I'm used to being alone

I think the feelings of frustration I get from being home come from the fact that I'm used to being along. I can't stand having someone talking all the time, or not even really having privacy in my own room.

I can't stand that I have to tell someone where I'm going when I leave the house, or even when I get up and walk ten feet to my room.

I literally find myself biting my tongue when my mom comes to my room to ask if I'm okay because she "heard a noise."

I am almost a week in and I feel like I'm losing my mind. And I don't know what to do.

Do I risk telling my mom that I need her to back off? Because I desperately do.

I'm an extremely independent person and it kills me to feel like I can't go anywhere in my house and find solace.

I feel like I can't write songs because they'll be on the other side of the door.

I'm getting anxious.

I need to find something to get me out of here.

Is this what it's like to be married?

To have your significant other constantly ask questions about where you're going or just basically invade your whole sense of independence all day?

Because to be perfectly honest, if it is, I don't think I'll be ready for it for a very, very, very, long time, if ever.

I'm used to being alone, and making decisions on my own, and being able to go do things at the drop of a hat because there is no one else to check in with.

Now I know I may be exaggerating a little bit, because it's my mom and it will be different when I'm with someone I choose to be with.

But still, they are going to need to realize that I'm used to being alone, and be able to accept it.

You Are Enough

I'm counting down the days, until I say goodbye The seconds pass so quickly, and I'm running out of time

Being torn in many directions, yet my heart might be left here

There's someone that I'm leaving, and they won't know, I fear

They won't know that they are loved, or just how much I care

I waited much too long, so now it won't seem fair

I've liked you for some time now, and please don't ask me why

Maybe it's because you're handsome, or because you drink whiskey when you cry

I wouldn't mind if you touched me, or even if we kissed

I think I waited too long, for the moment sure was missed

So for now I'll just be saying, that even though it's tough

You truly matter to me, You are enough.

It's been a while.

My life has been pretty crazy the last couple of weeks. And by crazy, I do mean crazy emotional. All of my life I've thought that my heart would be protected if I didn't let a man hurt me.

I thought that if I never got into a relationship with someone then I'd never have the chance to get my heart broken.

But I'm here now, and I'm fully convinced and ready to tell you that I was completely wrong. And that I was kidding myself for years.

This summer I had the wonderful opportunity to become better friends with a few women from my church. These people became some of my best friends. The people I ran to when I was lonely, and when I just needed to sit and watch t.v., or cry.

We joked, and talked about God, and talked about the future.

We vented about ministry, and about boys and about how Lorelei totally should have been with Luke the whole time.

This summer I learned to actually look forward to seeing people, because it wasn't a given anymore. I wasn't just going to be able to walk down my hall and say hi to all of my quadmates.

I learned how much effort friendship really takes, and how much effort I actually wanted to put into it.

I opened my heart to new friends. They weren't just people I was thrown into a situation with. It was intentional.

And now my heart is breaking. More than I ever could have imagined it would.

I'm leaving.

I think about moving home and I can cry in an instant.

I'm excited for the future that I'm going to be preparing for, but sometimes I have doubts that this heartbreak from leaving friends is worth it.

Thinking about starting over scares the hell out of me.

And I may feel heart broken.

But I know that I have memories that I wouldn't trade for anything.

And I think that's what is most important.

Even if it hurts now, I know that I will look back and smile later.

Where is Home?

I've been struggling a lot the past few months, with depression. Mainly sparked from isolation and anxiety. I have been feeling stuck, and unproductive, and hopeless.

I have this feeling that I shouldn't be here anymore. And I'm scared.

I'm scared to leave this place and go home.

I'm scared to let go of everything even though it's all slipping away anyways.

I either leave now with some semblance of a choice, or go home in two months after I have failed to take care of myself.

I thought I would be fine, I thought that I could do it. I don't know what's different between me having gone home this summer and me going home now.

I got to live on my own for three months.

I got to learn how to make priorities.

I had the privilege of being part of such an amazing church, and becoming better friends with people that I knew.

I'm scared that going home is giving up.

I'm scared that I'll go home and get stuck. Or that I won't want to leave.

