I Cry

When I see other people in pain, I cry.Sometimes I cry when something is too beautiful to just say it.

I cry when people reconcile. Something as small as a beautiful voice can make me cry.

Being angry makes me cry. Getting yelled at makes me cry.

Sometimes people will snap at me and I’ll wait until they are gone, then I’ll cry.

Loving people makes me cry. Good music, and wonderful poetry make me cry.

I cry when I’m proud of someone.

Encouraging words make me cry.

I cry when I’m overwhelmed.

Sometimes I even cry when I read sweet things. I’ve probably cried during every book I’ve ever read. I’ve cried because of things, I myself, have written.

Movies are my Kryptonite. Whether it be tears of laughter, joy, or sadness.

So basically I cry a lot.

But I’m not even ashamed of it.

I cry because things are important to me. Relationships matter. People matter. Music matters. I have empathy so strong, I cry for fictional characters when they are wronged.

I’m a sensitive person.

But I’m strong when it counts.

Like when someone yells at my best friend and expects to get away with it. Or when I slip down the stairs and receive a huge purple bruise on my butt.

I’m someone people can laugh with, and cry with, or just be real with.

I wouldn’t change who I am for anything.

I’m just glad that I’ve finally gotten to this point. The point where I know that even when I cry, I am beautiful.

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.