Life Is More Than What I Have Accomplished

Today was rough. I'm not even gonna say that life is great. Life has been tough.

The past couple of days I have had a couple of realizations.

And the weight of those realizations was crushing.

In school today we had the chance to talk about said realizations. About the things that make us feel alive. About the things that I haven't necessarily been doing.

I have dreams. I have passions and desires to do things that I love doing.

But to be honest. I've just barely been surviving.

We went through a whole conversation about past events that could have led me here to this place. This place where I doubt everything I do. This place where I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Where I can't remember the last time I wrote a song. To this place where I feel like all I'm doing is what is asked of me, instead of what I want.

Once we had finished this conversation, it was as if my chest was ripped open and my heart was exposed. And I laid on the sanctuary floor with my chest open crying out to my God. Crying out for help and crying out for some explanation as to why I was crying so uncontrollably.

I couldn't breathe. I was trying to worship but all I could do was curl up into a ball and lay there, right in front of where I stand on occasion and lead worship. I had tried to sing through the tears, but it made it worse and I began hyperventilating.

Completely alone on the floor, I reached out my hands for something. I reached out for hope maybe. Or maybe something that felt like more. Maybe something that was similar to joy. Something I have been lacking for a while.

Natalie told me to text if I wasn't okay. And I desperately wanted to. But I also desperately wanted to be okay. I desperately wanted to seem as though I was strong. Because I am, and I should always be, right?

Today was a relatively good day too. I got to see the dog I took back to the shelter with his new owner. I got to hangout with good friends and eat amazing Mexican food and watch trashy television.

Then I walked into class and it seemed like the flood gates were opened and I couldn't stop.

I feel okay now. I feel very drained, but overall okay.

I have carried around this expectation of myself. That I need to be exactly who I was. I need to have the same consistency with writing songs that I did in high school.

But a wonderful friend so graciously told me today that I don't need to. I can let my focus slip to other things that matter to me. I can paint and take pictures. I can draw and make bracelets. I can write on my blog and I can write in my journal. I can do whatever I want. Because whatever it is, I am creating.

I am a creative.

I love to write, and sing, and be.

I care about people and love crafting relationships out of thin air.

I love creating things that mean the world to me.

I love learning new things.

So as I sit here internally processing, and then externally processing to you all.

I have the realization that it honestly doesn't matter what I do. If I do it with love.

So music doesn't have to be the end all be all.

Creating does. Being in relationship does.

As long as I am doing what God created me to do, then I am doing what I want to do.

As I have this revelation, a quote from my favorite band comes to mind:

"I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished and life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all..."

This Is It. This Is How It Ends.

Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting for. I graduate from the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry. It's been seven months I believe and so much has happened.

I can honestly say that I have grown more this year than I did in four years of bible college.

I have made relationships that I know will last beyond this season and I have gained a family in Lighthouse Church.

Though I am very happy to be graduating, there are many things that make it a little bittersweet.

Yes. Tomorrow I graduate. Again.

But the day after, I have to say goodbye to some of my best friends in the world.

The friends that were here when all of the growth was happening. The ones that saw me start to believe in myself and become more bold and confident. And more importantly, the ones who called it out of me.

If they don't know that they had the biggest impact on me in this season then they are insane. Never have I lived in a community that loved this hard.

This community includes the people who encourage you, that push you, that make you feel safe. They are the people that help restore and build up. They are the people that will hold you when you know you are being completely ridiculous and yet you are still crying all over their sweater. The people that love you too much to let you sit and wallow past the point of what is socially acceptable.

It's always amazing to be able to sit in a classroom and learn things that change your life. But this place has become so much more than that. I get to be a part of something so much bigger than just a school.

I get to be a part of a huge family that spans over nations. I get to travel all the way to Switzerland and immediately feel like I'm at home. I get to finally dream for things in the future that I know are completely possible and are most likely, sorry, most definitely going to happen.

Here in this place I started to dream again. I started to believe in myself again. I've started calling the gold out of myself. I have joy and I have strength and I am bold.

So as I say goodbye to this season, I get to look forward with the knowledge that I have this family behind me. I get to transition into something new and know that I am supported and I have full confidence that I will always have those people in my life.

The ones that love you enough to encourage you to be who God made you to be.

Just Talk

I know it's been a while. So how about an update on where I'm at? Since school started I have changed drastically. I have prophesied. I have prayed for multiple people I didn't know. I have grown and I have been stretched.