I'm so scared. And I can't do anything about it.

I think deep down this is something I need to learn to be okay with.

I need to learn that this home isn't permanent and it's just until I can get on my feet and start my adult life.

I know that this could be a time to prepare for what I truly want to do. This could be the time that I take to save and plan the next step. I can write, and play, and figure it all out.

I just need clarity, and peace about it.

I also know that if I find my home in God, that I can be anywhere.

But Lord, please just make this clear to me.

I've said for so long that I can't go back there. But I think I might just be running from things. Things that if I faced it could bring me healing. Lord give me peace and clarity. Amen.

I Never Know What To Think

We've all had crushes in our lives. We've also all had a friend who inspires hope for said crush. False hope, one could say.

All of my life, I have been best friend to this person who deems it okay to blurt out that they "totally like you back."

And even though I know it has never been that way before, I allow for the hope to seep into my heart and in turn it is let loose on a wild goose chase for love.

I don't know why I let this false hope dictate my getting over someone.

I was thinking about it today, mainly because I have a crush on someone I realize now probably isn't just a bored crush. (A bored crush is defined as someone who is basically just there, your only option, or the best out of what you have in front of you).

It's been about three months, and I've had a crush on the same person. Yes I see him on a daily basis, and yes I do believe he is the best out of what is in front of me, but for some reason I think it's more than just the bored crush.

As stated in my last post, I had a conversation with a co-worker about character, and reading people. That co-worker and my crush, are one and the same.

After that whole conversation had gone down, I didn't really know what to do so I sent a text to one of my best friends about it. We talked through it and everything was okay, it wasn't a big deal.

Today, she asked me "Have you talked to _____ yet?"

I was taken off guard thinking she was talking about the things he said so I just replied, "Well, I talk to him all the time, but I don't think he would actually ask about that."

But then she replied, "Well no, I mean, just everything he said. People don't just notice all those things, even if they are observant."

And so it begins....

I don't have to justify this crush. I really don't. There have been a few times where I had thought he liked me back but I was just reading into things too much. Then this happened.

She didn't openly say anything encouraging about this crush or anything like "he likes you too!"

A simple, "people don't just notice all those things.."and I'm soaring.

In my head....

"Oh my God, you're right, he totally was just saying he was really observant with everyone to cover up the fact that he noticed all that stuff about me, and he actually likes me too and...and...and...blah...blah..blah..."

Good Lord! When will it end?!?!

How about we go back to when we held off until a guy said he was interested. Or how about we just show our interest and possibly even speak up before we become completely lost in a crush that will go no where.

I have wasted almost six months of my life before, being led on, and fed false hope from many friends, only to realize that this person was never going to like me back.

I have been tricked and hurt, mainly by myself, because I sat in the hope that my interest will be reciprocated, but I also waited, inactive and trying to play it "cool."

I have driven probably around a thousand miles if not more, in hopes that I would drive past certain crushes on the off chance that they would be out walking around, or in their own car driving by.

It's funny though, because even though my friends feed me false hope, I never actually believe it. I never actually believe that someone likes me.

So in this moment, I'll wait I guess. I don't know if he likes me. I don't know what to think about the things he writes, or the observations he blurts out.

All I know is that when he said all those things, I felt comfort in the fact that someone saw some of the darkest insecurities and secrets that I had and treated me the same. I know that when he jokingly says "that's hot" to something I awkwardly do or say, It makes me blush inwardly. (never outwardly). I know that when he brushes past me, he smells good, and I wish that he was closer. I'm not going to lie, he knows that I don't like being touched. And I wish that he didn't know that. Because I wouldn't mind if it was him.

Sometimes I feel so dumb for liking him too. He always talks and I just listen. I could probably listen to him all day, which is rare because I don't really like when people talk a lot. He does this cute thing where he says "shut up" when I'm about to start a conversation with him, and I want to slap him in the face. But God bless my heart, I like him like crazy.

He does all these things that make me like him more, and I don't know if he's just nice, or you know...

I never know what to think.

