I Am His and He is My King

Bound by chains, heavy as stones Pulling and dragging me back, to where I don't belong.

I pull and I fight, digging my heals to the core

But the chain slips through my fingers, I'm about to lose the war.

I'm tired, and my eyes fill with tears. I look to the sky and a wonderful king appears.

As he stands next to my accuser he begins to speak, and I stand there worthless, sinful, and weak.

They speak for a minute and the accuser gives in, the king smiles at me as the accuser puts MY chains on Him.

When the accuser pulls my king away,

he doesn't fight back but smiles and waves.

He whispered in my ear, just before he went

The softest sweetest voice, it was hard to know what he meant.

He said, "you were made for a purpose, you're beautiful and strong,

I've paid all your debt, my child run along.

Don't give in to the accuser's lies, or stray from the path and lose your life.

I love you my dear, so please choose me,

over pleasure, over sin, over the world, my child follow ME."

As the tears streamed down my face,

I knelt to the ground at such redeeming grace.

This king paid my debt with His life indeed.

This love, this mercy, all for me?

A king gave His life for a peasant and called me His child.

As excitement rushed through my veins I began to go wild!

I jumped to my feet, my king still in sight

I raced to His side, touched His hand, and was filled with light.

"My king I choose you!" I declared from my knees.

"My Father I love you! Remember me please!"

And my king reached out His shackled hand, and placed it on my heart.

"My child more than all the grains of sand, we shall never part."

I laid my head down at His feet,

And when I rose, He was nowhere to be seen.

I hear a soft whisper every now and then,

a reassuring "I love you" and I tear up again.

This love was so unfathomable, nothing can compare.

Yet sometimes I forget that he's even there.

But when I am in trouble, I know that he's around.

Paying all my debts, without even a sound.

He fought for my life, because it has a purpose.

So there is absolutely no reason to think I am worthless.

A king called me His own, His child, beautiful and strong.

I am His princess and in His kingdom I belong.

This world has nothing for me, but tricks and misery.

But my kings kingdom....

THAT... is where I was always meant to be.

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.