Take Chances

Last night I made the courageous (for me) decision to make myself a music page on Facebook. So I did it, I had just finished making an acoustic album (of questionable quality) and put it up on Soundcloud.

I've spent so many years afraid to share my music because I thought it wasn't perfect.

If you've read any of my past posts, you know that it got so bad, to the point where I hadn't written anything or practiced at all because I didn't want people to hear me.

After I edited my last couple of songs, I set up the album and put it on the internet.

I placed the link on my Facebook page and allowed for all of my friends and family to hear it.

Most of my family doesn't even know I'm a songwriter/Musician.

I was so scared to be critiqued that I wouldn't even put myself out there.

But I was wrong.

Instead of hearing words of judgment, I heard words of encouragement.

I saw people posting loving words about my voice, and my talent and telling me congratulations for the album.

I became excited about music again.

I took the chance and put myself out there.

I decided to be faithful to the gifts God has given me.

And because I decided to be faithful, God opened the door on my dream.

Today, a day after I made my page, I get a message from a musician at the church I attend.

He told me that I have an awesome voice and he would love to do guitar, bass, or drums on any of my songs. He has his own studio and went to school for it.

Something that I've always wanted to do is finally happening.

So now, I'm thankful that I took the chance and put myself out there.

Because people saw my heart, heard my voice, and they accepted it yes, but they liked it.

Because I remained faithful and I am being rewarded.

God loves to bless his children.

Take the chance.

Dear Twelve Year Old Self,

I want to start off by saying that you are beautiful. You are not ugly.

You are beautiful. Would you like to know why?

Because you don't care what others think yet, and though you may look different it doesn't bother you.

You are quick to run to the swings and plan all the adventures.

You would help plant the random change in the dirt so that you and your friend could dig it up later like it was treasure.

You would sing at the top of your lungs and not even care who was around to hear you.

I admire you.

You are beautiful.

Remember the fun you have when you make a whole binder of plans for when you are eighteen and plan to move out with your two best friends. Remember those best friends, because they are wonderful and sometimes friends grow apart. But still love them. And of course smile when you find the binder with the contracts you all signed saying you would do it.

In two years when you are about to enter high school, and you think that you need a boy to define you, stop. Stop and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You are a beautiful creation that doesn't have to settle for some random guy to make herself feel loved, you are loved.

In high school, pay attention just a little bit more and apply yourself, actually focus on learning and not getting by.

When you finally get that 2' by 3' little card that allows you to drive a car alone, cherish it. It will become one of the ways that you can go and get away and feel free. And don't drive like the jerk driver you learned from and maybe your truck will live a little longer.

When people say that you should apply for scholarships, and you're just thinking to yourself, "oh I'll just get loans." Please don't do that to me, apply for all the damn scholarships you can. Exploit every little interest you have.

And when you finally get to college, stop and breathe it in. Not everyone gets this opportunity and you sure as hell aren't going to take it for granted. Learn. Make good friends. Don't pay attention to boys that will eventually hurt you and then pretend you don't exist.

When you walk across that stage and grab the little book that doesn't actually hold your degree; one, don't trip and two, look over and let them take your picture, don't be scared of the audience.

Finally, when you're in a place of waiting and you feel scared, isolated and alone, you are not. You are never alone.

When you feel like you're suffocating and drowning in doubt for what your future holds, know that you will be okay. You will always be okay.

Just stop and take a breath and remember that the One who created you is holding you still. Have peace and know that He is in control and that you need to try your hardest to stay faithful. Try your hardest to stay as innocent and adventure driven as you are now. Always live for adventure. Always live your life for Christ, and believe that he has amazing things in store for you.

Don't be scared to take a few leaps. Don't let money fool you, it's not the most important thing.

Let yourself be beautiful the way you are. Seriously. Let yourself laugh at the funny things and then even laugh at the times that are hard. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to have everything figured out by the time you're twenty-three. Trust me, you won't anyways.

I hope that you will be happy, truly. Don't allow others words, or actions dictate your happiness. If you get to the point where you feel as though you are being taken advantage of or hurt or controlled, stop it. Don't let people hurt you in your life because they are hurting in theirs. Stay strong and stand up for yourself. Always stand up for yourself.

And again, remember to keep your childlike heart, believe the best in people, hope for greatness and live for adventure.

Love,

Your twenty-three year old self

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.

Identity Crisis

This weekend I had the privilege to go on vacation to Palm Springs with a few of my friends. We watched movies, ate, slept, and read magazines, on repeat.

At some point we ended up talking about couples we knew that got married and how most people end up changing because their significant other.

One of my very wise friends stated that people need to find themselves and figure out who they are before they bring someone else who has completely different interests, opinions, and values into the mix.

When I think about my desire to get married and have a family, I think about my desire to be myself.

It's funny because my whole life, as I've stated before in previous blogs, I have been the people pleaser, the one who wanted to be accepted, by guys yes, but people in general.

I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people will find attractive, funny, interesting, or just socially acceptable.

I have hated country, and then loved country again, and gotten into hardcore music, and then only listened to acoustic music.

I tried to make myself seem tough, and independent.

I tried to make myself seem more experienced and worldly.

I went from hating cussing to cussing like a sailor to hating it, to thinking it was okay, to now where I still think it's hilarious as long as people aren't getting offended.

I've spent so much time trying to be what the world wants and putting myself in roles that nobody really asked me to be in. And I am so damn tired.

I realize now that when I say I'm tired, I'm not actually tired physically, but I'm tired of spending so much time trying to fit in and be someone completely contradictory to who God created me to be.

I wasn't made to be the one who draws attention, I'm the one you get to know and figure out that I truly care about people.

I'm the one who would rather talk about you and help you than spend the time to actually help myself, which I'm seeing now, is sort of a problem sometimes.

I was made to love people, in my way.

My identity is in Christ, and it always has been.

I can live in grace by knowing that I am enough the way I am, I don't have to do anything to be loved, and I want to be a person that shows other people that they don't have to do anything to be loved.

I am loved, adored, strong, courageous, hopeful, beautiful, and on my way to joyful.

I want to live the life that God created me for, but I can't do that if I keep trying to live it as someone he didn't create me to be.