So here I am. Fighting the false hope. Fighting the crush that probably isn't right. And fighting my conscience. Because I just might tell him. I might just tell him that either his detective skills just aren't good enough to realize it, or he's just pretending to be ignorant to the fact that I have liked him the whole time.

Sometimes you want them to know, but you don't want to have to say anything.

For a good portion of my life, I have been plagued with shame. I have been overridden with guilt and regret for past decisions and situations that I did not volunteer for.

Sometimes I find myself caught up in it all. It doesn't matter where I am, I can stare off into space and wish that things had been different for me.

Everyone has a tough life, I'm convinced. It doesn't matter who you are, we were made to endure certain struggles and to be made stronger through those struggles.

I have a not so clean past. A past that seems as though it could only be written about in a cruel novel where the main character is always playing the victim.

Today I found myself having a certain discussion with a co-worker about being able to know things about people just based on observations and the way that they act and react to things.

I was interested to hear what he had to say about me, so after about twenty minutes of me begging him and reassuring him that it wouldn't be awkward, he caved.

He started off with a certain situation, basically describing how the guys at the establishment I work at always go to the window to stare at "hot" girls as they walk past, or make me switch them when a hot girl comes to the window. Then he said the word self-conscious.

I know this about myself. It's no big deal.

After I basically pulled it out of him, he said that he would say some key words. So he began. Acceptance. Self-conscious, mentioning the window scenario again, lack of confidence, based on looks, comparing myself to those girls, having a willingness to do whatever to be accepted. All of this was spot on, and yes somewhat general for girls these days anyway. But then he said "and you get upset when the guys make rape jokes, and you don't like to be touched, so there's probably something there.."

My heart sank. How is it, that this person who has known me for three months could know all of this information just by being observant?

Whenever I took a mini-vacation from awareness and decided to let my thoughts travel back to my past I had always wished that someone would see it in my eyes. That someone could just figure it out without me having to spell it out, or awkwardly bring it up. I wanted someone to know and comfort me and tell me that there was no shame.

I wanted them to know, but I didn't want to have to say anything.

This moment for me was exciting. Believe it or not. Someone knew. Someone knew and they didn't treat me differently.

I think this conversation made me realize that I am seen. That someone noticed. That I was worth noticing.

Sometimes you want them to know, but you don't want to have to say anything.

Identity Crisis

This weekend I had the privilege to go on vacation to Palm Springs with a few of my friends. We watched movies, ate, slept, and read magazines, on repeat.

At some point we ended up talking about couples we knew that got married and how most people end up changing because their significant other.

One of my very wise friends stated that people need to find themselves and figure out who they are before they bring someone else who has completely different interests, opinions, and values into the mix.

When I think about my desire to get married and have a family, I think about my desire to be myself.

It's funny because my whole life, as I've stated before in previous blogs, I have been the people pleaser, the one who wanted to be accepted, by guys yes, but people in general.

I've spent my whole life trying to be what other people will find attractive, funny, interesting, or just socially acceptable.

I have hated country, and then loved country again, and gotten into hardcore music, and then only listened to acoustic music.

I tried to make myself seem tough, and independent.

I tried to make myself seem more experienced and worldly.

I went from hating cussing to cussing like a sailor to hating it, to thinking it was okay, to now where I still think it's hilarious as long as people aren't getting offended.

I've spent so much time trying to be what the world wants and putting myself in roles that nobody really asked me to be in. And I am so damn tired.

I realize now that when I say I'm tired, I'm not actually tired physically, but I'm tired of spending so much time trying to fit in and be someone completely contradictory to who God created me to be.

I wasn't made to be the one who draws attention, I'm the one you get to know and figure out that I truly care about people.

I'm the one who would rather talk about you and help you than spend the time to actually help myself, which I'm seeing now, is sort of a problem sometimes.

I was made to love people, in my way.

My identity is in Christ, and it always has been.

I can live in grace by knowing that I am enough the way I am, I don't have to do anything to be loved, and I want to be a person that shows other people that they don't have to do anything to be loved.

I am loved, adored, strong, courageous, hopeful, beautiful, and on my way to joyful.

I want to live the life that God created me for, but I can't do that if I keep trying to live it as someone he didn't create me to be.

