"I'm Fine"

Sometimes I retreat. 

Sometimes I withdraw. One of my teachers has called me out on this a couple of times. He told me he noticed that when we were doing a group project I shut down and didn't give any further input.

You see, everything around me can be so overwhelming that I have to just shut down my mind sometimes. Otherwise, well, I don't know what will happen. 

I get emotionally drained. For some reason this has been happening more often that it did before. 

I've been finding myself trying so hard to stay awake and participate in class. I've gotten enough sleep. I shouldn't be tired. 

I think that I struggle with anxiety. This has been a long time coming to admit this, but I truly think I do. 

I get self-conscious about everything, and for some reason this makes me tense up, or it makes me feel as though I need to be put together all the time. I worry about what people will think of me. I also worry about certain outcomes from things that haven't even come into play yet.

Sometimes it's all just too much. 

I don't really tell people much about the tough parts of my life though. Maybe because I feel as though they are insignificant compared to other people's issues, or that it makes me seem weak. 

Even now I feel as though I have too much to handle. 

But you'll never know. Because I won't bring it up. 

I won't bring up the fact that I feel like crying a lot of the time attention is drawn to me. Especially if it's negative.

I won't tell anyone that speaking in front of people makes me so nervous sometimes that I could literally go to bed after and sleep for days. 

I won't tell anyone that the future legitimately scares the hell out of me and I don't know what to do when I graduate.

Sometimes I get so drained and all I want is for someone just to hug me. I want them to know that something is wrong, and to just hug me and tell me that it's going to be alright. To hold me and let me feel it all at once, rather than stuff it down for the seventh week in a row.

But people won't know. Because I hide it. Or brush it off as a joke. Or say that I'm just tired.

People don't truly know what they are in for when they ask if I'm okay. 

I avoid it all. I say I'm fine. 

My Attempt at "Fiction"

"I don't know what to do now." She said, having decided it was time she finally spoke up. It was in this moment where the realization that she didn't have any real dreams came to surface. She looked him in the eyes and she saw it, the sadness had now taken over him.

There was no reason for him to be sad, she was just voicing her thoughts, or at least what she had been feeling for the past five months. She didn't know what to do. The eye contact seemed to last longer than forever until he finally looked down and out the window. "What?" She asked him, trying to make sense of why he hadn't spoken yet.

"I can't." He said quickly, without shifting. She looked down at her folded hands in her lap shaking, contemplating how to go on further.

"I just, I wanted to be honest." She mumbled. "I don't think I could ever forget about it, if I didn't tell you first." She tried so hard to force down the tears, and the nerves that were attempting to get her whole body, instead of just her hands. She had never let it get this far. Falling in love with someone always seemed too scary for her so she never took the leap. She hadn't let herself get to this point, not for a long time. The last time almost broke her completely.

"I get it." He said, invading her thoughts, she looked up and he was looking into her eyes again. It's like those eyes could stop anything, her heart at least. "I just don't know what I should say."

This is what she was waiting for wasn't it? The great rejection? Why did she think that it would be any different than the last time? Why on earth did she let herself get to the point of love without shutting it down? She was being careless. She was careless. How could she let this happen? She felt her heart clench and it wasn't letting go. Is this what heart break feels like? You get to the point where you can't hold it in any longer, so you need to tell that person? She thought. But then she finally uttered the words and silence.

As she had sat there after telling him her feelings, she watched his expression. She watched it go from content to extremely confused. She had said it right, right? She kept playing it over and over in her head, until she realized neither of them had said anything for the past two minutes. They had just sat there, in the silence. That's when she decided to speak up. Now knowing that her feelings weren't reciprocated, because otherwise he would have said something. That's when she decided to lay everything out on the table. This table that once had all their friends gathered around it, now just them because she had asked him to stay.

You see, when she got here, she figured that she would just meet someone, and then go with them wherever they went. She would be one to follow. She didn't mind it, because well, she didn't have any big dreams. She'll just latch on to someone else's and go with them. She didn't mind, she actually preferred it. But now...?

