Friend

As I stood and watched you walk away, my mouth held in the words that you needed to hear. 

I couldn’t bring myself to say them. 

Maybe because they would be lost in the wind, or maybe among the people placed between us. 

Could it be that you can’t hear them anymore? The words that are meant to lift up. 

You are so far down in the cave of negativity, rejected from all the things you ever wanted. 

How are you still here? 

So much darkness and yet you hold your small candle still, lighting the way. 

You stay on the path before you and you’ve never allowed the obstacles to trip you. 

You are a friend. An amazing person who has gone through so much and yet is still here fighting. 

You are fighting for love, and God, and hope, and I will forever admire you for who you are right now. 

The Moment When It All Comes Into Focus

Lately I've been searching for that moment of clarity. 

The moment that my whole life will somehow come into focus and I could make a choice on what my future would entail.

However, that moment never came. 

I just graduated from college and I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. 

I am running out of money, time and unfortunately motivation.

I've applied at so many jobs that it seems like I'm just going through the motions waiting for some company to throw me a bone. 

If there is one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm scared to put myself out there. 

I know I need to go to businesses and show them my face and my interest in their company.

But it scares me. I'm an introvert. I suck at small talk. And somehow I can make a simple encounter the most awkward occurrence you could ever be so blessed to take part in.

So. No job for me. Not yet anyways. 

After school I had decided to stick around town and try to make it work here. I had a place to stay for the summer and if I could get a job, God willing, I could save and move in with a bunch of other girls so we could afford one apartment. 

It's been about a month and a half. No such luck. 

I broke down on Saturday. I think it was needed. I never take break downs as a bad thing, if I did I would be beating myself up for having them almost every few weeks. 

You see, I've been trying to fit myself into this mold. This mold of having everything together, and having a good job right off the bat and knowing exactly what I want to be doing with my life. But that's not me. 

I recently read this article that stated something about figuring out your calling and how it sometimes takes time and preparation before you can actually get out there and do it. The article also said that sometimes people who don't know their calling jump on to other peoples. I can say from personal experience that this doesn't end very well. 

Every since I was a kid I would do this. I would jump on to other people's dreams, or plans. My friend wanted to play flute in band and I wanted to continue hanging out with her so what did I do? I picked up the flute. One of my best friends said she wanted to move to Portland after she graduated so we both went on a road trip to Portland to see how we liked it, I don't think it's for me. I know I'm not cut out for certain things, like backpacking, or being a missionary. 

I keep trying to push myself into these plans that weren't made for me, they were made for those other people I see thriving in them. 

The one thing that has always been all me is music. I have always written songs, and played guitar and sang. I have always wanted to be a rockstar. That's my dream. To go play low key shows and to sing my heart out. But I need to prepare. That's the thing. I need to prepare for it all. 

This week I found out my sister-in-law is pregnant again and I am going to be an auntie again. So much joy has been brought to me by just being an aunt and seeing my nephew grow taller and cuter (if that's even possible). Now that I know I can be a more permanent part of it that makes me happy. I can go home and be in my nephew's life and my whole family's life. I don't have to pick up and go back to school. My stay could be indefinite. 

I've told so many people that I was going to try and stick around, but I think I was just scared of going home and getting stuck. It's so easy to get stuck in Hollister. 

My parent's want me home. And I'm running out of reasons to not go back home. 

When I got the text telling me that my sister-in-law was pregnant again and the baby was healthy, that was the moment where everything shot into focus. I love my family. I love my family with all my being and I want to be there with them. 

I can do music anywhere. But my family is in Hollister. 

So maybe I go home. I go home and practice my music, and write more, and improve and PREPARE. Prepare for the day that I can finally go up on a stage and sing my heart out. Going home can maybe be my time of preparation. Maybe. 

Old Hopes

The other day I had the privilege to play a few worship songs with a guy friend from my church. 

One of the worship songs just happened to be an old favorite that used to have so much significance back in high school. 

I remember telling my friends that I would know that I had met the man I was supposed to marry, when he sang this song. 

Obviously with the exclusion of married men, people I actually didn't like, and basically anyone who wasn't the person I had a crush on at that time. 

Only this past week did I remember that I had ever said that. Now it seems completely ridiculous. 