Im Itching for Adventure

Lately I've just been feeling stuck. I've been in this small town for a little over four years and it's great and all, but I don't think it's what I want.

I want to be in a city where there are four seasons, not just hot and then a little less hot in the winter.

I want to wear layers, and be able to sit outside and drink hot coffee.

I actually want to walk around outside and explore without feeling like I'm going to break a sweat walking down the street.

I don't want commitments, or things holding me down. I want to feel free.

I want to move to a random town for a couple of months just to see a new place.

I want to road trip the U.S. in a Jeep Cherokee with my guitar, cds, a tiny mattress and my journal.

I want to take pictures of the beautiful things and people that I see.

I just want adventure.

I'm tired of being here.

I think that I can handle being far away from my family if at least I'm doing something worth while.

I am itching for adventure.

And I know I'm just on the cusp of it.

Trust and love

I think I've figured it out.The reason it takes a little bit of time to get to know me is because I have trust issues. I don't trust that people will like me for who I am. I don't trust people to see me, and not just my weight or any other physical thing that comes before getting to know someone. I've always had a wall up when meeting new people because I need to know how much of myself to share so I won't share the parts that will be judged or taken advantage of. I don't trust people. Because of this I don't love. I don't love myself. And I have a hard time showing love to others if I constantly think that they will judge me so I don't show the love of God. I took a second and just pictured my life as it is. I realized that as a child I got so hurt by trying and loving, so this made me bitter, cynical, and apathetic. I decided being apathetic about everything and not showing real love or passion for anything would help me save face when people didn't like things I liked, or when my attempts at anything eventually tanked. I stopped trying. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll try hard to do something that I truly care about and I'll be crushed because I put my whole heart into it. I do this with relationships. What if I became super outgoing? What if I showed all of myself to people when we first met and they decide right away that they don't like me? So I found it better to not share my whole self. And instead I will show people what they are okay with. I'll be interested in things they'll be interested in. And I'll hide all the interests they don't like. But what if I picture it another way. What if I try to trust someone once. What if when I first meet someone, I make my dumb jokes and be sarcastic and actually make an effort to get to know them and show them me? And what if they like me? What if they decide my friendship is worth it? Isn't trusting people worth it? Isn't being yourself worth it? So what if you decide to be yourself and a few people get rubbed the wrong way. It's better than forcing yourself to fit in and like things you don't like and hide things about yourself that you love. I hide my music. I only share my music with people who I trust and love. But where is that going to get me? I'm scared. I don't trust. And I haven't loved to my full potential. And It's about time that I start. Start trusting people. Start loving people. And start loving myself and giving myself the chance at life that I deserve.

Enough.

I let it all get to me. I let the darkness in.

I tried so hard to keep calm and not worry about tomorrow, but then I did.

I started sinking like Peter and though I tried to tread water I became fully submerged in the darkness of doubt.

Repeatedly isolated and lonely I had no one to really turn to about my issues.

My feelings of inadequacy, shame, lust, anxiety, anything.

The darkness came in, and it all became too much.

Finally it all broke. The dark walls that had crept up around my heart and my spirit, they cracked.

With each new crack, every new tear, a piece fell away. The light was making it's way back in.

Hope and trust stirred in my heart. Everything had broken and it seemed that the dam of doubt that was keeping everything in wasn't strong enough.

Though tears were many, they were needed.

A little girl, overwhelmed, hurt, lonely, needing comfort and guidance. Her Father giving her hope, and telling her what she desperately needed to hear. That she is enough just the way she is, and that He loves her.

"Dear Michelle, you are so loved by everyone who knows you. You are a child of God, and He loves you so much. There is nothing that you can do to make Him love you more or love you less. You are ENOUGH. This is just a reminder that He is watching over you and taking care of you all the time. With Love, Another Child of God."

It got to the point where I didn't think that God saw me anymore. And this realization that I thought this broke me all over again.

How could the creator forget His creation? How could a Father forget His daughter?

I laid in a ball on my bed, sobbing, with my face in my hands trying to breathe.