As she sat there, her hands still in her lap, shaking. She realized that she had put all her hopes into something completely one-sided. She had hoped for him too hard. She put her heart into something that was dangerous. It was probably the biggest risk she had ever taken, loving someone whether or not they loved her back. Is this how God feels every time he shows us love? She thought. Sitting there, hoping and praying that they will receive it and decide to love you back? Because here she was, hoping and praying, but breaking at the seams.

He sat there, completely silent. As she tried to steady her breathing, her heart. She looked down again and she began to lose it. She lost the tears that she had been pushing down, and her whole body began to shake. She needed to leave. She looked up one last time to indicate that she was done, her heart was on her sleeve for too long and it needed to go back inside and start beating again. She knew that she would remember this. She would remember this moment as a defining moment in her life. The time where she took the leap, she took the risk of putting her heart out there and it was rejected; sent back to it's perfectly safe cave in her chest, wounded...

She looked into his eyes, and saw it again, the confusion. She pushed herself back in her chair to get up and he stopped her by placing his hand on hers.

"Stop" he said. Looking as though he was still unsure of what he was saying. It seemed as though he was acting out of character, and right as she thought it he noticed. He removed his hand from hers and leaned back in his chair, still holding eye contact with her.

As the tears seemed to stop, leaving her with mascara stains on her face, she slowly sat back into the chair unsure of what to expect.

He looked at her, still confused but a little less so than before. "Stay" he mumbled, his voice shaking, he looked down.

"What?" She said, not having heard him over her obnoxiously loud heart beat.

"I said stay..." Finally certain that the words that were leaving his mouth were true, he looked up and into her eyes. "I want you to stay."

A Daughters Breaking Heart

For as long as I can remember my mother has struggled with an immense amount of pain.

Because of this, for most of my life she has been addicted to Vicodin and other painkillers. 

Sometimes it's even hard to make it through the week without her needing to have a glass of wine. And she's a lightweight, so she could get flat out drunk with one and a half.

My mom had a terrible childhood, her mother wasn't good at keeping a stable home. 

Two summers ago I was in my room and I heard my mom crying in the living room, drunk, talking about her dad. 

My dad was trying to comfort her, yes, but this wasn't the first time it had happened and it gets on his nerves that she medicates with substances.

I've had to tell her multiple times that she doesn't need to drink. And that I don't know what to do when she gets like this. 

When I got back from Massachusetts she had an episode. I don't remember what had happened, but she ended up calling her doctor to find a place that would help her get weened off of the Vicodin. It would have been 48 hours long so she would have had to stay. Her and my dad got in the car and left, and then no more than five minutes later they were pulling back into the drive way. She couldn't go. She decided that she was going to try something else.

I remember in high school, my senior year, we had moved an hour away from my high school and I had to go on independent studies to take care of her after her knee replacement. She had Vicodin to help with the pain, and I had to give them to her. I was the designated pharmacist when my dad was gone because we couldn't trust her with them.

I also remember when she had finally gotten off of them my summer home after freshmen year, and I had gotten my wisdom teeth out. The doctor was going to give me a prescription for Vicodin to help with my pain, I had to tell her no in front of my mother because I didn't want it in my house. I took the Motrin. 

All of my life my mother has struggled. And it's breaking my heart. I'm not saying that I don't want to help, but no daughter should have to help her parent with their addictions. 

I've wanted God to heal my mom for so long. But I think my mom just needs to see that He can.

I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.

You see, I used to do this thing.

I'm sure that everyone has done it.

Sometimes when there are people we want to impress, we change things about ourselves.

We tell little fibs, or we take on interests that weren't actually our interests a day before. 

We joke more intensely. We do pretty much everything more intensely just so that person will notice.

I did this a lot in high school. 

I remember being at my friends house and I liked his younger brother, who just happened to like heavier music. 

I however, still listened to Avril Lavigne and had Switchfoot on repeat.

When I found out he liked that type of music, I went home and downloaded all of the Thousand Foot Krutch that my brother had. Because to me that was heavy music. (So Dumb).

