Switzerland: Day 12

Today. The last day of our trip before we travel home. We got to attend Lighthouse in Laax and our MLSSM team prophesied over the whole group.

Every single person left with a word. And I personally left feeling encouraged by giving words.

We end tonight, a bit tired and still processing our whole trip.

Tomorrow will hold a bus ride, a long train ride, another train ride, and then we make our way home on Swiss airlines.

I can't believe that for my first time off the continent I got to go I Switzerland.

I still feel so amazingly blessed, and even though I'm very homesick and excited to make my way back, I'll have memories here that I won't forget.

I won't ever forget my wonderful team: Amanda, Abi, Forrest, Patti, Jamie, Natalie & little Hudson.

Switzerland: Day 11

Laax is WONDERFUL!!!

Seriously. From the minute Amanda and I sat on the balcony of our temporary home we've been in love.

This little town is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. The mountains are just crazy and the open land somewhat reminds me of home.

This part of the trip is where I got to meet all the people I heard so much about from people at home. They are all incredibly wonderful.

We went to lunch and then hiked down to a lake where I took so many pictures and Amanda waded in the water and accidentally cut her heal.

On our hike back up we found a cool tire swing.

Amanda and Abi had a lot of fun on that one.

After making our way back up and out we went to the market and made dinner for the leaders of the Laax Lighthouse.

To end the night we encouraged them and prophesied over them.

Today is day 12 and our last full day in Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we'll be heading back to Zürich to fly home. I don't know how much time I'll have to write a blog post for today, but I know that a lot is going to happen at our Lighthouse church meeting tonight at The Livingroom coffee shop.

Switzerland has been truly amazing, and even though I'm home sick, I am going to be very sad to leave.

Switzerland: Day 10

After a fun night watching Skyfall with the YWAM students yesterday, today seemed a bit sad having to say goodbye after finally connecting with some of the students. We packed up our things and had a last horrah in town. We rode the bus for probably an hour just to see where it went. It was actually amazing getting to spend that time just to go around the town.

Church was at 5pm and it was awesome. We got to give people words and encourage the whole church. And even pray for YWAM students.

By the time we got back to the YWAM base, everyone was starving. The soup was amazing and I had three rolls with it. Never ashamed.

About a hundred sad goodbyes later and we were on our way to Laax. Two hours later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow. Which will consist of sleeping in, maybe jumping in the indoor sauna and then meeting the Laax Lighthouse team tomorrow night.

The trip is quickly coming to an end, but I am so excited to get to know more of our Lighthouse family.

Switzerland: Days 8&9

So yesterday was day 8 and today is day 9.Because we've had somewhat of a break from commitments and we've been able to just hangout I thought I'd combine these two days. So yesterday we got to sit in on the YWAM students last class of the week as they got to watch the videos of the prophetic words they were given from people in Mammoth.

We headed into town after lunch and ended up at a bookstore that also sold Swiss Army Knives. So naturally I had to buy two for my parents and one for myself. And a journal. And another gift for my mom. Once we were back at the YWAM base Abi and I tried to download a movie but couldn't. So we both just laid down. She fell asleep and I journaled about personal issues that I will be returning to when I get back to Mammoth. A good time of crying out to God and asking for answers, followed by pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. What else could put me back in a good mood.

Also!!! My Swiss Army Knife has tweezers in it!!! How cool is that? So needless to say my eyebrows are on point today.

This morning we got to sleep in because breakfast was later. And I really needed the sleep. Abi and I got to come into town with Natalie and Hudson and go to the store. Where I bought pounds of chocolate for everyone at home.

We ended up back at the bookstore where I used my self control and didn't buy anything else.

And now we are back at Kaffee Klatsch for the third day in a row and I'm downloading The Night Before for us to watch when we get back to the base.

It's been a nice couple of days to relax, but Abi and I are both eager to head to Laax on Sunday night.

Switzerland: Day 7

Our second day in Davos was pretty laid back. Abi and I woke up after breakfast because we stayed up pretty late, but we had orange juice and apples in our room and that was sufficient enough for breakfast.

Then we headed to the YWAMs class where they recapped all that happened last night. Students had stories about prophesying over strangers and getting to encourage people.

Hearing their stories was truly amazing because a lot of them lined up with the MLSSM students stories.

Abi and I had given words to this teenage boy who Amanda and a YWAM girl Felicia had gotten to encourage. Then I found out that another student Max had given the same word to one of the girls I had walked up to and given a word to.

It was all just so amazing.

After lunch the MLSSM team headed into town to one of Jamie's favorite coffee shops. Amazing. The food was great and the coffee was even better.