Desperately trying to just breathe in anything that would make me feel better, that would make me happy and peaceful, and I knew, I KNEW, that only God could bring me the peace that I was desperately seeking.

I was in this place of complete unhappiness with life, I was anxious, I was scared and worried about life, and money, and people, and I felt forgotten. And then when I need it the most, God has someone give me that letter.

God made sure that I knew it was going to be okay. Not everything is made okay now, but this letter is a promise that God will always take care of me, and that it will be okay.

God is the only one who takes me as I am. I could be who I am now, forever, and He would still love me. I am enough.

Solitary

I just had the realization that most of my interests, or the things that I love to do, are solitary activities. I like to read.

I like to sit and listen to music.

I like to drive.

I like to write music and perform my songs acoustically.

I like to sit in my room and watch tv and movies.

I like to sit in silence as I silently think, pray, or play out completely unrealistic scenarios in my head.

It seems that these days in most of my down time I'm alone.

For some reason, since I was a kid I imagined being with someone. I imagined finally having a boyfriend and things would change and he would be my everything. But I don't think I want that.

I don't want a man to become my everything. Man is so irresponsible, and unreliable.

I willingly put everything I am in Christ, or at least I try.

God has made me who I am, someone that can stand alone. Someone that can handle the weight of the world because she's strong and doesn't need another human to take care of her. Yes I accept help, and I trust that God will provide. But I don't depend on a man to make me happy.

I can do things on my own. I even go to movies by myself. I like it.

I just think that maybe I need someone who is okay with that. Someone who is okay with my needing a little bit of space and independence.

Or maybe just someone who is willing to sit with me.

I want a partner, not someone to do everything for me, or to be everything that I am.

I want someone who can show up and just sit down while I'm thinking and wait for me to open up.

Someone who can sit next to me while I drive and not feel as though they need to talk, that music is enough.

We could read our books together. Constantly shifting so that our limbs don't fall asleep as we sit for hours on end pouring over the words of writer after writer.

I'll be honest.

I'm tired of being alone.

I'm tired of feeling like I need to go out and be someone completely different to get someone.

I can't be the outgoing person that other girls are. I won't go out and just meet someone out of my own will.

I'm the introvert girl who needs to feel out situations, but by the time I find what's okay to say the moment is over.

So I stay solitary. In my room, in my mind, in my heart.

And I hate it.

Worn thin

I don't know why, but I feel like I'm losing control of everything. And it's not in the "I need to control everything" way.I literally just feel so exhausted. Or spread thin. But most of the time I'm happy. Most of the time I go a whole day being content. And then I just feel lost on other days. I feel like I'm not giving enough of myself, but then I look at my life and see that there is nothing left of me to give. Or it seems. I think that I've hit the ceiling. On my emotions. On my relationship with God. I keep pressing harder and harder against the ceiling but it doesn't come off. I just get spread and worn, thinner and thinner across it. I know that something needs to change in my life. I don't know what it is. But I know it's going to come into my home of comfort and it's going to blow up. It's going to blow the ceiling right off. And I know it's going to hurt like hell. But I'm ready.

An Off Day

Usually I'm a moderately confident person. Confident in what I'm doing with my life, at least for the next day or two.

Confident in myself and my calling.

However, every once in a while someone comes along and throws a wrench in my confidence.

Today I went from being completely content with my life, to questioning if I'll even make it to the end of the day. (I did by the way).

Right now I lead worship at my church and I love it. Being a worship leader is what I felt I had been called to. And I still feel called to it.

I have a job to pay the bills, for now anyways, and I've been pretty happy with the stability and income.

For some reason I decided to go into an interview today for a company I didn't even know of, and after about thirty minutes of sitting listening to some guy trying to convince me that I actually wasn't happy otherwise I wouldn't be looking for another job, I left feeling like my life was spiraling out of control.

I was livid with this man. He was trying to get into my head and he doesn't even know who I am or how I work.

I know who I am. I am not someone who can be a salesperson. It's not that I'm "scared to fail," I just really didn't want to do it.

I came home and felt about a thousand pounds of pressure to go on Craigslist and try to find another job right that second.

I was off all day after that. I felt like I wasn't in control. And for some reason I knew that I was in trouble.