Then whenever we would go hangout at that house and go swimming I would bring my iPod along for after and then listen to it obnoxiously loud so maybe he would hear, I think I'm still paying for that.

I also started disliking country because someone I liked hated it.

Then I started liking country again when I liked someone here at Life my sophomore year. 

You see, I don't necessarily regret those things, because I got introduced to some really great music. 

But it's when I see myself start to act different, or more intense. Or even louder because I desperately want them to notice me. 

I realize this. And I'm seriously pissed off at myself. 

For so long I have changed the things I say or do, or like, all because of someone else.

Who were they going to fall for? Because it sure as heck wasn't me. 

This person with random interests and stupid jokes and terrible taste (that I can see now) is not someone I would want to fall for, so why do I expect to have someone fall for me, when it's not me? 

This is why I've made up my mind

See, I no longer want to be this girl who has a different personality, or different set of interests every few weeks. 

I don't want to be this girl who is afraid to share her own taste with the world. 

I don't want to live in fear of being rejected by people.

I am no longer the person who is so easily swayed by other people's opinions, or interests. 

So yeah, I like Avril Lavigne. I like Thousand Foot Krutch, I like some country music. I like so many things that I am not going to stop liking because some guy doesn't like them. I also don't like certain things, and it's going to stay that way. 

I was made to be a kind, loving, and compassionate woman. That is who I want to be. You know. With her share of sarcastic remarks and jokes about hating children. 

My God made me a unique person. I have a heart that, is yes easily hurt, but it beats for one reason. To praise Him who made me. And to praise Him the way He made me. 

So, I won't change for anyone, other than the one who created me.

Waiting on You

Tonight I realized something. 

After a couple of minutes driving around (it's how I think), i thought about all of my past relationships and crushes. 

Now I know I've been writing a lot about crushes lately, I mean, I guess you can tell what's on my mind. 

But anyways, back to tonight. 

I realized that I'm basically waiting around. Now, that's not a big deal. But it is. Especially when I kind of already know what I'm waiting to hear. "I think you're cool," "I like you as a friend," "I don't even like you as a friend and never want to see you again," etc. 

But why do I keep waiting then? If I truly knew that those words were the one's I've been waiting to hear for the past few weeks, why can't I just move on now? 

I. Don't. Know. 

Maybe it's because deep down... deep deep down... I'm hoping that this case is different than the others. That I've waited long enough and finally this one crush is going to be the one that actually turns into something. 

Maybe I'm just scared. Actually, that's a fact, there is no maybe. I am scared to death. Wanna know why? Because I don't want to ruin things and lose a cool friend. I guess there's always been that.

As I try to dig deep down into the pit of all my feelings I can't help but wish that he would pull me aside and ask.

Honestly, that is the only way I can really see myself getting out of this one.

I can't even get up the courage to talk about telling him I have a crush on him, let alone having to go up to him and say "hey, can I talk to you for a second...alone." There is no way you can say that to someone without it immediately being assumed that you are going to "talk."

I am scared. To lose a friend. But also to lose two friends.

Who actually likes being the best friend to the one that everyone likes? I didn't. I still don't.

I don't want people to see me differently. I want things to stay the same. Except that I don't. I want them to change only if it's the outcome I want. How stupid is that?

I am so stupid.

I'm literally sitting here typing into a computer because I am such a coward that I can't just buck up and talk to him.

Very coward. Such stupid.

Okay. But if there is some chance that the person I'm talking about is reading this. And he knows. Please just talk to me. I'm sorry I'm a wimp.  

What Happens When I Fall For You?

As I sit here this morning, a couple of things have been running through my head. One of them, you. The other, me.

You see, lately I've been feeling as though I can't say this. I won't speak up because I'm truly afraid that I could ruin everything.

So I decided to share with the world, what probably will happen when I "fall for you."

1. When I fall for you, I will go completely out of my way to see you. Not in a creepy, stand outside your window at night "out of my way," but a "hey, I think I'll go the long way to class so I can see you for two seconds" kind of way.

2. I tend to start caring way too much. When upsetting things happen to you, I empathize with you, but then somehow end up taking on the burden and in turn am also upset for the reasons you might be.

