There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.

Doubting A Promise That Was Never Said

Last night i wrote a song in hopes that it could be used for some random low budget movie. 

It's called "For David." There is a story behind that, and i will get to that right now.

In freshmen year of high school (i think), i wanted to know who my future husband was. I know, hopeless at such a young age.

Well, i prayed to God before i went to bed, i asked him to give me a dream of my future husband.

And, well, he did, at least i thought.

There was this guy, dark hair, bright eyes, looking down at me with admiration. What i've always wanted. To be loved for being me. And from what it seemed in my dream, he did. And his name was David.

I had this dream once. Once. And i've held on to it for almost seven years. I'm twenty-one now, and i've never had a legit boyfriend, and i've also never been kissed. At this point i could care less. No really i COULD care less, because i care a lot.

I wish i cared less is what i'm trying to say.

But about this song. I finally spoke out what i felt. I wrote the song for someone else's story, with my feelings. I pour out my heart for the past seven years. Wanting to know this guy that i met in my dreams. Wanting to see him in person, or finally meet him so we can start our life together.

As i wrote the lyrics to "For David" i realized that i kind of always knew that the dream i had that night was from my subconscious. Right? Am i wrong to think that? I've lived this way for such a long time. Wondering if it's a promise in the form of a dream, or if it was just my mind and David will be stuck in there forever. I doubt it. I doubt that he's real, everyday. Whenever i see someone who slightly resembles him, i get anxious and then can't even bring myself to talk to them.

It's like this dream has completely given me this hope for a man in the future, but has also crippled me to the point where if he did exist i would never talk to him.

This song acknowledges the fact that it's all a dream. But pours out the need for it to be real. The need for this person on the other side to be seen in real life. To be found.

The bridge says this:

"As i run, i will disappear into the sun. Just to get to you, another dimension. I'll fly for years in the sky, just to find you. I've gotta find you." 

The lyrics are a bit weird, but how else do you expect to find someone who only exists in your dreams?

Now, i'm not fantasizing about some guy in my dream. I'm just telling a story. A story of a young girl who had a dream, that may or may not have been a promise from God. Or at least a good enough answer to hold me over until i was old enough to understand the truth. 

Year after year, i have had it drilled into my brain that there is no such thing as "the one." That we choose who we want to be with, and we work hard to make it love, and make the marriage work. After every mouth that opened to tear down my dreams of "the one" little by little, David started to disappear. 

I want to say that i would wait for David. But he's not real. Not that i know of at least. So i give up. 

I give up. And i let him go, after seven years. 

Wow. Who was to know that this is where this blog post would turn up. Me giving up on a dream that i thought was a promise. 

Giving it back to God, as he graciously gave me sweet dreams that night, and hoping that when the time comes, i will choose someone who truly makes me happy. 

I know that there will always be David. But he was just a dream.