I know the minute I try controlling everything I lose a bit of my faith.

I had to stop and relax. I know that God is going to take care of me.

I trust that God has plans for my life. I believe that no matter what God will provide for my every need.

I may not always have what I want, but I know that God is good. God is always good.

Just a thought.

We all know that there will always be people who will tear us down. There will always be the people who aren't happy with their lives and for that reason they will feel the need to try and hurt ours.

We all know this.

Some days are harder than others to get through.

Today was one of those days for me.

Stuck in between two people arguing, even if it seems harmless, hurts me. It hurts to feel like I have to choose a side for a stupid reason. It hurts to see people that I actually like go through things like feeling undermined and then also feeling like people are over stretching their authority.

Sometimes people hurt you unintentionally. But nevertheless, they hurt you.

We all know that this happens, even if we feel as though we are good people.

But then again.

There are always going to be people who think the world of you, and would rather take the hit than let you take it.

There are going to be people who pour into you and try to make things good for you.

There are going to be people like my wonderful pastors who invited me to come babysit because I'm unfortunately very short on cash.

There are going to be people who randomly decide to bless you with a meal, and maybe a pedicure.

There are going to be people who build you up with words and acts of kindness.

Because I know that there will always be these people, it makes it a lot easier to deal with the ones that aren't as great or encouraging.

I thank God for these wonderful people in my life that for some reason see enough in me that they feel I deserve these blessings.

The Struggle is Real.

 Throughout my whole life I have seen others go through terrible circumstances. I have seen people walk away from God for the smallest reason, or at least it seemed like it to me. Because of this, I had this fear grow inside of me. That one day my faith in God wouldn’t be enough, and my fear and worry would be too big and I would turn and run.

As I was graduating college, I knew that life was going to get increasingly hard. I knew that I would struggle. The one thing my parents didn’t want, and the one thing for my life that I chose. Because at least this way I’m doing what makes me happy, and I’m following Christ.

I think that God allows us to struggle because how else are we going to distinguish His love from the “love” of the world. How else are we going to make our lives dependent on Him unless He is literally the only person who could ever save us?

This has been the hardest summer of my life, and you know what? I’m glad.

I (somewhat) patiently waited for God to come through for me. Because I had no reason to believe that he wouldn’t.

I applied for jobs straight for about two months and was on the verge of just giving up and going home to get a job before the summer even ended.

At one point I went home and applied for a job that my friend could have gotten me. Though I cried the whole way to the place knowing it was wrong, I still applied and was interviewed on the spot. I didn’t want it. It wasn’t what I wanted. Nothing had ever felt more like giving up to me. So I told my friend even if they offered it to me I wouldn’t take it.

When I arrived back that week I got a couple of calls and opportunities, one of which was the place I now currently work at.

So I had a job! Things were working out.

Within a week of working there I was in contact with the people who I would eventually move in with. Even though my host home situation ended a bit rough and feelings were hurt I can now come home and relax, because I’m home. This is my home.

This past weekend I went away for a wedding, and over the span of one weekend a scam I had fallen for had taken three separate transactions from my account and I almost didn’t make it home.

Pissed off at the world for the first two days I was back home, I hadn’t really given it to God. I tried my best to deal with the problem on my own first. You know. Because I’m human and can’t let things go.

I went to the bank and got my card switched but couldn’t do much else. Yesterday one of the transactions was put back and I was glad, but still pretty upset.

I went to my small group and we talked about the few things that we still, though we say we don’t we do, keep from God. One of mine, obviously finances.

People asked for prayer requests to pray for us. I decided it was best to just say it. I don’t trust God enough was the bulk of my request. It was the fact that I don’t really trust God with my finances or trust that he will provide.

So my request, that I would trust Him more and have peace in it.

I came home, passed out in bed, and woke up this morning to a text from my mom telling me another transaction was returned. Praise Jesus! I told her. And I did.

I know that struggle in my life is God’s way for showing His greatness. There is no one greater than my God and I think this summer, I’ve really needed to see that. Even if seeing it felt like I was getting punched in the stomach.