3. I'll care for you. If you needed something, I would try my best to make it happen. That's just who I am.

4. I'll find it hard to not smile at you... This could make it pretty obvious... But nevertheless, tis true. It's sometimes hard to make me smile non stop so, if you've done it, there are probably a few underlying factors as to why.

5. I'll write you a song. You won't know this, but I probably will have already. Cheesy as hell, and probably really terrible. But it's got chords and words and by some definition that makes it a song.

6. I'll attempt to distance myself from you physically. This is because somewhere deep down I will think I'm not good enough for you, so I will try to spare my heart the pain of hearing it from your lips.

7. I can't eat as much. Not won't (trust me), can't. Somehow this "falling for you thing" is the only thing to turn me away from copious amounts of food.

8. I might try and drop hints in everyday conversation to try to get you to dig further. You may feel like you would be prying by asking, but i've dropped those hints on purpose so that you can.

9. I will start trying to get to know your interests. Not take them on as my own, but at least learn what you like and have an appreciation for it.

and lastly

10. I will finally come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that I can go on unless I tell you that I have fallen for you. This will probably come as a surprise to you, seeing as these hints aren't really obvious at all. Not to most men at least. So you probably won't even know that I have feelings for you.

I'm sure there are many more subtle things in my actions and words that could give it away, but then again, would you notice?

Why do they call them crushes?

When you have a "crush" on someone, it just means you like them right?So why is liking someone described as a crush? Let me say....

I see you across the hall and I wish you'd see me. A crumpled little heart inside a girl who has only tried to be pleasing. Those things they say take over the stomach? What are they Butterflies? If that's what these are than I don't know why I'm not high in the sky. When you talk to me I feel the coldness melt. Shards of ice, to the ground these pieces pelt. The hardness cracks and falls, a deconstruction of all my built up walls. You see, now that I understand why. They call them crushes because the high. You feel so happy, giddy if you will. But it's the moment when you realize that none of its real. You asked me a simple question, so much different than the others. It seemed so sincere, I know you're a good guy, I've seen your true colors. As much as I wish that you'd write me a sonnet. I can't get passed the feeling, I'm not being honest. If I was being honest, I'd tell myself no. I'd tell myself that I'm being stupid and that I have to know. This isn't going to work out how you think. So I lay here, in the darkness, dreading to fall asleep. I know that I can't dream of you. You aren't mine to dream of. But as I close my eyes to sleep, I will know why they call it "crush"

Me?

Part of me wonders if I'll ever have love.Now, if you read my post about the famous three words being overused, you probably know that I have a hard time using those words lightly. "I Love You" has always been special to me. Tonight a friend told me they loved me, and I sort of made some noise back...I still can't bring myself to say it. I walked next to her and wondered if I could ever actually say those words to a man and mean them. It seems like some foreign thing to me. Yes, I've never had a boyfriend so I wouldn't understand. So I think to myself, how will I know when I love him? What is love? I think I've kind of figured it out, for me anyways. Love for me is caring deeply for and about someone. Love is knowing their past and even who they are now and accepting it, yes, but choosing to say "I love you in spite of this." Love is being up front, honest and forward with your feelings. Love is choosing to be with someone because of their uniqueness, not the things that make them comparable to other people. I can't wait for the day when I finally realize that I am in love with someone, and love them just for who they are. And I can only hope that they will love me for me.

Subconscious Check

They say that when we dream about certain things that it's our "subconscious trying to tell us something."

I have always somewhat believed that, except for my David dream, because I never felt like I had seen this person before.

But anyways, last night I had a weird dream.

My roommate was in it, our friend Michael (MOberle), and then the person that i've had a pretty steady crush on the past few weeks. 

In this dream we were in a school gym, or at least it had the vibe of a school gym. 

We were all hanging out in a little group and then something obnoxiously loud happened in the background. 

Then my roommate said, "when Michelle kisses someone I'm going to do that and embarrass her!" She's referring to the loud noises and screaming. 