Following that we went to a designer store called Freitag where literally everything sold there is made out of the tarps that go on the side of the semi truck trailers. It sounded a little weird to me at first too, but it was so awesome. Though sadly too expensive.

We made our way home and arrived almost right in time for dinner and then had a night of worship.

The night of worship was the perfect end to a pretty perfect day. But now onto the next.

Switzerland: Day 6

Davos called and we went. Today we arrived in Davos after a couple hours of train rides. Tired and a little hungry we showed up to the YWAM base where we were welcomed by the wonderful students and staff.

We mentally prepared ourselves for the Wednesday night service and then went down to dinner. We had risotto and yes it was awesome.

Then I had about half a pound of chocolate.

We met downstairs for the service and they began with worship and then Natalie spoke and Reto translated.

The service consisted of Natalie speaking and the team encouraging the congregation, some of which might not have believed in God.

The whole MLSSM team went up and gave encouraging words to individuals as well as the whole group.

Finally I decided to speak up and encourage them about seeking God and finding him.

Jeremiah 29:13 has been one of my favorite life verses for years and I'm glad everytime I get to share it.

Afterwards a girl came up to me and gave me a word about myself and how God made me. Cue the emotions.

I finally convinced myself, after I got myself together, that I would try to go and pray for the girls in the back row who Forest pointed out hadn't been prayed for yet.

If you know me at all, you know that I've been basically terrified to talk to strangers and pray for them, even when I'm not by myself. And this time I was.

So I went, and it was a bit awkward, but I told them that God thought they were beautiful and amazing and that he loved them very much. They said thank you politely and I added that I wanted to see if they needed prayer for anything. They said no. So I persisted a little further and asked them to write their names in my phone and I could pray for them later. Thankfully they did and it wasn't super awkward after. I thanked them and left, which in all honesty I'm more glad that I went instead of regretting it later.

So it's almost time to go to bed and Abi and I make our way to the door. A girl who Abi had given a word to earlier stopped me and told me she (also) got a word for me when I was standing at the front.

She got the word rockstar. She told me that she didn't know if I liked music or singing or anything but that I should be on a stage. That I should be up there on a stage as much as possible. And then I started really tearing up.

I felt so blessed, which was ironic because we came here to bless them. It just proves to show that God wants to give us more and more.

Today was only the first day in Davos and I already felt truly blessed and at home again in a new place.

My prayer for tonight will be that God will make us feel completely at home with these people and that we can love on them and become family with them like the last two places we spent our time.

Amen

Switzerland: Day 5

Today was the day of all days, but sadly enough our last full day in Zürich. We started off by staying up way too late last night and getting out of bed at 11am.

Once we had all had breakfast and were ready, we left the house to head to the river and do a prophetic act. We declared Psalms 46 over the city then we made our way onto what we all wanted to do in the city.

Mainly it consisted of finding souvenirs for our family or friends, but we did end up stopping for an amazing lunch of fondue and dessert.

Amanda had the desire to go over to the art house and to be completely honest at first I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but the minute the three of us (Amanda, Abi, and I) walked in it was like walking into a movie where someone is giving their date a tour of the museum themselves and showing them all their favorite pieces. The art was amazing but it was almost more awesome just to listen to a good friend describe her favorite artists and paintings.

We started to run out of time and had to leave to go catch the bus to take us to the train station where we would be meeting the rest of the team. Except that the bus didn't show up on time and it didn't seem that it would be showing up at all. So we began to walk, quickly.

As it was raining outside, we showed up to the train station 8 minutes late and basically soaking. Oh if only glasses had windshield wipers on them.

After a quick stop at a chocolate shop and a tiny sugar coma later, we were on our way to a small group meeting where we had the amazing opportunity to be able to speak life into the leaders.

This day was the best possible day to be our last. Friends chatting about which Swiss boy they should marry and who would be the flower girls at our triple wedding. Chocolate consumption beyond all chocolate consumptions. Pounds of cheese and bread. And feeling the presence of God within every minute of it.

Zürich has been the most amazing experience and I'm sad to leave, but there is such a peace in my heart that I will make my way back here someday. And I don't mean next week when we fly out of Zürich airport to go home.

Switzerland: Day 4

Yesterday was our forth day in Switzerland and our second day in Zürich. We began our day with breakfast and coffee and then headed out with a wonderful new friend/tour guide.

We took trains and trams and explored the city of Zürich with someone who knew exactly where we were going.

We prayed over the city and over people and expected that God would show up and move.

After being joined by another friend, he took us on a tiny historic tour of Christianity through the city. We learned so much about how Christianity began In the city and even just how Switzerland was established.

We took the time to pray over businesses, and the local skatepark, but we also got to stop at a bakery and get some amazing treats.