It seemed completely ridiculous that I would place that big of a decision on one of the most played worship songs of that time. 

I think that it was more of a way of excluding people than hoping for the one. At that time I also thought that I would be marrying someone exactly like me, a worship leader. Well, I realize now that I really won't know until I know. 

I've heard stories of people saying, "I'll know it's him when..." or "He's going to do this..." etc, and those things actually happening and them meeting the man of their dreams. 

I remember an old friend saying that she would know that it would be him because it would be written in the sky with spaghetti (she was younger when she said this). Well, sure enough when she got into a serious relationship he wrote out a marriage proposal with spaghetti on plastic wrap and held it above her so that she could see the sky behind it. How cute/cheesy is that?!

It's things like these that give me the slightest bit of hope.

For me it was a song, or the fact that he wouldn't have kissed anyone yet, or the fact that we would just know.

I think that I've found better tells. You know, not the superficial ones like they have to be a worship leader, or know how to cook, or have this and have that, but the deeper more important things. 

Like maybe him being passionate about what God has placed in his life. That he won't be someone to take things for granted, like my friendship. That he'll actually be encouraging of my growth and challenge me to be in healthy relationships and fight for myself, because I never fight for myself. He'll set up boundaries, even in our friendship, so that we continue to have a healthy relationship. 

There are so many things that should tell you if someone is the right person for you, and it's not if they sing a worship song that you like and probably will forget about later. 

The person you should be with is the person who makes you want to be a better person by just being the person they are. They aren't forcing change, they are challenging you to it by their very being. 

So I'm not going to meet my husband by him singing Hungry at a worship service. If anything I probably won't know it's him until three years into our very best-friendship. 

I'm not saying that those little things you hope for won't happen, but having those lists and the little scenarios played out in your head gives way for exclusions of some pretty great people that you could have had a chance with. 

Women in Ministry Not Women's Ministry

When I was growing up my parents taught me a lot of things. However, the most important thing I can remember learning from them was that everyone was created equal. Everyone was created equal, and this meant that I grew up believing specifically that men and women were equal. I was raised to believe that being a woman didn't disqualify me from anything, as long as I set my mind on something I could achieve it. And my brother was also raised to believe that he could achieve anything he set his mind on. 

My church had a very heavy hand in this belief as well.

The church I was raised in was a foursquare church, so obviously I grew up believing that women in ministry wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Much to my surprise that when I began attending Life Pacific College I found out that our denomination was one of the only ones that actually believed in women in ministry, who knew? Let's just say that it was a huge change to attend LIFE where women in ministry was mentioned in every class and I came from a place where it was just ministry. It was hard to grasp that people actually believed that women shouldn't be leading in the church, let alone talking, with the exception of women's ministry of course. Because only women can lead women. 

This Sunday, Pastor Scott busted the myth that women shouldn't speak up in church. By taking one of the most commonly misinterpreted passages where people find the fuel for their arguments against women in ministry, and tearing it apart. 

By taking 1 Timothy 2:8-15 and bringing in background and the context of the letter as a whole we see that Paul isn't telling Timothy that women can't be involved in ministry or speak up in the church. But rather Paul is encouraging the women to learn in quietness and submission (to their teachers). Rather than spreading false teachings, Paul wants the women to learn the truth first before speaking up in the church. 

Ironically, I never argued people on this issue.

Yes, I believed that women should not only be allowed in ministry, but encouraged in it. However, I never knew the facts. I never took the time to actually read through it and figure out the truth about what Paul was saying. Because I didn't know the truth behind the text, I never put myself in a position to debate on it because I wouldn't have been able to back it up. 

I think this is what Paul was trying to avoid. 

He didn't want to silence the women in the church, he wanted to make sure that when the women weren't silent, what they were speaking was the truth.

I wonder what Paul would do today if he knew that the correction he gave Timothy for the false teachings was now being taught about falsely. 