Both the guys laugh and then Sara and I share a look and the guys ask what. 

I explain to them that, "I've never kissed anyone, that's why she would be making a big deal about it."

Then the guy I have a crush on says, "Well if your looking for someone to kiss..." 

Yeah, I know right. He's basically offering to be my first kiss. 

And what do I do? 

"Oh, nah..." I said a little unsure. 

And then realizing what I have done as he begins to back down, I go to say "well..." 

And then my alarm goes off and wakes me out of this dream where I make a complete idiot of myself. 

What the heck?!?!

Was my subconscious trying to tell me something? 

In the past i've been a little nonchalant about it, and sometimes I really just want to get it over with. 

Somehow my first kiss and my first boyfriend/relationship have become synonymous. 

They should be, I think. 

I don't want to go around kissing guys that I'm not going to date. 

But this dream, it completely threw me. Even in my dream I held to the fact that I really don't want to kiss someone just to kiss someone. 

It was a reassurance that I've been waiting for a reason. 

I have shared so many other things with people that should have waited. 

But this, this truly must wait. 

It's the last thing I have left to give. And I'm going to make it worth it. 

What Made Me This Way?

I don't know what made me this way.I don't know why I get defensive, insecure, and internally upset. I knew they weren't serious, but here I am upset and feeling ganged up on. I made the right choice for me. I will not apologize for that. I think we get so caught up in caring what people think. That we allow ourselves to be defined by their reactions to the things we do. Why do I always say "me neither" when I ask someone if they like something I like? Why do I need to explain the things I love to people? I love it. Get over it. Why do I need to explain to people why I make the choices I make? That's right, I don't. So why am I laying here wondering why it matters so much? Why am I upset that people ganged up on me? Because they are people that matter to me. Sometimes we have to suck it up. Sometimes we endure stupid things because deep down we truly love these people. But does that mean we need to take in every negative thing they say? No. Does that mean we need to feel terrible for making a choice that's good for us? No. In a quote from a friend, "I'm allowed." So what do I say about people's negative reactions to what's best for you? Just don't give a damn.

How Can I Not?

Something that I have always had a hard time accepting. That God loves me. 

That he has always loved me. And that he will never fail to love me in the future. 

I have a hard enough time believing that he loves me. 

Someone who made me. 

I believe that my parents love me. 

I believe that most of my friends love me. 

But I can't believe that my own creator loves me. 

I'm stupid. Let's just leave it at that. 

Because how can I not believe that God loves me? 

God made my every cell, everything in my body. He made my heart the way it is for a reason. 

How can I not believe that he loves me, when he gave his only son to come and die to save us? 

How can I not believe that he loves me, when I have countless times made it through rough times with only him to thank. 

If I didn't believe in God, I don't think I could ever believe that anyone loved me or loves me. 

How can I not know without a doubt that God loves me? 

It's like I do know. But it's hard to accept it. 

Because I'm so dirty. Broken. Scared. Hopeless. Disgustingly Unfaithful. 

How could God love that? 

And yet, he does. 

I just need to accept it. 

And all he asks in return? 

That I love him. 

How can I not? 

Rejection and the Confidence From a Shaken Hand

When I was in high school I had this fear. I still have this fear, but I had it in high school too. 

It's called the fear of rejection. 

Heard of it? 

Well, I was run by it. 

I used to think that people wouldn't like me because of how I looked. I still sometimes think this. 

It was times like when people would hug me, or shake my hand that it would seem more evident. I didn't think people even wanted to touch me, because deep down I felt that people didn't think I was worthy enough to touch, or even hug. I felt that people would be disgusted with me. I wasn't good enough for their "good" hugs, and their "real" handshakes, just their "i'm doing this because I did it to everyone else gestures."

I could see how this mindset changed when I came to LIFE. I began hugging people. People were hugging me. I loved it. I loved "good" hugs. Giving them and receiving them. It seemed that those insecurities somewhat melted away a bit. 

However, until today I didn't realize how much I really wanted the intentional. I wanted someone to be intentional with me. 

Today I introduced myself to a new student. Let me just tell you that this was a great moment today. A very great moment, and you can't rain on my parade. 

