Living as though I have a million dollars.

Last year at some point, the camps bookkeeper and I decided that we wanted to buy lottery tickets. One day we were just sitting in the office dreaming up all the things the camp could do if it had the money.

A new lodge building. State of the art kitchen. Real staff housing (which I took a little offense to since I love the Staffhouse). So much more.

We both dreamed of what each of us would do if we had the money. A lot of my things were just normal things, with me being out of debt from my student loans.

So we went out and bought some. We didn't win anything. Obviously.

Then after we stopped talking about it I just let the idea die. And I let some of the dreams die too. Even the ridiculous ones that seemed too far-fetched even if I was rich.

It's been a year and our bookkeeper brought it up that she was going to go buy more tickets. And it put the idea in my head again.

So I went on my own and bought more tickets.

Last night I sat in my room dreaming again. What would I do if I had a million dollars?

And again, I realized that not much was different. The dreams were the same.

I wanted to do music, and be a part of a studio or something along those lines. And a couple of other things. But the main point being I don't actually need a million dollars to do them.

The million dollars is incentive. It's the safety net.

The idea that I can go off and take risks and do whatever I want because at least I'll be taken care of if things don't turn out how I thought.

But why would I wait if it's something I really want to do?

No one is going to drop a million dollars in your lap. For the longest time I thought of the things I would do with a million dollars, but realized I'd actually have to go out and buy a ticket to even get a shot at it.

I  realized that I don't take enough risks. I'm scared of being uncomfortable, and to actually work for something I want. Because I'm scared if it doesn't work out that I'll be running home to my parents house with my tail between my legs.

I'm scared of failure. And this is because of a lack of confidence in myself, and a lack of trust in my God.

Everything about this coming season is up in the air. The camp's lease is up in May and I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing. Where I'm going to live. If I even want to stay in Mammoth if The Station isn't here. It's been a lot to process.

It's been a lot to be overwhelmed about, I should say. And I've let myself get overwhelmed. Because I haven't been trusting God that he's going to take care of me.

I've been walking around only making choices that I know I can control. Which I think is why I ended up in Mammoth in the first place. I wasn't planning on moving here.

I had quit my job to take a position at the camp I grew up at and came to Mammoth to visit a friend. But I think deep down that God knew I would never just up and quit my job to move somewhere I had never been before. I always needed that safety net made by me.

So here I am now. Stuck in this place of wanting to stay but wanting to start the next chapter of my life. Wanting to be around all my close friends, and also wanting new scenery.

Last week I sent out an email out to a woman who works at Bethel. I told her about how much I loved the Bethel Music studio and how I really wanted to work there. And basically just reached out saying I will take anything you have to give me.

I started the email to her never expecting a reply.

Now in a week I will be having a phone interview with her to talk about possible internships. And I have no idea what to do or what to say.

I mean, I'm still kind of committed at the camp. Two of my friends are moving in next week and we have winter camps booked and I'm supposed to be the cook.

But I stopped today and took a second to think about it. I thought about what I really wanted and not what I was just willing to do to avoid causing others any problems.

And I asked myself, "What would I do if I had a million dollars?"

I saw myself going.

Choosing to go and choosing to trust that God will take care of the rest. Because he always has.

It's funny how sometimes it takes forever to truly realize what already have.

And I already have my safety net. Because God will always be there to catch me.

In a way. I've always had my million dollars.

Welcome Back to Freedom

So, it's been a while. For those of you that read my ramblings.

It's November 12, and I've been in school for about a month and a week.

This year has been completely different than last year.

Where first year at MLSSM is based on identity and our foundation, second year is based on leadership and growing us in that area.

So this year so far, has been me being thrown into leadership in different places of my life.

However, as interesting as that all is, it's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the struggle.

The struggle that I've faced with holding onto my identity and my joy.

Brace yourself for the seemingly endless rambling.

These past couple of weeks have felt very off. I had felt very off.

I was easily irritated, I actually at one point was so peeved that I felt like I was going to explode on someone.

Through all of this I did manage to somewhat hang on to my sanity. I didn't tear anyones head off.

I didn't know what it was, but something was wrong. Everyone else could tell because people kept asking me if I was okay.

I kept saying yes, and that I was only tired, but no. I was not okay.

On Thursday we do worship time in The Station office before we work. And my boss Rachel prayed and asked us all if we had any prayer requests. I took this opportunity to open up with people and be vulnerable.

I wasn't okay. I felt like somewhere along the way I had agreed with something and let it back into my life and it was drastically affecting me. I was full of negativity and I didn't know why. So I shared this with the team.

After I shared, Rachel told me that she had seen the shift in me a couple of weeks before. It wasn't until that moment and her saying that, that it clicked. I knew what I had done.

I don't know how far back I shared this with all of you, but in high school and college I struggled a lot with lust. But more specifically I struggled with acting on lust. Now I've never had a boyfriend, or any relations with men, so people automatically assume that I don't struggle with anything like that. Actually people often think I don't struggle with anything and that I'm perfect. Another impossible pressure on my life. I will never be perfect.

Anyways. A couple weeks ago I slipped up. I slipped up and then immediately after I repented from what I had done. I apologized for willingly allowing lust to come between me and my Father. However, even though I repented, the shame stayed.