I know what I want

Each day you don't give me a sign that there could be something here, is a day that I give in.I give in to the settling. I give in to the feelings of being wanted even if they aren't reciprocated. Each day that is lost is a day I wish I could get back and do things differently. I wish that I could have not said anything to make you feel less than who you are. I wish that I wouldn't bother you as much or that at least that I would say things that are meaningful. I really don't know what's going on with me. All I know is that I know who I want, and it's you. But there's another who actually shows interest. Who, yes bothers me sometimes, but they talk to me and make me feel as though they care. I know deep down that I can never give in to that and that I have to fight for the things in life that I truly want and I can't settle for something that's good enough. I know what I want.

Against the Clock

I feel as though I'm running against the clock.I'm trying to rush it. I'm trying to make you know me as quickly as possible so that there's more time left for other things. I think that if you truly could see all of me that you would see my heart and possibly see what it feels for you. I smile when I look at you, but I force myself to look away as to not seem too interested. I won't lie. The first time I ever encountered you I couldn't stop staring at your mouth. It wasn't obvious. Hopefully. But I just watched it, as word after word poured out. I wanted them to never stop. I didn't want the moment to end because I knew it wouldn't be the same again. Then that night came along. And it was more than anything I could have ever asked for. And it was all over in time that was to quick to grasp. I wanted more time. I wanted to stay. I wanted to make every moment last. Another minute. Another fact. Another second. Another inside joke made and therefore more to have in common. Another day goes by and I sit waiting for more opportunities. It seems as though they are slipping away. I'm trying. I want more moments with you. Even if they don't amount to anything more than friendship. I want to know you sir. And I want you to know me. At this point. I can't ask for anything more. So as I race against the clock. I will try to make every moment with you count.

Sitting With You

Hey you, 

I'm sitting in the Loop working on homework. It's times like these, in the early morning, where I wish the most. I wish that you were here and I wish that you would draw circles on my hand underneath the table while we pretend we're actually getting homework done.

I wish that you would show up and I would have your coffee already, and you would kiss me on the top of my head as your greeting. I wish that we could face the harshness of morning together because at least we have each other. 

I wish, oh I wish. 

Forever Best Friend

It's getting to that point in my life where it's more evident that certain friendships wont last. 

I'm almost at the very end of my college career and after graduation everyone will disperse. 

I know people moving to different cities and states, doing the things they were born to do!

It's so exciting to see everyone following their dreams. 

I always end up stopping to think about myself in these times, I think of myself a lot actually. I'm an extremely selfish self absorbed person but I don't think people notice much because I'm not verbal about it. 

But anyways, I think about my dreams, and my life here at this wonderful college that has contributed to a significant amount of growth for me. 

I think of all the friendships that will probably fade away, and I think to the hopes that I have always had, the hopes that I would find someone here to be a forever best friend. 

I always wanted to meet someone, you know? The one. The one person I want to be with above all else. The one person who makes me feel safe, or reassured. The one person who can send me one small text saying "good morning" and immediately my day would be made. The person who would let me use their jacket and then "forget" to get it back from me. 

I wanted to meet someone who would be with me forever. The friendship that never truly ends. 

I wanted to meet someone that I never got tired of spending time with. I wanted to meet someone who makes me laugh until it literally feels as though I should have a six pack. I wanted someone who would go on drives with me and tease me and let me tease him right back. 

I'm an idealist. What can I say? 

I wanted to meet the man of my dreams. The man who was somewhat innocent and sweet and there for me. 

My time here was spent pining over guys that were never going to like me. I told God I wouldn't date my first year here because I wanted to be sure that finding a man wasn't the reason I chose to come to this school. Now i'm not so sure it wasn't the reason. My whole life I have wanted that person, why would it ever change, especially in college when everyone is around the same age and all trying to figure themselves out. Knowing that it would have happened in whatever school I chose is a little bit comforting though. 

But I got here and no joke, a month later I started talking to someone. He seemed like a really cool guy and like he loved Jesus. We ended up having a DTR that took place at the most popular DTR spot, the "foursquares." I told him I liked him and then asked if he liked me and he said yes. But because I wasn't dating anyone for a year that was it. We hung out all the time still, walking the lines of friendship and dating. He would text me good morning, and he let me use his jacket and I left it next to my pillow and it smelled like him. I let him drive my truck, which that itself was me being vulnerable. I would grab at the rubber band on his wrist to snap it because I knew he would grab my hand and try to make me stop. Then we would sit there for a few seconds and let go. It was in those little moments where I could feel the butterflies the most. I realized a few weeks in to whatever the hell that was, that he wasn't the person I thought he was. I told him that I only liked him as a friend and the same day he told me he was dropping out and going home. A few weeks later I saw him change his religion on Facebook to Atheist. Dodged a bullet? Yeah I think so. 