Mornings as an adult have become increasingly difficult.

Every since I got a job, I find myself exhausted in the morning and it literally takes me at least an hour to completely pull my ass out of bed and go downstairs to eat breakfast. And then I come back upstairs and sit on my bed and go on my computer. Then eventually, I will dramatically groan and flop back on my bed and just lay there. Never truly ready for the day to begin....

And as of now. I'm basically okay with this being how life is. This is my Saturday.

Sometimes Things Happen. And They Hurt.

Sometimes things happen. Sometimes you have a totally fine day and then you get off work and all the sudden something happens that hurts you down to your core and you have no way of making it any better.

Sometimes people aren't receptive of apologies.

Sometimes people target you when really other things are going on in their lives.

Sometimes things hurt. And they can't be stopped.

Jesus at the Center of it All

I feel like I've been living in the same season for a very long time. A season of misunderstanding, and a fight with my flesh.

I don't remember a time when I wasn't struggling to say no to myself and take up my cross and choose Jesus. A struggle I mostly lost to myself.

Last night I went to the "Not a Fan" small group from my church, this alone was a denying of myself, because if I chose myself I would be at home watching the newest episode of one of my many shows instead.

This week we talked about things that we haven't given up to God, and making God our one and only.

Well as you could imagine, we all have things that distract us, or take up room in our hearts that truly belongs to Jesus. As the whole room went around sharing one thing that they struggle with, I was at a loss. I was still struggling with denying myself my pride. I was ashamed of what I truly hold on to. Worry, My future, stress, money, relationships, crushes, and of course unforgiveness. I decided to share worry (when I was asked to share), mainly because it seemed like the safest option.

But my insides were stirring and my heart seemed as though it were being crushed by my fear of vulnerability.

I couldn't open up and say that I lust. I couldn't open up and say that I'm not willing to give up my search for a man in my life. I couldn't open up my prideful mouth and tell the group that I still deep deep down hold unforgiveness towards my brother for not protecting me from harm. And unforgiveness towards myself for being so naive.

I hold all of these emotional ties, and they are keeping me from truly loving Jesus and Him being the center of my life.

I want to push everything out of my heart so that I can truly say Jesus holds it all.

I want to forgive myself and others for hurting me.

I want to deny myself every morning when I wake, because I have no idea whats good for me and I desperately need my Lord's guidance.

I need to wake up and acknowledge that there is no way I could make it through the day without Him.

There is no way I can take a breath without Him knowing.

I want to desperately need Him like the air I breathe.

There is no one greater than my God. So how can I continue to give other things my affection and love "things" more than I love the very Creator of my being?

If you ever have a chance to talk to me, you know that I quote movies incessantly. I quote tv shows and I quote conversations I have with people. I allow for my heart and mind to soak up all of this media and meaningless babble because it somehow adds to my "identity." But my identity needs to be found in Christ.

So I take another step today and deny myself. I forgive myself for my past, and stay thankful that the decisions I made (thought they may have hurt) brought me here. I forgive my brother, and stay thankful that I had a brother at all. I lay down my worry about money, my future, and future relationships, and stay thankful for where I am right now (I have a job and a place to live). I lay down any crushes that may arise, and stay hopeful that there is a man out there somewhere designed by God, someone who may not be "the one" but who will be my "right one." Someone who will pursue me, and make it known that they see me for who I really am. Lastly, I lay down my life, and take up the cross that until this moment I have been too frightened to bear.

Jesus be the Center of it all.

Deeply Rooted Fear

Today I got a call from an establishment I applied to two months ago, asking if I was still looking for employment. The manager asked if I could interview tomorrow and of course as the unemployed college grad that I am I said yes. Needless to say I've been excited all day. But when I opened the door for the excitement to come in, anxiety snuck in right behind it.

You see, for the past two months, I have applied for jobs, I have searched, and handed out my resume, and nothing.

I went home last week and made the final decision that I would not be returning to Hollister any time soon because it is a step back from where I want to be going.

I made this decision based on growth in my relationship with God. I know that away from home I rely on God and myself more, rather than my parents or friends.