I said, "Hey I'm Michelle" and he told me his name, and I kid you not, he shook my hand. Not one of those "I have to do this because you just introduced yourself" or the limp hand, dead fish handshakes. He was intentional and he gave me a firm handshake. 

Let me tell you. All day i walked around with confidence because a man was intentional enough to shake my hand like a real person should. 

People, be intentional with others, you never know how appreciated it might be. 

1261

A number that will always mean the world to me. 

The address of my first real home. 

But that was many, many moons ago. 

From the ages six to seventeen I lived at this moderately sized house of miracles and fun. 

This house was where my worsts took place. 

But it is also the home of many of the bests. 

This house was the place where I learned guitar. 

It is also the place where I hid in my closet and sang to myself trying to be quiet while my parents stood "quietly" outside the door. 

This home was modest, but there was a huge backyard to run around and play. 

A yard big enough so my brother and I could tie a rope to our belt loops and run in opposite directions. (Don't try this). 

It was a safe haven. 

It was a place where I could go home and relax. 

The minute I would walk in the front door and shut it, I would hear the squeak from it's ancient hinges and I knew I was home. 

I would throw down my bags and I would walk to the living room and sit on the couch and take a breath. mmm. Home. 

Home was this house. 

After being ripped from the only safe place I ever knew, it's been hard to get back to that place. That place where I could go and relax, and know that I was home.

Being here at school has changed for me. It doesn't feel like home anymore. It just feels like a pitstop on the way to home. But being the age I am, I don't really know what home means anymore. Is it a place? Or is it a state of mind? Being content? I don't know. 

All i know is I feel anxious. I feel like I need to know where home is. Where I will reside. Where I will feel at home. I hate not knowing. 

I don't want to just follow people on their dreams. But I also don't want to go home and deny that I have any. I want dreams. I also want to have the courage to follow them. To follow them all the way until i finally feel at home. 

After so many years up being ripped up and out, I have been resistant to drop roots anywhere. I need a home. Not one that I have followed someone to. But something that is my own. I want my own 1261. 

Friends

Last night I had the privilege to go out ice skating with a few of my friends and then a bunch of other people that I have never met before.

As we tried our best in balancing and not falling on our butts we not only bonded further, but I got to meet and laugh with people that I didn’t even know.

Now if you know me at all, you know that this is a great success, seeing as i’m an introvert and don’t say much when i’ve just met people.

I went in to this night thinking it could be awkward, but it ended up being a really fun night. One of many to come I hope.

I think that as i’ve grown older, i’ve grown more comfortable with myself and who I am and know that it’s okay to be who I am right away. That I don’t have to ease people into getting to know me. That i should just be myself right away, and if they like me they like me, if they don’t, well, their loss.

I’m not conceited, but i’ve become more confident.

I know that I try my hardest to be a good friend, and to have somewhat good morals. I know that I want to be there for people and to laugh with people and make people feel good about themselves. Who wouldn’t want a friend like that?

This picture is of my roommate (on left) and I (on right) at a dance our school calls “social.” This woman is one of my best friends. Someone who knows me, and laughs with me, and laughs at me. She’s there when I need her and she is cute as hell. I’m glad that she is my friend and that she allows me to be these things with her as well.

Friends are people who allow each other to be who they are, all of who they are, without judgment, laughter maybe, but not judgment.

I enjoy these friendships and I know now that they are something that I need to appreciate more.

My Spare Key

The past few years, i've opened up my car to different people. 

I let them borrow it, as long as they promise not to drive like me. 

Last year, I made the decision to let my roommate have my spare car key. So that if she needed to use my car she could text me and then go ahead and borrow it. When we parted ways for the summer I took it back. 

This year, I gave my spare key to one of my best friends. Just about an hour ago this friend moved out and went home after having achieved her degree. When she left I had to get my spare key back. Now this goodbye was harder than any other goodbye.

It's hard going from a person having your spare key, to them not having it but also them being a whole state away. 

