I Need To Get Out of the Boat.

We all know the story about Peter getting out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus. He saw the wind and he got scared. He began to sink, So he cried out to Jesus "Lord save me!"

Then Jesus grabs him, pulls him up, and says "You of little faith...why did you doubt?"

I think we can all identify with Peter. But I identify more with the former Peter; the Peter before he takes the risk and steps out of the boat.

I sit on the edge of the boat and watch. I watch as other people take their risks and have faith getting out of the boat to be with Jesus.

See I think that I'm with Jesus, and I think that I'm taking risks, when really I'm just finding something new in the boat to catch my attention.

I've always thought that maybe I had my eyes on the waters and I was sinking and just needed to call out for Jesus to save me.

But in all reality, I don't think I've ever even trusted him enough to get out of the boat.

I've been waiting to "feel" close to the Lord, but I don't take the steps to back that desire.

I go through the motions that may make it seem like I am with Jesus out on the water.

But if anybody actually looked hard enough, they would see me back on the boat sticking my toes in the water, testing how cold it will be when I sink.

I need to trust my Lord.

I need to risk everything to be with my Lord.

I need to get out of the boat.

Sometimes the hardest part of life is admitting you're scared as hell..

Growing up I used to think that there would be a point in my life where I would arrive. I would have a good job doing what I love.

I would have my own place (not realistic anymore).

I would have my group of friends that hung out all the time and encouraged each other.

I would have a good position in a church, doing what I was made to do.

I would have my music, and eventually have my own album recorded.

The minute I graduated from college, I knew that none of this would probably happen as I wanted it.

It took me two full months to get a job, at a donut shop.

I moved into a house with five other girls a month later.

I didn't really have any close friends once school picked back up again because they were all busy.

I took over as worship leader at a church, where I sometimes felt unappreciated, overworked and burnt out.

I did record a small cd, with somewhat terrible quality.

Then when it came time to start paying off my student loans, I knew my current situation wasn't going to cut it.

So I moved home.

Into my old room.

Into old habits.

Into old friendships.

Into my old self who let other people walk all over her.

If you've read my blog at any point before this, you probably read that I had an opportunity to work at a camp I grew up at. I was so excited and so nervous to go up there and be in a different place. But it was going to be worth it because I would be doing the things that I love.

I had tried emailing the director two times to ask when I should make the trip up there.

Today he finally emailed me back. He told me that they just got done laying off two people and he's still waiting to see how things will work out. Also, that he'll give me an update in the next two weeks. In the mean time, I've already given notice at my job. I already have all of July planned out with last minute trips, spending most of my money on traveling before I move up there. And now it's not a for sure thing anymore?

I read the email at work sinking further down into my chair as I filled with anxiety thinking about what the hell else I'm supposed to do if I don't get this job. The job that was a trial position in the first place. A job that I was going out on a limb to even take, because I decided I was going to have faith that everything was going to work out and I would get hired on permanently after the trial period was over.

There hasn't been a day in the past six months of being home that I haven't regretted it. Moving home.

I've loved pouring into good friendships since being home, and I don't regret that.

But honestly. I'm just scared as hell.

I'm scared that I moved home and now I'll be stuck.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to travel like I want to.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to move some place random and start my life the way I truly want to.

I'm just scared. Of everything. Of failure in life.

And I don't know what to do.

I want to be back in college with my friends. In close proximity where we could all talk to each other and encourage each other. I miss it so much. I miss my dear friends.

I wish that life wasn't so hard.

I wish being an adult wasn't so scary.

I have become the most anxiety ridden I have ever been since moving home.

I'm praying so hard that God will direct my path. I trust that he has great things for me, things that my ideas can't even measure up to. All I want is to be free. Free of expectations. Free of anxiety and hurt. Free of debt. Free of hatred towards myself for not being able to handle anything. I want to be free of all of these things, but mostly my fear.

I want to walk through life confident that I can do this. I have God right beside me and there is no way he is going to let me fall.

Love is Work

Recently I've had one thing become so real to me, it's like I was slapped in the face with it. I think sometimes we grow up thinking that love is this magical thing that is just perfect and painless and completely free of complication.

But now I think I finally understand that it's not.

It's not easy. There's not some model you can follow either.

Last week I watched this random country movie on Netflix. This women's husband was arrested and had lied to her and she had gotten so fed up she basically turned her back on him. She ends up running into an old guy friend in her hometown and he's there to comfort her, but you can tell that there's more to it. By the end of the movie you think that she's going to divorce her husband and then most likely end up with this other guy. Then out of nowhere the movie completely turns around and she's decided to take the risk and trust her husband again, and to truly fight for their marriage, and their love.

I cannot tell you how bad I was crying at the end of that movie.

I was just so astounded. These days we see people leaving their significant others for other people, divorcing their spouses because it was too hard. But this movie, this movie was the truth to what love should be.

It was like all of my confusion about love and marriage was cleared up in an hour and a half country hallmark type movie.

Loving someone is work.

Loving someone hurts.

Loving someone is challenging.

Sometimes it's even hard to love someone that you love.

Now, I have never been in a relationship. I have never even been in a flirtationship. But I know, now more than ever, that loving another human being is probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's going to be hard to not take things personally.

It's going to be difficult, being brutally honest when they ask for it.

It's going to be a challenge for me to express how I feeling to this other person who holds my heart, and can do whatever they wish with it.

It'll be tough to be one half of a whole.

But I can't wait.

I can't wait to fully devote myself to someone else.

I can't wait to bicker, and have that one person who basically said yes to hearing you vent until the end of time.

I can't wait to finally be with the person I waited all this time for.

The person I cried over so many nights, praying and asking God why he wasn't here yet.

I read this quote today:

"Do not settle, please do not settle because there is someone out there who refuses to settle, and you are worth so much more than convenience and ease, you are worth a heart that fights for you."

- T.B. LaBerge // Do Not Settle

I see all of these things popping out at me telling me love is hard, it's tough, it's work. Love is fighting for the other person.

I won't choose convenience over real love.

Love is work.

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.