I had invited shame back into my life and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me self-conscious. It made me angry at myself and then I was easily angered by others. The self-hatred snuck back in. I felt my body changing. I was breaking out like crazy and I felt awful and worst of all, my joy wasn't there. The thing that I fought so hard to get back, somehow slipped from my grasp.

As the team began to pray, I began praying in my spiritual language. My Swiss roommate struggled with sharing her testimony as I did, and so I prayed for both of us, that we would receive freedom to share our testimonies that would bring others freedom.

Rachel prayed freedom over me, freedom from fear. The joy was prayed back into my life. Once we were done praying and I had cried a whole buckets worth of tears, I felt it. My joyful spirit was back.

Normally after you cry you still have that sorrowful feeling of what you were crying about. But this, it just seemed the more I cried, the more freedom I received back. The more freedom I claimed back. I noticed, the rest of Thursday that I felt lighter. I felt freer. I felt joyful. When I looked in the mirror that day, I felt beautiful again. I felt like I could look at myself and honestly say that I loved who I was.

Yesterday I spent a good three hours talking with a friend about my dreams and what I believe God is doing in my life. I was talking into God's destiny for me. I came home and realized that my skin was clearing up. It had been one day. One day of freedom and my whole life seemed turned around, back on the right path.

I have passion for my future again. I have passion to help people again and love people again. If this is my welcome back to freedom, I'm never going to take it for granted again. I'm never going back.

Climbing the mountain out of the valley.

Today i had a conversation with one of my best friends about our schooling and how we have changed so much since our first year here. 

I used to be this shy girl who was really quiet and never spoke up for herself. 

Now i'm this loud woman who laughs hysterically, and makes sure that my voice is heard. Most of the time. 

I came here hoping to be turned into a worship leader, and every door was shut on that dream for three years, and now doors have been opened for me to pursue it and it seems as though i don't really even want it anymore. 

I came here intending to find something, someone maybe, to take me away from home and now i'm determined to return to my hometown and be there to see my nephew grow up. 

I came here knowing no one, and now i have to say goodbye some best friends as they leave to go across the country, to embark on marriage, or even to just go and start their ministry. 

This past year i have had these friends pour into me and encourage me, and embrace me, and protect me. And now they are leaving. 

They are leaving in this time where i'm not even sure what i want anymore. These two best friends have been the ones to help me out of my ruts, and my dark places. 

And i'm in a rut now. I have no clue what i'm doing with my life. I don't feel passionate about anything at this point and I don't want to do anything more. 

I think that i'm ready though. It always gets to this point, where it's hard to even continue. To move along. 

But i think these three and a half years with friends and God to pull me through and change me and grow me, i think i can make it. I think that with just God i can climb out of this rut, out of this valley that has lasted so long. 

I think that i can do it on my own now. I think that these friends have been so good to me and blessed me so much that now it's my turn. It's my turn to be that blessing to other people. It's my turn to lend my hand in helping people through. It's my turn to finally reach out, go out, and be with people. 

So, as i say goodbye to my dear friends, i'm climbing this mountain out of the valley, and i think i can begin to see the other side. 

Mom and I Are Very Proud of You.

The words i so desperately needed to hear. 

"Mom and I are very proud of you." - My Dad. 

I used to be so scared of what my father thought. Not to the point of not doing what i loved, but to an extent, i was a little scared to dream. 

I grew up in a pretty stable household. I went to church with my mother, and my father would come occasionally when i would be in a play or sing at church. But other than that, he didn't really have a connection with my loving music and being on the worship team. 

I had sports with him. He played caught with me, and helped coach my little league team. 

I think our relationship kind of fell apart a bit when i became a teenager and was just upset at the world all the time, and went through the stage of being annoyed with my mom. And of course my notorious attitude. 

Well. All heck broke loose when we weren't financially stable anymore. They couldn't pay the house payment, and our home for twelve years was auctioned out from underneath us. 

Every since then, and probably a little bit before then, i've had it said to me multiple times that i need a good job so i could be financially stable. So of course it didn't come as a big shock that when i voiced my desire to go to a christian college and minor in music my dad wasn't necessarily happy about it. Not happy and not supportive are two very different things i guess.

I went through my first two years of college thinking that my dad didn't support me. I was afraid to talk to him and tell him anything about payments, or what would happen after, because to be honest i have no clue what is going to happen after. 

And now that i might be going to Massachusetts when i graduate it's even harder because i'll be on the other side of the country. 

I got an email from him tonight asking what city i would be in when i move to Mass, because he wants to check out places they could stay in an RV when they come visit. I told him it wasn't a for sure thing, that i'm still waiting to figure it out to see if it's right. And he just tells me that "if it makes it easier for you, follow your heart and love what you do, for passion is the key to success." Then he ends the message with "Mom and I love you so much and are very proud of you." 

It's crazy how you can go so long thinking that someone doesn't support you. My father just told me to follow my heart, and to follow my passion. I've never heard him say this to me before, it's usually more like "you should be an accountant."

This is such a bittersweet email. My father has finally silenced my doubts about my dreams, and told me to basically go for it. And he has told me he is proud of me. But it also means that i'm leaving, and won't be with them all the time. 

I know that it may suck not to see them. But my very black and white, must be a logical, steady, stable job, dad just gave me the green light to follow my dreams. I'm not going to stop now.