just as they are. Amazing leaders who choose to believe in the people who enter their doors, just as Jamie and Natalie believed in me.

You see, I was actually astounded at the fact that Jamie immediately told me to go for it. Both him and Natalie encouraging along the way, telling me what looked amazing and how awesome it was. THAT was the reason in the end it felt like one of my biggest accomplishments. Not because I thought I couldn't do it, but because of them, I knew that I could do it the whole way through.

So my second year is over. Second year is over and I don't know what is next for me. But for the first time in forever, I'm not scared.

I'm not scared of the unknown, and I'm also not scared of what's going to happen to me.

I'm hopeful. I'm excited for new beginnings and new things brewing.

I'm excited to dream, and do, and be.

I'm excited to go out and fight for what I want because I am believed in.

My friends believe in me, my pastors believe in me, and most of all God believes in me.

Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening. By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn't reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn't really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn't ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I've ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn't quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I'm being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it's own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I'm still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I'm going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It's totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here's what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I'm not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

Words With Friends

Today I had a conversation with a couple of friends about, well, liking people. We shared stories, and talked about views on how to go about telling people you like them.

I didn't necessarily disagree with anything that was said. I mean I do think it would be nice if a woman didn't have to make the first move, but I don't think that men have to be the only ones to.

I know in the past I've put myself out there first. It was always kind of awkward for me. I would like people and I guess I would want to be with them. But when I would open up and say that I liked them, I didn't necessarily expect a response, or ask them if they liked me back.

I think I just assumed that if they liked me back they would tell me.

My friend mentioned that he thought girls should be the ones to tell the guys they liked them. Because guys are less likely to get weirded out and feel they need to act differently.

Women on the other hand could and probably would change their whole schedule so they didn't bump into you on the way to class and give you the wrong idea. (I may or may not have done this).

I guess it's true. At least for me. Every time I've told someone I liked them, I was actually the one to back off. They could have said they were flattered but only liked me as a friend and I would get awkward and weird and stop going out of my way to talk to them.

Maybe this is why I have stopped telling people. Maybe I got to the point where I ruined too many friendships for myself. It wasn't worth it in the end to say anything.

I think some people are just too scared to say anything, and I completely understand. But at some point, somewhere down the line, there's going to be someone. There's going to be someone that you know you can't live without. And then, fear itself couldn't be enough to hold you back from expressing how you feel.

And you never know. Maybe they were just too scared to tell you they felt the same.

Laugh

"How wonderful is it that we laugh because our bodies cannot contain the joy"

---

This quote basically killed me today. You want to know why? Because I cannot even count the number of people that have apologized for the sound, or decibel of their laugh. Sometimes, me and a friend of mine drive around in my car and one of us will laugh ridiculously, and then it spirals out of control into this unspoken contest of who can make the stupidest sounding laugh. And you know what? We laughed.

I've apologized for my laugh. Sometimes I'll be at work and I'll laugh at a friends joke, loudly, and I look towards our bosses office scared that he'll come out and scold me for laughing. Even though he's never given me a reason to believe he would actually do such a thing. Why is it that I feel I need to apologize for laughing? Why does anyone feel that way? It's idiotic.

The only time that maybe I was justified for apologizing after a laugh, was on my first date when I laughed and water squirted out of my mouth. And I'm gonna be honest, that was probably my selling point, because I couldn't really shake him.

I love laughing. I love crying because I'm laughing so hard. You really know that something is funny if you are alone and you are rolling around on the floor cracking up. I'm sure my quadmates all thought I was crazy from all the laughs they heard down the hall because I think everything is funny.

I usually always get insecure when someone points out my laugh. And it's not even bad. Someone will be like, "I love your laugh." And then I overanalyze everything they could be talking about. The sound? How my face looks when I laugh? How I basically open my mouth fully and let the sound echo up and out from my diaphragm?

I don't get it. But I know that it's a compliment that I'm no longer going to let make me feel insecure.

Laughter is beautiful. It's probably one of the most amazing expressions of life. If you can make someone who is sad laugh, I think that you've done a great thing.

About two years ago in college, I remember struggling with myself and who I was. I remember I went through a time where I was even more insecure than I am now. I was sitting in one of my classes and all the sudden out of nowhere, like God was speaking right to my heart I heard Him say that he smiles when I laugh.

God smiles when I laugh. I understand now through that one quote that it's basically what it is. Joy escaping our lips because we cannot contain it. And why wouldn't God smile at His joyful children?

This is the most important thing. Knowing how to laugh and letting the joy consume you. Let your laugh echo in the late night hours. Let your stomach muscles clench so hard because you are laughing so hard. Let your laugh be and don't be insecure about it. God smiles when you laugh.