Just this last week I have addressed problems in my life that have all coincidentally led back to a spirit of fear.

I'm afraid.

Straight up.

It's where my anxiety comes from. My feelings of inadequacy. My constant feeling that I won't be accepted or liked.

And it's so much more than me needing people to tell me I am good enough.

It's rooted so deep down from my childhood that I don't even really know where it started.

So last week we had an assignment to go up to Mammoth Mountain for the skiing and snowboard qualifiers. We were supposed to prophesy to four people we didn't know, and pray for two people we did know.

I didn't do it.

Actually sorry. I couldn't do it.

I was so scared and I literally stood there paralyzed because I couldn't hear God or didn't want to. So I didn't go up to anyone.

This week, I had to tell my teachers that I didn't do it. And I was also terrified to tell them. One, because I thought they would be disappointed. And two, I almost cry every time I talk about it.

They weren't disappointed. And they were encouraging about me trying again with everyone. I was not ready to even try and wrap my head around that.

I had to go and try again?

Well, last night I had my small group with the other students/friends, and basically I spilled the beans about everything. Fear, anxiety, how I can't talk to strangers let alone prophesy to them. Then they began praying for me and I went about my night.

Opening up my journal, I began writing. I didn't really know what it was until I realized it was God speaking directly to me in letter form. Most of it was encouraging, but then I got to the challenge.

He told me this, "I love you so much! You are my daughter, you are a daughter of the king, a daughter of God. It's time that you start stepping up and stepping out and acting like it. You carry power and I have given you authority. And all you need to be confident in is the fact that I am always there."

Great. I thought to myself. Am still thinking to myself.

You know that it's been pretty bad if God has to give you a kick in the butt.

Today I shared this with my class, and my teacher sat there smiling. Everyone knew that it was something that was most definitely truth in my life and lucky me, I was going to have a chance to walk it out again.

Our assignment today was to go out wherever God told us to go and start conversations with people, give them words, pray for them. Everyone else seemed a little nervous but fine, and I was sitting there on the edge of tears again.

We began praying for where God was leading us and my friend asked me how I felt about it and I just said "I'm scared" and started tearing up.

After I pulled myself together finally, we went out and we talked to some people.

I didn't prophesy over anyone, or pray for anyone, but we talked to a few people.

I came back feeling a little discouraged, but all in all I talked to people.

I took the step, and was intentional to talk to people, and I'm sure we left them feelings encouraged and loved.

So I may not have prophesied, or prayed. But I did talk.

Sometimes it's okay to just talk.

I Made It.

I remember the few months before I went off to college. They were a blur of worry, stress about money, and distance.

I remember praying daily that God would provide every cent for my school payments. I mean, he had called me to go to this school, so why shouldn't it be provided for.

My parents weren't in a good financial place to pay all of the payments that the school loans wouldn't cover.

But somehow. I made it.

I made it because my parents skimped.

I made it because my mom took old gold jewelry to a pawn shop and sold it for my tuition.

I made it because my pastors donated a hundred dollars a month to my account.

I made it because my aunt blessed me with almost four hundred dollars.

I made it because my school decided to give me a small scholarship here and there.

I made it because God provided for all of these people who in turn wanted to bless someone else.

I made it.

Now that I've made it through, I want to thank God and every person that had a hand in it.

I'm so thankful that people saw the potential in my heart, and what God wanted to do with my life, and they wanted to be a part of it.

I look back on all the times where I thought we wouldn't make a payment and then somehow it worked out.

I look back on all those people who blessed me, and I want to be someone who does the same.

I want to help someones dream come true.

I want to do whatever it takes so my kids can do what they love, and what makes them happy.

God has blessed me, and though I have little right now, I want to bless others.

Because others are why I made it.

Friend

As I stood and watched you walk away, my mouth held in the words that you needed to hear. 

I couldn’t bring myself to say them. 

Maybe because they would be lost in the wind, or maybe among the people placed between us. 

Could it be that you can’t hear them anymore? The words that are meant to lift up. 

You are so far down in the cave of negativity, rejected from all the things you ever wanted. 

How are you still here? 

So much darkness and yet you hold your small candle still, lighting the way. 

You stay on the path before you and you’ve never allowed the obstacles to trip you. 

You are a friend. An amazing person who has gone through so much and yet is still here fighting. 

You are fighting for love, and God, and hope, and I will forever admire you for who you are right now.