In My Own Head

Two Weeks ago I wrote a blog post about getting to know people and it being extremely hard for me to say goodbye to those people. Last night I had a bit of an emotional episode.

This summer, friends have come back to work at The Station. People that I truly care about and quite honestly I feel as though I was just holding my breath waiting for them to come back.

For some reason I have allowed this future goodbye make me fall apart.

At every point where I am shut out or cut off from community and hanging out with people I feel a little twinge in my heart. Another opportunity to grow closer, missed.

I think that because I decided to open my heart to people and get to know them, my heart feels extremely exposed. It's like I went from feeling scared to open up, to being scared that I'm not opening up enough and I'm going to say goodbye to these amazing individuals again and it's going to ruin me.

I got in my head.

I allowed my mind to tell me that there isn't enough time.

I've allowed my own season coming to an end make me feel as though everything is.

It's as though I spoke out that I wanted to open up to people and get to know them even if goodbyes are hard, and then I'm faced with another huge goodbye that is going to suck.

A goodbye to friends. A goodbye to summer. A possible last summer at The Station. And a possible last summer in Mammoth. A possible goodbye to my home.

But if I start breaking down now, I can't have my last experience.

I can't live in the moment if I'm thinking of the last one we'll have.

So I need to stop.

Somehow.

I need to stop getting into my own head.

Just Talk

I know it's been a while. So how about an update on where I'm at? Since school started I have changed drastically. I have prophesied. I have prayed for multiple people I didn't know. I have grown and I have been stretched.

Just this last week I have addressed problems in my life that have all coincidentally led back to a spirit of fear.

I'm afraid.

Straight up.

It's where my anxiety comes from. My feelings of inadequacy. My constant feeling that I won't be accepted or liked.

And it's so much more than me needing people to tell me I am good enough.

It's rooted so deep down from my childhood that I don't even really know where it started.

So last week we had an assignment to go up to Mammoth Mountain for the skiing and snowboard qualifiers. We were supposed to prophesy to four people we didn't know, and pray for two people we did know.

I didn't do it.

Actually sorry. I couldn't do it.

I was so scared and I literally stood there paralyzed because I couldn't hear God or didn't want to. So I didn't go up to anyone.

This week, I had to tell my teachers that I didn't do it. And I was also terrified to tell them. One, because I thought they would be disappointed. And two, I almost cry every time I talk about it.

They weren't disappointed. And they were encouraging about me trying again with everyone. I was not ready to even try and wrap my head around that.

I had to go and try again?

Well, last night I had my small group with the other students/friends, and basically I spilled the beans about everything. Fear, anxiety, how I can't talk to strangers let alone prophesy to them. Then they began praying for me and I went about my night.

Opening up my journal, I began writing. I didn't really know what it was until I realized it was God speaking directly to me in letter form. Most of it was encouraging, but then I got to the challenge.

He told me this, "I love you so much! You are my daughter, you are a daughter of the king, a daughter of God. It's time that you start stepping up and stepping out and acting like it. You carry power and I have given you authority. And all you need to be confident in is the fact that I am always there."

Great. I thought to myself. Am still thinking to myself.

You know that it's been pretty bad if God has to give you a kick in the butt.

Today I shared this with my class, and my teacher sat there smiling. Everyone knew that it was something that was most definitely truth in my life and lucky me, I was going to have a chance to walk it out again.

Our assignment today was to go out wherever God told us to go and start conversations with people, give them words, pray for them. Everyone else seemed a little nervous but fine, and I was sitting there on the edge of tears again.

We began praying for where God was leading us and my friend asked me how I felt about it and I just said "I'm scared" and started tearing up.

After I pulled myself together finally, we went out and we talked to some people.

I didn't prophesy over anyone, or pray for anyone, but we talked to a few people.

I came back feeling a little discouraged, but all in all I talked to people.

I took the step, and was intentional to talk to people, and I'm sure we left them feelings encouraged and loved.

So I may not have prophesied, or prayed. But I did talk.

Sometimes it's okay to just talk.