It took me almost two years to even feel comfortable allowing someone to have my spare key. Have as in it's constantly on their key ring. Not a borrowing of the key, but a possession of it. 

Sometimes this is like how I am with my heart. It takes a while for me to get to the point where i'm okay giving my heart to people, or letting them see it at least. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I've prided myself on being the strong one (in public at least). If I cry in front of you, you have seen my heart. This friend had seen my heart. 

I've gotten to the point where sometimes it doesn't seem worth it letting people see my heart. It doesn't seem worth it to let people in and have them just leave and then my heart be exposed. 

I think this is why I don't let people see who I really am until I feel safe, until i feel that they wont hurt me, or expose me. Living like that may shelter my heart, but it definitely doesn't give room for people to get to know me. Sometimes I don't even try. 

It's crazy because i'm harder on myself than anyone else would be. I know that now. I know that the reason I don't let people see my heart is because sometimes I don't think i'm worth it, or that i'm too broken or weird to ever be accepted fully. So that's why when I finally trust people with my heart I expect them "not to drive like me." Because if people treated my heart the way I treat it, it wouldn't survive. 

Maybe one day i'll be able to allow someone access to my heart and not have to think "don't treat it like I do..."

As of today, my spare key hangs next to it's twin on my key ring, and waits for another home. Maybe a comforting home. Maybe a permanent home. 

I don't know what this home may be like, all I know is that I won't have to tell them not to drive like me. They'll just know. 

Climbing the mountain out of the valley.

Today i had a conversation with one of my best friends about our schooling and how we have changed so much since our first year here. 

I used to be this shy girl who was really quiet and never spoke up for herself. 

Now i'm this loud woman who laughs hysterically, and makes sure that my voice is heard. Most of the time. 

I came here hoping to be turned into a worship leader, and every door was shut on that dream for three years, and now doors have been opened for me to pursue it and it seems as though i don't really even want it anymore. 

I came here intending to find something, someone maybe, to take me away from home and now i'm determined to return to my hometown and be there to see my nephew grow up. 

I came here knowing no one, and now i have to say goodbye some best friends as they leave to go across the country, to embark on marriage, or even to just go and start their ministry. 

This past year i have had these friends pour into me and encourage me, and embrace me, and protect me. And now they are leaving. 

They are leaving in this time where i'm not even sure what i want anymore. These two best friends have been the ones to help me out of my ruts, and my dark places. 

And i'm in a rut now. I have no clue what i'm doing with my life. I don't feel passionate about anything at this point and I don't want to do anything more. 

I think that i'm ready though. It always gets to this point, where it's hard to even continue. To move along. 

But i think these three and a half years with friends and God to pull me through and change me and grow me, i think i can make it. I think that with just God i can climb out of this rut, out of this valley that has lasted so long. 

I think that i can do it on my own now. I think that these friends have been so good to me and blessed me so much that now it's my turn. It's my turn to be that blessing to other people. It's my turn to lend my hand in helping people through. It's my turn to finally reach out, go out, and be with people. 

So, as i say goodbye to my dear friends, i'm climbing this mountain out of the valley, and i think i can begin to see the other side. 

Execution.

"Michelle," he told me, "we both knew that wasn't gonna happen."After joking about marrying someone, you don't want to hear this, even if you are seriously joking. This happened to me two years ago, and to be honest I still feel that sting every time I see or talk to him. Our friendship pretty much dwindled after that and now we barely speak. Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop at my school with three engaged couples, and him. He and I were the only single people there. The two couples were joking about all of them being engaged and how him and I should get married. And then he proceeded to tell me "come on Michelle, we're already here." And I just looked at him and said nothing. Because saying nothing was all I could do. I wanted deep down to remark "oh, we both knew that wasn't going to happen." But for some reason, no matter how hurt I was from two years ago, I couldn't execute the comeback that had haunted me since that day. Maybe it's the fact that I understand hurt far too well to inflict it purposefully on anyone else. Or maybe it's just in this situation, and the fact that I couldn't do what he did. I couldn't say what he said to me. Countless times in my life, I've gotten the opportunity to act a certain way or say a certain thing that someone has done to me first and I can't execute it. I just can't. Maybe it's just that I know revenge doesn't feel really great, or maybe it's just that I love certain people too much to return their acts or sayings back to them. All I know is that taking on a lot of hurt and loneliness without being able to get rid of it, has haunted me since I was a child. But maybe that's okay, as long as I choose to give people joy and hope rather than hurt and destruction.