However, when I said no to that option it seemed that three others popped up in it's place. Cut off one head and three more grow back, right?

Well now I'm planning to hopefully move to Washington with a friend in August. New start, new people, and new opportunities are held there in the town of Olympia. All of course just plans. No solid structure considering a job or a place to stay. But my friend knows people and there is a good church there. Opportunity #1 pursued, in thought at least.

Two days ago I got an email from a teacher that was an ad for a worship leading position where living would be taken care of and there would be an income. But it's in Missouri. I called the Pastor and then emailed him my resume. Opportunity #2 pursued.

The interview. The interview is somewhat tied to opportunity #1. If I get offered the job I take it and work there until we have to make the trek north to Olympia. Then I quit.

However, what if I decided to stay?

You see this interview could mean a solid job, that could pay for rent and bills and my loans. It could mean being able to stay at the church I'm at, in a position I actually love and being able to mentor students who come and go. I've been developing a heart for young adults and mentoring and this could be the place I could do that.

I keep thinking of other places as a new start, as a place to really go for it, and a place to try and live out my dreams. But I think this wanting to go somewhere new is something deeper than just wanting to see new places.

Other than my newly developed desire to travel, I think it may have to do with a deeply rooted fear of failure.

You see, if I go somewhere new and try to live my dreams and fail...well, no one knows me.

But if I take the steps to try and become something here, where all my friends and church family are, and fail, then everyone sees.

Everyone will see me failing at something I thought was my dream.

It's like that birthday party that you take so much time planning and then no one shows up and you're left there with the family that has to be there to celebrate you.

I'm scared of failure. I haven't worked for anything in my life. I haven't even found a job on my own, the one I had was handed to me. I'm scared that the minute I step out on my own to try and do my own thing, I won't be good enough.

That's where faith comes in I guess. Having faith that God gave me these dreams, and he knows the desires of my heart, and if I stay faithful to Him, then he will do the rest.

Right now I'm just praying for Him to intervene. I have these three wonderful options and I don't want to let fear or my own will make the decision for me.

I do believe there are certain seasons in life and I can't help but wonder if my season in Southern California may be coming to an end.

Daily Devotion Catch Up

I normally don't share my devotions with people, mainly because I think they are personal between God and me. But today I was reading a chapter in Acts. Just randomly, I don't follow a reading plan or anything I just open my bible and sometimes where it falls open I will read it. Today it was Acts 22. 

After Paul is converted Jesus tells him to leave Jerusalem quickly because his testimony about Jesus wouldn't be accepted there. Paul says this, "Lord, they themselves know that in every synagogue I imprisoned them and beat those who believed in you. And while the blood of your witness Stephen was shed, I myself was standing by approving and keeping the coats of those who killed him" (Verses 19-20). 

I love that Paul brought this up, not because of it's context in the chapter, but because of it's truth. Paul states that he was the "chief of sinners," yet it took me reading through this chapter to actually grasp it. Paul literally watched as Christians were killed, he gave the killing order. Paul beat Christians and imprisoned them. Yet Jesus called him. Jesus called Paul, the "Chief of sinners" to follow him and to go and share the gospel. 

Lately I've been struggling a lot with my past, because for some reason I think it defines me, and holds me back, and keeps me from love.

Reading through this chapter was like a bucket of freezing cold water on my sleeping soul.

If God called Paul, the person who imprisoned Christians and ordered for their murder, and forgave him, then why couldn't he do the same for me? My holding on to my past and not forgiving myself and thinking that I can't be forgiven, is in complete contradiction from what Jesus did on the cross. How can I continue to tell others that they are forgiven for their sins, if I can't believe that mine are forgiven? How can I tell other people that their pasts make no difference and I still love them the same, if I can't believe anyone could ever say that to me? 

I have sinned. I have fallen short of the glory of God. However. I am saved. I am called. And I have been forgiven. You are forgiven. Nothing that you have done in your past can keep you from God when he says that you are forgiven. So for me, it's time to forgive myself and move on. If I don't start now I'll never be able to let people in. I deserve love, and my past doesn't change that. 

Thank you God for your forgiveness and never-ending love. I love you. Amen.