But you see, that was the only thing I ever had that was close to a relationship, or close to what I wanted. 

Don't get me wrong, I have friends. I have wonderful friends who are beautiful and kind and hilarious. They are there for me and I try my hardest to be there for them too. But once your friends get their "someones" and decide that they want to make those "someones" their forever best friends, there isn't much room left for you. You get to attend the parties and toast to a wonderful couple and then you send them off saying goodbye to a little bit of that friendship you will never get back. And that's life. 

I wanted to find my forever best friend here. The one person who I could be completely honest to. The one person who would call me out when I need it, or comfort me when I need it. The person who would love me for me and think that i'm hilarious even when my jokes or stories fall short of even a pity laugh. The person would be sweet enough to want to pay for the tickets even though I asked. The person who would truly understand me. 

I think all I've ever wanted was for someone to understand me. To see me for who I am. I want someone to look at my expression and know what it means. I want someone to ask me if i'm okay and it not piss me off. Only one person has ever succeeded at this. 

I wanted the person who would think of me as more than just someone they saw around campus. More than just the girl who would say hi in passing. I wanted that friendship, with the jokes, and the laughter, and the slowly falling for one another. You know the slowly, but then all at once stuff. I wanted to build a friendship and then it turn into more. I wanted something that would last longer than the four years of college. I wanted something that wouldn't disappear the second we walk across the stage and flip our tassels. 

I wanted my forever best friend. But wanting something so bad it hurts still doesn't make it show up any faster than it's perfect timing. 

I wanted my forever best friend. I will always want my forever best friend. That longing will never go away. I am convinced that the anticipation is killing me. But it will never diminish the joy I will feel when I can look at the people I love on that day, the day I make my best friend my forever best friend, and tell them that he was worth the waiting. 

The Head and The Heart

She had been dwelling on what had happened. 

She was so excited and she felt so special, but I told her that it wasn't a good idea.

She would run crazy if I didn't pull her back to reality. She's always so hung up on the ideas and on just going for it, but what about being practical? That's my responsibility in her life. I try my best to make her think about what she's doing. To weigh the pros and cons, or to even just analyze something first.

I'll admit it, I get a little carried away sometimes though. Sometimes I force her to see all the negative things that could happen. It's like I need to make sure she knows what could happen. Even if it means overkill on analyzing the facts and not the underlying feelings. 

She pleads with me a lot to let up. She just wants to run free and have people follow her, but I can't allow for that. It's reckless and in all honesty, it's going to end up in her being broken. So I'm here to protect her from that. 

Here she is again, hung up on something that should have only been one night. One night that would end up as just memories. 

She's convinced that it should mean more than just memories. She's convinced that the actions and the things that were said meant more than just kindness or him being a gentleman. She was convinced, or at least she hoped that it was supposed to be more.

This has to be the thousandth time she has done this. She puts herself out there and then gets broken, and I have to pick up the pieces and use my knowledge of her to put them back together. It's been a good while since I've let her really go for it. Usually I shut it down right away in hopes that she will get over him quick. I sometimes have to plant a deceptive seed in her to overanalyze her worthiness. 

It's not that she isn't worthy, trust me, I know she is. 

But on the off chance that he doesn't feel the same as she does, I give her the thoughts and the mindset that he won't ever. 

I make her think that what she's doing is awkward, or bothersome, or a burden. Sometimes this causes her insecurities to come out. When her insecurities come out, she becomes anxious. And when she becomes anxious she is restless, and then in turn she sometimes get impulsive. When she's impulsive, things end quickly. 

It's a somewhat tough process, having to see her put herself out there, or try. I hate being the bearer of bad news, or the one who brings rain on her parade, but I'm the logical one. I will keep her safe from harm. If she would only let me. 

So I'm waiting. It's been a while since I let her go. I haven't seen her truly go for it and win in at least three years, but even then it had started too soon and ended quickly. 