The Three Words That Lose Their Meaning

Lately i've been struggling with three things. 

And those three things happen to profess the one feeling i've never felt for someone special. 

The words I, Love, and You have this strange meaning when they are all strung together. All by their lonesome they are just words, but put together in the right order and you get a love professed. 

I've never loved a man. At least i don't think i have. Not yet anyways. 

I love my friends. I love my family. I love movies. I love a lot of things. But sometimes saying it just doesn't seem right. 

Countless times friends have said "i love you" to me, and out of habit i say " i love you too." 

It's not that i don't love them, or that it's annoying to say. But i feel like the more i say it to others, the more it loses it's meaning. When i finally get to a place where i can string those meaningless words together and utter them with full confidence and feeling to the man i've been waiting my whole life for, i want it to mean everything. 

I remember when i had my first and only boyfriend (of only a day) and he said "i love you" to me three hours after we starting "going out." This is not love. And it wasn't love when i typed them back to him right after. It was a response. It was automatic. 

Saying "i love you" shouldn't be automatic. Or a way to ease the pain of an insult. Saying "i love you" should be a way of telling a person that you care for them deeply, that they are a friend or someone special in your life. "I love you" is not a way to get what you want, it is a way to express how you truly feel about a person; you love them.

When i say these words i usually mean them, but even in my life it has become an automatic response. "I just love you!" -They will say, and i will just reply "i love you too." At those moments, i don't even really think about it, i just say it. It doesn't take away the fact that i do feel those things. But i need to be more intentional about it.

God gave us His love, and He gave us the ability to love others. Lets not take it for granted by speaking empty words, but let us mean love when we speak them, and not just respond out of habit. All i know is that in my life, i really don't want those words to lose their meaning.

To move...or not to?

So, today was a big tornado of happiness, confusion, and hope. 

I walked up into my quad after my three hour class and set my stuff down in my room, and i hear from my quadmates room, "Hey Michelle! Do you want to move into an apartment?" Um Yes! Was my reaction in my mind. 

It took me so off guard that i legitimately couldn't answer for a few minutes. I was so stuck on the idea of how cool it would be. I was walking about my room trying to clean up, and i couldn't get it off my mind. Could i do it? 

So i walked into her room and sat down and we started talking about it. I said that i wasn't leaving my roommate so she'd have to come, and obviously that was okay with her. 

We talked prices, and pros and cons and it started weeding it's way into my mind and heart, this idea of moving out and living in an apartment that i could call home. But we've tried this before and it didn't work out. 

Last year my roommate and I were going to get an apartment with my now roommate and another friend. It didn't end up working out, and guess what? Neither of those girls came back to school anyways. Can you say dodged a bullet? Yeah, i thought so. 

But this is different. I'm six months from graduating. Then i can leave. If i want. 

This would be a big step, and it could propel me into legitimate adulthood, instead of putting all my weight on this college that's felt more like a bubble than anything. I think i need to do it. 

I need to move. I need to take this next step into my adult life. This could be a domino effect that throws me into real life. 

It's exciting, and scary, and it's growing up. So i'm going to do it. I'm going to take the step, and i'm going to move. 

If my finances allow for it, and the pros outweigh the cons which they have so far, i'm going to move into an apartment and have my own apartment by the end of the month. 

This is crazy.

But i'm doing it. I'm so excited! 

There is one thing I have noticed

Through reading other blogs.Through self discovery and fighting to stay true to myself. Hoping in my dreams and loving those around me. Forcing honesty to seep through my pores. Self improvement and self love. I have noticed one thing. I have a hope, That my time will come. I just have to be patient. I have to work at it with everything that is within me. And eventually it will be here. Eventually my time will come.