Extra

For as long as I can remember I’ve believed that I’m not good enough.

Things were said to me as a child that I held on to. Lies that I took on as my identity.

The past four years have consisted of me trying to figure out the lies I’ve been believing and finding the truth to replace them.

It’s been a process. It’s not easy to get out of certain patterns of believing.

Honestly, that’s the biggest lie that tries to creep itself back into my mind, I am not good enough.

I think it’s the biggest lie we can all believe about ourselves.

It’s a root. And it grows into almost everything.

Like friendships.

And jobs.

Passions.

Because I struggle so much with not feeling good enough, I try and compensate for it.

I people please. To an unhealthy extent.

This means not saying “no.”

It means dancing around issues that I don’t want to address and cause conflict.

Not feeling good enough throws me into not being myself.

It means trying to fit into what I see as good. Not what God sees as good.

Not feeling good enough also makes me not want to try.

I have passions and things that I love to do and feel called to do, but I don’t do them.

I do destructive things that only further my feeling of not good enough.

But the thing is. It’s not anyone else telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me I’m not good enough.

It’s fear telling me if I try I’ll fail.

It’s fear breathing down my neck in a conversation telling me my joke just flopped and everyone things I’m dumb.

It’s fear telling me I’m too afraid.

So I believe it. And I stop.

Being myself.

Doing what I love.

Trying.

Fighting.

I stop myself.

Because of fear.

Because it tells me I’m not good enough.

Recently I was challenged to think about the lies I believe and find a truth to replace it.

The lie: obviously, “i’m not good enough.”

As I was praying about it I felt God’s peace.

The truth: God made us good enough.

God has made us righteous.

“God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:21

There’s nothing we could do or say to make ourselves good enough. Because He has already done it.

Everything else is just extra.

So be yourself.

Feel what you need to feel.

Step out in courage, because even if you fail this time, He’s got you.

Even if there’s rejection, He’s got you.

Follow your dreams and wake up each morning knowing that you were made good enough and anything you could do today is just extra.

This is why I'm single...

When I went home for Thanksgiving last month, I had an amazing time being with family and I even got to meet a few new members of it. The one tiny detail about me being the last single person in my family is not lost on me. It's basically my uncle and me and then everyone else with kids.

As the night went on, I underwent all the "are you dating anyone?" questions, and of course informed everyone that, no, I was not dating anyone, but would send out a group message once I was.

This of course isn't that big of a deal to me.

But then, later after dinner we all sat and watched the little ones play.

Everything went a little chaotic for a second with the kids and my uncle looked at me and made a comment about us choosing the right way. Or simple way. Or basically the way that prevented us both from sitting there with crazy kids to take care of.

Without missing a beat I said "You say it as if I had a choice."

It wasn't until this moment where it was like, oh wow. So that's how I really feel.

I've been living my life "single" and doing what I feel God is leading me to do, but deep down as I watch everyone else around me find love, get married and make babies it just makes me wonder, when is it my turn?

I'm not upset about it. But I do wonder.

So I may or may not have bought the book "Loveology" by John Mark Comer.

If I have all this time as a single person, I'm sure as heck going to prepare myself for what's to come.

So I'm reading through this book, and in the back of my head I just hear the whining "why am I single?" You know. Like one of those thoughts you don't give yourself permission to think.

Page after page, of wonderful insight by the way, and I found it.

"The point of marriage isn't to find our missing half. It's to help each other become all that God intended. Our future, real selves. In marriage, two people partner to that end. They see the best in each other -- the person God created them to be -- and they push and pull each other toward that goal.

Don't get married because you think he or she is "the one." Trust me, they're not. There's no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up. When you want to be a part of that story of transformation. That journey to the future. When you are well aware it will be a long and bumpy ride, but you don't want to miss one mile. Because you believe in God's calling on them, and you want in."

Okay. I'm not going to lie to you. I definitely started crying when I read this.

It was this moment of clarity.

Then suddenly all the crushes, almost boyfriends, and people that I gave a second glance to came rushing through my mind. There was a reason I never allowed myself to let anything become more than it was. It's not that there was a lack of opportunity, but there was a lack of future.

It honestly put my mind at ease when I realized that I had finally found the reason why I didn't have anyone. But it was also the reason why I didn't want anyone.

I have not felt this way about anyone that has ever crossed my path.

You know you have crushes and sometimes you have opportunities to speak up and say something, but you don't. Somewhere deep down inside you know this is just a crush, and it wouldn't actually go anywhere. I like them, but the future I see for them is not a future that I want.

Sometimes I think when we're single we start thinking about all the things that could be wrong with who we are. The reasons why people don't pursue us. We start doubting ourselves and believing lies about who we are only because guys aren't dropping at our feet telling us how amazing we are.

Maybe it's just the same for them? They think you're great, but you are not someone they want their future with. It doesn't have to be made into some self-hating thing. (I am mostly speaking to myself here.)

So someone doesn't want to waste your time! Why are you complaining?

I would most definitely rather not have guys pursue me for the sake of pursuing.

If I have to wait in complete silence from men, for the one person who sees my heart and where my future leads and wants in, then it was worth it.

So until that happens. This is why I'm single...

"I'm Fine"

Sometimes I retreat. 

Sometimes I withdraw. One of my teachers has called me out on this a couple of times. He told me he noticed that when we were doing a group project I shut down and didn't give any further input.

You see, everything around me can be so overwhelming that I have to just shut down my mind sometimes. Otherwise, well, I don't know what will happen. 

I get emotionally drained. For some reason this has been happening more often that it did before. 

I've been finding myself trying so hard to stay awake and participate in class. I've gotten enough sleep. I shouldn't be tired. 

I think that I struggle with anxiety. This has been a long time coming to admit this, but I truly think I do. 

I get self-conscious about everything, and for some reason this makes me tense up, or it makes me feel as though I need to be put together all the time. I worry about what people will think of me. I also worry about certain outcomes from things that haven't even come into play yet.

Sometimes it's all just too much. 

I don't really tell people much about the tough parts of my life though. Maybe because I feel as though they are insignificant compared to other people's issues, or that it makes me seem weak. 

Even now I feel as though I have too much to handle. 

But you'll never know. Because I won't bring it up. 

I won't bring up the fact that I feel like crying a lot of the time attention is drawn to me. Especially if it's negative.

I won't tell anyone that speaking in front of people makes me so nervous sometimes that I could literally go to bed after and sleep for days. 

I won't tell anyone that the future legitimately scares the hell out of me and I don't know what to do when I graduate.

Sometimes I get so drained and all I want is for someone just to hug me. I want them to know that something is wrong, and to just hug me and tell me that it's going to be alright. To hold me and let me feel it all at once, rather than stuff it down for the seventh week in a row.

But people won't know. Because I hide it. Or brush it off as a joke. Or say that I'm just tired.

People don't truly know what they are in for when they ask if I'm okay. 

I avoid it all. I say I'm fine.