Take Chances

Last night I made the courageous (for me) decision to make myself a music page on Facebook. So I did it, I had just finished making an acoustic album (of questionable quality) and put it up on Soundcloud.

I've spent so many years afraid to share my music because I thought it wasn't perfect.

If you've read any of my past posts, you know that it got so bad, to the point where I hadn't written anything or practiced at all because I didn't want people to hear me.

After I edited my last couple of songs, I set up the album and put it on the internet.

I placed the link on my Facebook page and allowed for all of my friends and family to hear it.

Most of my family doesn't even know I'm a songwriter/Musician.

I was so scared to be critiqued that I wouldn't even put myself out there.

But I was wrong.

Instead of hearing words of judgment, I heard words of encouragement.

I saw people posting loving words about my voice, and my talent and telling me congratulations for the album.

I became excited about music again.

I took the chance and put myself out there.

I decided to be faithful to the gifts God has given me.

And because I decided to be faithful, God opened the door on my dream.

Today, a day after I made my page, I get a message from a musician at the church I attend.

He told me that I have an awesome voice and he would love to do guitar, bass, or drums on any of my songs. He has his own studio and went to school for it.

Something that I've always wanted to do is finally happening.

So now, I'm thankful that I took the chance and put myself out there.

Because people saw my heart, heard my voice, and they accepted it yes, but they liked it.

Because I remained faithful and I am being rewarded.

God loves to bless his children.

Take the chance.

Sometimes the hardest part of life is admitting you're scared as hell..

Growing up I used to think that there would be a point in my life where I would arrive. I would have a good job doing what I love.

I would have my own place (not realistic anymore).

I would have my group of friends that hung out all the time and encouraged each other.

I would have a good position in a church, doing what I was made to do.

I would have my music, and eventually have my own album recorded.

The minute I graduated from college, I knew that none of this would probably happen as I wanted it.

It took me two full months to get a job, at a donut shop.

I moved into a house with five other girls a month later.

I didn't really have any close friends once school picked back up again because they were all busy.

I took over as worship leader at a church, where I sometimes felt unappreciated, overworked and burnt out.

I did record a small cd, with somewhat terrible quality.

Then when it came time to start paying off my student loans, I knew my current situation wasn't going to cut it.

So I moved home.

Into my old room.

Into old habits.

Into old friendships.

Into my old self who let other people walk all over her.

If you've read my blog at any point before this, you probably read that I had an opportunity to work at a camp I grew up at. I was so excited and so nervous to go up there and be in a different place. But it was going to be worth it because I would be doing the things that I love.

I had tried emailing the director two times to ask when I should make the trip up there.

Today he finally emailed me back. He told me that they just got done laying off two people and he's still waiting to see how things will work out. Also, that he'll give me an update in the next two weeks. In the mean time, I've already given notice at my job. I already have all of July planned out with last minute trips, spending most of my money on traveling before I move up there. And now it's not a for sure thing anymore?

I read the email at work sinking further down into my chair as I filled with anxiety thinking about what the hell else I'm supposed to do if I don't get this job. The job that was a trial position in the first place. A job that I was going out on a limb to even take, because I decided I was going to have faith that everything was going to work out and I would get hired on permanently after the trial period was over.

There hasn't been a day in the past six months of being home that I haven't regretted it. Moving home.

I've loved pouring into good friendships since being home, and I don't regret that.

But honestly. I'm just scared as hell.

I'm scared that I moved home and now I'll be stuck.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to travel like I want to.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to move some place random and start my life the way I truly want to.

I'm just scared. Of everything. Of failure in life.

And I don't know what to do.

I want to be back in college with my friends. In close proximity where we could all talk to each other and encourage each other. I miss it so much. I miss my dear friends.

I wish that life wasn't so hard.

I wish being an adult wasn't so scary.

I have become the most anxiety ridden I have ever been since moving home.

I'm praying so hard that God will direct my path. I trust that he has great things for me, things that my ideas can't even measure up to. All I want is to be free. Free of expectations. Free of anxiety and hurt. Free of debt. Free of hatred towards myself for not being able to handle anything. I want to be free of all of these things, but mostly my fear.

I want to walk through life confident that I can do this. I have God right beside me and there is no way he is going to let me fall.

It Was a Simpler Time

It's crazy how being an adult can put so much stress on a person. I can remember being in high school and I had homework to do and I had commitments, but I hung out on Myspace daily and always had my friends over.

These days, I go to work and then come home and watch tv and hangout on Tumblr all night. Sometimes I write, or play music, or read.

But mostly I'm on the computer.

And yet, I'm more stressed out than I was even two years ago.

How is it that with age comes more stress?

Today I took a trip down memory lane and went through all of my old pictures.

Boy was that a terrible idea.

For one thing I was skinnier back then.

I just kept passing over pictures of friends and I hanging out at parks, or camps, and at school.

Things were structured but they weren't.

We had summer. We had winter break.

We had all these things that we had to look forward to.

I'm sitting here looking forward to an email. An EMAIL.

I look forward to the weekend, and then on Saturday I already start dreading Monday.

I feel like I've had nothing to look forward to lately.

The only thing I look forward to is hanging out with people.

Which, I'm starting to think is more important. Really it's all there is.

I get so nostalgic looking at old pictures because they were taken with friends. With people that I love.

You grow up hanging out with everyone so often because it's convenient. They go to school with you, or live down the block.

Then you go to college and you have your roommates and quadmates and they're always there.

You are so surrounded with all of these people that you love and that love you and support you.

Then you become an adult. And it all somewhat falls apart.

Your friends disperse. To different cities. Different states.

Life becomes about working, and making a living and paying bills.

Soon you don't have time to try and make an effort to see people.

That was the biggest slap in the face.

Having all these people surround you, and you promise each other that you will always be friends and that you'll talk all the time. And then you don't.

Out of sight becomes out of mind.

I am so guilty of this.

Then when you don't talk to anyone, you feel alone, then you feel like you can't talk to them.

So you don't tell them anything, because you can't lie and say that you're fine anymore.

It's so hard to grow up. It's hard to have things change.

It's getting so difficult to look back on memories and not be jealous of my younger self.

It's now almost impossible for me to see myself then and not be furious at myself for taking those times for granted.

It was a simpler time.