I'm torn. I'm wearing down because, believe it or not it does get exhausting having to bring people down to logic when they are sitting so high on cloud nine. 

Maybe just this once I can let her lead her own life. Maybe just this once I'll let Heart lead. She's waited a long time for this.

But if this time doesn't work. If for some reason it's not what she originally hoped, she will be crushed. 

And I'll be there, to set up a new set of walls to hold her together again. 

Silence

I was in one of my classes this morning and like normal my mind was elsewhere. 

My teacher mentioned one thing and then off my mind goes on some other trail that ended with me thinking about the silence in the pauses a preacher makes. 

I thought about how those silences are sometimes awkward and I pictured the congregation awaiting patiently the words that would soon leave the preachers mouth. 

I thought of the type of preacher I would be. I think I would find comfort in the silence. It would be a type of pause for me to gather myself. I would want the congregation to be comfortable in the silence with me. 

I don't think a lot of people know this about me, but I like silence. 

Even if the silence is awkward, a lot of the time you will find me smiling through it. 

Silence is where I find solace.

I am an internal processor. Usually I only process things verbally after I have given it an extreme amount of thought. 

I like silence because it's soothing for me. 

I love music, and talking and watching movies. 

But there is something about sitting down with a book in silence and reading for hours on end. 

Something about just sitting there in silence. 

I like silence because it makes me feel alone. It helps me recharge. 

So as I sat there in my class wondering about what kind of preacher I would be, I sat silent, processing my thoughts. 

This, for me, is how it is. 

I like silence. 

I like solace.

I like myself this way. I'm comfortable with the silence, even if other people aren't.

How is it that I'm still cautious?

A few years back I was hurt pretty badly by a couple of my best friends. 

I was lied to, and my heart got broken.

I don't think they understood the deepness of the wounds or the severity. 

I forgave blindly because I knew it was what I was "supposed" to do. 

That and I'm sure I didn't want to cut them out of my life, I love them. 

However, since then I have been overly cautious. 

I don't trust as easily. And I definitely don't put myself out there like I once did. 

If I ever have a crush on someone and I find out they like one of my friends, I back off and let it go.

If I like someone and someone else shows interest in them, even if I barely know them, I'll back off and let them go for it.

You see, I'm not willing to be hurt again. I don't take many risks, I can't go for it. 

I'm hesitant, and stuck and yet still incredibly hopeful that something will happen even though I haven't given any indication that I want it to.

I'm too cautious. 

No risk no reward right? 

Isn't that what we're taught? 

Here I am scared to death that I'll be broken again. 

When I forgave the last time, I didn't give it enough time. I jumped right back into the friendship, still very wounded, and holding back the bitterness in my heart that was trying to escape in any situation. 

I wasn't okay with it. 

I wasn't okay with feeling betrayed. 

What if I put myself out there like that all the time? 

Wouldn't I be completely in pieces all of the time? 

Even now, I find myself holding back from even having a crush on someone because they remind me of the one person that I had to get over. The one person who was an accomplice in the breaking of my high school heart. 

How is it that I'm still cautious? 

Can my heart ever be completely healed from that? 

Can I ever take the risk again? 

With all due respect sir

You don't know me.You don't know what I'm thinking or what I feel. You can't see the hurt behind my smile. And you definitely can't see the compassion that floats just beneath the worried look that you think judges. I have been struck down, and I have been gasping for air above these waters. I have a mind that works nonstop except for the few glorious hours of silence I get from slumber. I over think. I think deeply. I think in connecting dots that circle through my mind. The strain from thoughts displayed by my eyebrows. No I can't hide my emotions that well on my ever revealing face. But at least I show emotion. At least I choose to smile and wave when people look at me. At least I offer kindness to those who are worried and hurt. At least I encourage when people are stressed. I don't strike people when they are down, and I definitely don't pretend to know them. So with all due respect, not that you actually deserve it, you don't know me.

Life

Life is crazy sometimes.Sometimes bad things happen, or you get hurt. But recently I've learned the differences between two things. Being hurt and being harmed. The world has harmed me countless times since my birth. But my God would never harm me. Sometimes he brings hurt in the change, and he means it for good. I know that this season of my life is just a season, and the hurt will subside. This change may hurt, but it is so much better than the harm it would have caused me to stay the same. My God would never harm me.

