Take Chances

Last night I made the courageous (for me) decision to make myself a music page on Facebook. So I did it, I had just finished making an acoustic album (of questionable quality) and put it up on Soundcloud.

I've spent so many years afraid to share my music because I thought it wasn't perfect.

If you've read any of my past posts, you know that it got so bad, to the point where I hadn't written anything or practiced at all because I didn't want people to hear me.

After I edited my last couple of songs, I set up the album and put it on the internet.

I placed the link on my Facebook page and allowed for all of my friends and family to hear it.

Most of my family doesn't even know I'm a songwriter/Musician.

I was so scared to be critiqued that I wouldn't even put myself out there.

But I was wrong.

Instead of hearing words of judgment, I heard words of encouragement.

I saw people posting loving words about my voice, and my talent and telling me congratulations for the album.

I became excited about music again.

I took the chance and put myself out there.

I decided to be faithful to the gifts God has given me.

And because I decided to be faithful, God opened the door on my dream.

Today, a day after I made my page, I get a message from a musician at the church I attend.

He told me that I have an awesome voice and he would love to do guitar, bass, or drums on any of my songs. He has his own studio and went to school for it.

Something that I've always wanted to do is finally happening.

So now, I'm thankful that I took the chance and put myself out there.

Because people saw my heart, heard my voice, and they accepted it yes, but they liked it.

Because I remained faithful and I am being rewarded.

God loves to bless his children.

Take the chance.

Doubting A Promise That Was Never Said

Last night i wrote a song in hopes that it could be used for some random low budget movie. 

It's called "For David." There is a story behind that, and i will get to that right now.

In freshmen year of high school (i think), i wanted to know who my future husband was. I know, hopeless at such a young age.

Well, i prayed to God before i went to bed, i asked him to give me a dream of my future husband.

And, well, he did, at least i thought.

There was this guy, dark hair, bright eyes, looking down at me with admiration. What i've always wanted. To be loved for being me. And from what it seemed in my dream, he did. And his name was David.

I had this dream once. Once. And i've held on to it for almost seven years. I'm twenty-one now, and i've never had a legit boyfriend, and i've also never been kissed. At this point i could care less. No really i COULD care less, because i care a lot.

I wish i cared less is what i'm trying to say.

But about this song. I finally spoke out what i felt. I wrote the song for someone else's story, with my feelings. I pour out my heart for the past seven years. Wanting to know this guy that i met in my dreams. Wanting to see him in person, or finally meet him so we can start our life together.

As i wrote the lyrics to "For David" i realized that i kind of always knew that the dream i had that night was from my subconscious. Right? Am i wrong to think that? I've lived this way for such a long time. Wondering if it's a promise in the form of a dream, or if it was just my mind and David will be stuck in there forever. I doubt it. I doubt that he's real, everyday. Whenever i see someone who slightly resembles him, i get anxious and then can't even bring myself to talk to them.

It's like this dream has completely given me this hope for a man in the future, but has also crippled me to the point where if he did exist i would never talk to him.

This song acknowledges the fact that it's all a dream. But pours out the need for it to be real. The need for this person on the other side to be seen in real life. To be found.

The bridge says this:

"As i run, i will disappear into the sun. Just to get to you, another dimension. I'll fly for years in the sky, just to find you. I've gotta find you." 

The lyrics are a bit weird, but how else do you expect to find someone who only exists in your dreams?

Now, i'm not fantasizing about some guy in my dream. I'm just telling a story. A story of a young girl who had a dream, that may or may not have been a promise from God. Or at least a good enough answer to hold me over until i was old enough to understand the truth. 

Year after year, i have had it drilled into my brain that there is no such thing as "the one." That we choose who we want to be with, and we work hard to make it love, and make the marriage work. After every mouth that opened to tear down my dreams of "the one" little by little, David started to disappear. 

I want to say that i would wait for David. But he's not real. Not that i know of at least. So i give up. 

I give up. And i let him go, after seven years. 

Wow. Who was to know that this is where this blog post would turn up. Me giving up on a dream that i thought was a promise. 

Giving it back to God, as he graciously gave me sweet dreams that night, and hoping that when the time comes, i will choose someone who truly makes me happy. 

I know that there will always be David. But he was just a dream. 

The Scale

Always over revealing of things i don't necessarily want to know. 

And always the determiner of what my mood will be that day. 

It's sad that i allow such a small thing dictate how i'm going to live my life. 

Weight has always been a problem for me, and i know that now a days it's socially okay, or at least more okay than it was five years ago. 

But i grew up wishing that i was skinny. I grew up wanting to be one of those pretty musicians who was skinny and had a rockstar fashion sense. 

But every failed diet, every failed exercise routine, and here i am, the heaviest i've ever been in my entire life. And yet... i have the least amount of motivation. 

My mindset is so skewed. To think that the minute i get skinny i will finally find love. 

I think that i will only be pretty when i'm skinny. 

I. Grew. Up. That. Way. 

And now all of a sudden it's okay, well it's not to me. 

Yes i know i'm beautiful the way i am. But there comes a point where i'm not even comfortable in my own skin! I am not comfortable in my own skin. 

God made us to be healthy humans, he doesn't want us to be sick, or to have a risk of diabetes and heart disease because it runs in our family. 

I want to be healthy. More than anything. 

I can picture myself eating healthy, and running everyday. 

But i hate doing it by myself, or i'm not motivated, or sleep seems more important at six in the morning. 

There are always excuses. And then those excuses lead to me sitting on the couch watching another season of One Tree Hill, which in itself is terrible because i'm just comparing myself to these women all day. So pretty and thin and have a wonderful fashion sense. 

I think i've gotten to the point where comparison to others is just natural, and it's terrible, you can't tell the kind of person someone is by the skin they wear. The skinniest girl in school could be a horrific person on the inside. 

I know that the inside is more important than the outside, but for once, i just want my outsides to match my insides. 

I'm going to be honest, i want someone to like me for me, i really wish that the outsides didn't matter as much as they do. And people can say they don't but truly we all know they do. 

I know that God made me for who i am. I have the genes i do for a reason. Maybe the thing is i truly need to work for it. I need to work to be healthy rather than skinny. I need to be spiritually healthy. I need to be better.

So, after another session of my doubting myself and who i am. I at least know that i was Made for More than i give myself credit for. I'm not second guessing God's creation. I know he made me for a reason, and every bit of His creation is beautiful, so in that, i am beautiful too. But maybe sometimes, more than i thought or would like to admit, my insides aren't beautiful either. 

This is me....

Just a girl... wishing that she had no cares in the world.