Sometimes something needs to happen to push you out of neutral

Have you ever just been completely stuck in some random place in your life and you seriously have no idea what you're going to do? 

It's like the negatives and positives of all the options you have weigh the same and you have to actually make the decision. 

Because it's not completely black and white on which option is best. 

This is me. All the time.

I don't know if I was actually ever going to say anything. But nevertheless that option is gone now. 

I could have spoken up and said something, but thinking about it now the timing was perfect.

You see I wouldn't have done anything to change where I was. I wouldn't have made the decision to drop it or bring it up.

I would have just stayed, stuck in neutral.

So this is good I think. The whole thing being ripped off of the table. 

This way all things are left in tact and not made awkward by my words or lack thereof. 

This next step is going to be hard, but I think I've decided that it will be worth it. 

I'm not in neutral anymore. I think that's what makes this okay. I think it's what makes me okay. 

I guess this is the something I needed. The something I prayed for. To throw me out of neutral. 

Time Spent

I realized on Thursday that I have spent a significant amount of time in hospitals. 

When I was a kid it was mainly me getting hurt and having to sit in the waiting room for hours. This could include anywhere from a sprained ankle and smashing my hand in the car door to almost cutting off my thumb with a Spaghetti O's can lid. 

A lot of hospital trips were for my mom and all her various health issues, a lot of surgeries and or emergency room trips in the middle of the night. 

When I got to high school it would be a mixture of going to the hospital to see people such as my youth pastor when she had a surgery, or gave birth, or when I had to sit next to her while her three year old sun got a spinal tap and she heard him screaming all the way from his room. 

Even now in college I've been to hospitals for appointments, or scares with friends. 

I don't know what it is, but I always seem to be there. I want to be there. 

Waiting for hours on end sucks, but knowing that you are there supporting the people you love is what makes it worth it. 

I couldn't tell you how many times I've been to the hospital with people who told me I didn't need to be there, or they apologize, or say that they don't want to be a burden. 

It's never been a burden. Not for me. I think deep down I just love them, so I want to be there, to know that they are safe, or at least have them feel safer because they have someone there for them. 

I can't think of the last time I went to the hospital for my own reasons. 

But I hope that when I end up having to go, that there will be people there with me, to make me feel safe, and not cold and alone in a place where I don't know or trust anyone. I want someone who will look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm not a burden and they aren't leaving. Someone who would even come with me and sit in the waiting room with me when a friend is getting checked out and I'm alone. It's nice to have those friends. It's nice to have people there for you. So that's why I always try to be. 

I Have Lived

Today while I was at work, I found myself yet again going through the motions as I started wiping down one of the counters. It's gets to the point where you are so good at something, you can keep doing it without thinking, forcing your mind to wander elsewhere.

For some reason, today, my mind decided to wander to "What would happen if I died right now?"

It's something I don't normally think of, mainly because I don't want to die.

However, I find that the biggest thing I fear is my future, because I have no idea what will happen.

Death seems easier to grasp at this moment. It's more concrete, and final. Whereas, my future, well, nothing is set in stone, and I am terrified that I'm going to screw it up.

So I continue with wiping down the counter and think of the life that I've lived. I've done some pretty cool things, none of which would count as extraordinary, mediocre at best, but cool at least.

I've made wonderful friends, terrible mistakes, and at least one or two really good comebacks. Okay, one.

If I could look at my life played back to me, I would probably see a sad story about a girl who struggled her whole life to try and fit in, be funny, pretty, skinny, etc. I would see the girl who has no life experience at all. Just someone who has been sheltered, spoiled, and complacent.

My life so far, is not something that I would consider worth living for.

I realize that my whole life so far has led up to the moment where I will walk across that stage and get my degree. But what happens after? I am so scared, because I don't know.

But you see, if I died right now, my dreams would die with me.

My dreams that have been put in my heart to reach out.

My dreams that will somehow lead me into my future, though I don't know how yet.

I want to make so many things of this life. I want people to know that God loves them.

I want people to see His light in anything I do.

I don't want life to be wasted. I want to look back on my life and be able to say that I have lived.

I am made for more than just the right now. God has a specific purpose for making me, and he's going to use me, wherever I go.

My future should not be something I'm scared about, but something I am excited for.

I get to bring glory to God and live my dreams.

I know that when the time comes I will be able to say "I have lived."

So I continued to wipe down the counters with a smile on my face, and a new hope for my future.

What's The Worst That Could Happen?

"Why don't you trust me?" He asked calmly. 

"I don't know." She answered back timidly. "I think I'm just afraid of what could happen if I give myself to you completely." 

She thought of before, when she was in high school and tried to trust other guys. She thought back to that desperate moment where she decided it would be a good idea to date a guy because of the fact that he could like her. He didn't at the time, but she begged her best friend, to beg him, to ask her out. And he did, because he liked her, her meaning the best friend. She was always the girl who had the beautiful best friend. In middle school, in high school, and even up until her college years, it seemed as though everyone went for her best friends. She hated it inwardly, allowing for herself to become a little bitter, and sarcastic.

"What's the worst that could happen?" He interrupted her thoughts.

What's the worst that could happen? She thought to herself. Every time she trusted people they betrayed her. They broke her heart. She was always so desperate for love. So desperate that the one boy she begged to have date her ended up being, well, someone she didn't think he was. She broke up with him the next day because she, "couldn't lie to her mom." But deep down she knew it was because it was wrong. It was so wrong to beg for love. She knew she deserved more than some random guy she had only known since the day before and who blew a wine burp in her face earlier that morning. She was fourteen, and already she felt that her worth was dependent on if a guy liked her. 

"You know you mean the world to me right? That I would give anything just to show you that I love you." There he went again, interrupting her thoughts. But she felt the comfort with him. When he spoke she felt the words flow into her ears and down around her heart. Why couldn't it always be like this? 

"I think I'm starting to realize just how much." She said as she sat down on the floor at the foot of her unmade bed, letting it sink in. She let the words he spoke reach in and grasp her heart so tightly. This is all i've ever wanted right? Love? Then why does it feel so different than the other times i've tried? All her thoughts were swarming around in her head making it hard to fully cling to her decision. But she thought, maybe, just maybe, if he would come over and lay his hand on her back, she would feel the real comfort. If he did that, then she would know that this was really real, and he was really there. 

"Just let me know. Let me know you're real" Desperate for the confirmation that she needed to finally let him in to her heart, into her life. In that moment, she felt the warmth of a hand on her upper back. The touch of reassurance that she needed to know that he was real, that he really truly loved her, that he was there. She turned to see her empty room with the door closed. 

As she smiled to herself with complete confidence that what had just happened wasn't made up, she sat there as tears started running down her face. "Okay God, you can have my heart. You can have it all." 

It was all in your look

The look that knew I was there.The look that made me feel as though I was an actual person. That you could see me. Your look, the one that says "I'm being sincere...tell me honestly" And yet, I kept up the wall. I felt safe with your look, and yet it's the same thing that makes me scared for my heart. If I tell you too much, if I open up too much, only for you to turn in the other direction, how would my heart ever recover? It's crazy, but I think that I really do, like you. But my hints have either fallen short, or I have. I've racked my brain trying to figure out if I should bring it up. It's hard because I get the feeling that other's feelings may be involved, and I don't want to hurt anyone by making them feel how I felt ever day of high school, when I was the beautiful girl's best friend. It's not easy, and I don't want to rub it in. But that doesn't change my feelings. It won't change my heart. I deserve more than settling, and at this point anyone else would be. People keep saying you're just a boy, there are others. But right now you're the only boy. I don't care anymore. If I come on too strong. Because what's love, but a risk? And what's life without love?

It's crazy

But I'm not nervous about the crowdI'm nervous about you.

Sometimes everything hurts

Sometimes the little jabs that people take, that normally you could brush off , are the things that completely break you.Sometimes you hurt. And sometimes you just have to hurt. Sometimes you need to be honest with people and tell them that they are hurting you. As hard as it is. Even if it wounds them too. You can't walk through life hoping that people won't hurt you. You need to stand up for yourself. And today I learned that.