Getting home was probably the least exciting part of the day, except for that we got to opportunity to pray for and encourage the ICF small group that was being held where we were staying.

It's truly amazing to discover new people and realize that the world is so much bigger than the small town of Mammoth that we all travelled from.

Every single person I have met so far has felt like family. I feel comfortable with them and again the gatherings just feel like family get togethers that nobody wants to leave.

Unfortunately today is our last day in Zürich and tomorrow we make our way to Davos. Even though we don't have much planned for the day I know that God is going to show up in extraordinary ways.

Switzerland: Day 3

Today was the day we all travelled to stay in Zürich. We took a bus, a train, a cable car, and walked up an extremely steep hill to the home in which we were staying on the fourth floor.

Needless to say our legs are killing us.

We arrived for brunch that consisted of potatoes, cheese, eggs, more bread, and lovely coffee.

No words can describe the feeling I get when I'm around these people.

You'd think it would be awkward being surrounded by people who are speaking Swiss-German to each other but surprisingly enough I have felt right at home.

Every single gathering has been amazing. It's felt like the longtime awaited family reunion that no one wanted to leave. And it was wonderful.

We did however have to say bye to our lovely hosts from Uster, which wasn't the best, but we know we have made good friends that we can always think about when we think of this amazing place.

We also had to say goodbye, temporarily, to our fearless leaders as they left early to make the way to Davos. This was just minutes after their son let me hold him for a large amount of time. And I am convinced that he will love me by the end of the trip.

After an afternoon jaunt around the nearby streets and a bit of time editing the many photos I took, we had dinner with the housemates. Wonderful spaghetti and salad. Not something I was expecting in Switzerland, but as an Italian I did enjoy the meal.

A session of being prayed for by the Swiss, and a coat of nail polish later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow, which will consist of a tour around town, hopefully some good coffee and a good time with my team.

Switzerland: Day 2

Today started with Abi and I being awake at 4:30 in the morning. Or 7:30pm California time. Finally I fell back asleep and then woke up confused at 10:45am.

After we all raced to get ready, we made our way down to the same house we had Raclette at (about a five minute walk) last night.

We had an amazing breakfast, at 12pm. Homemade Swiss bread and a bunch of other wonderful things, including more amazing cheese.

At 2pm Abi and I were crashing a bit on the couch waiting for us to start our staff meeting. Though we made it through, it was somewhat difficult when the couch was so comfortable.

Finally at 4:30 we were in a living room packed full of the Switzerland Lighthouse members.

The whole MLSSM team got a chance to share encouraging words and maybe even testimonies that we had that would be encouraging to them. Patti even got to welcome the new Lighthouse to the family with a lighthouse figurine.

I personally had a wonderful time hanging out with all of our Lighthouse family. I got to pray for a wonderful woman that I had never met before, and the whole night just felt like one of those family gatherings that you don't want to leave because you all just love hanging out with each other.

Our last night in Uster is going to be a little bittersweet.

I've had a wonderful time with the people we are staying with and the people who most generously provided us with our last three meals. But tomorrow we head to Zürich to stop at our next temporary home and I'm sure get to have even more amazing food.

Tonight was a whirlwind of being with a family that I had never met before, and it was wonderful feeling like I was a part of something. Something amazing.

Switzerland: Day 1

Today part of the MLSSM team landed in Zürich, Switzerland. Exhausted from our lack of sleep and turbulence tossed bodies, we made our way through customs and out into the fresh (though cigarette-smoke filled) air.

Navigating the trains and buses seemed the same as almost every other city, except for the fact that people were speaking Swiss-German everywhere we went and we passed by completely dumb-founded at the fact that people could know such a intricate language.

By the time we made it to our host home for the next two nights, we were begging for sleep, and were barely hungry at all. However, that did not stop us from walking to another amazing family's house and sitting down to a traditional Switzerland Raclette dinner.

As we talked over our cheese and potatoes and an amazing dipping sauce, that I refuse to leave the country without, I got to know a few people and learn how much alike humans really all are, even in different countries and cultures.

I sat at the end of a full table and found myself wishing that my future would be like this. Inviting amazing people into my home for amazing food and wonderful conversation.

Cute kids playing in the living room and a post dinner cup of tea truly made for a good winding down session.

Now I lay on my sleeping bag on the floor awaiting the last member of our team to join us from England.

Once we all have a good nights sleep and hopefully a full recovery from the pounds of cheese we just ate, nothing can stop us from taking on tomorrow, day two of our journey through Switzerland.

The Hello and The In Between

When it all comes down to it, I guess the person I'm mad at the most is myself. I let my mind, and more stupidly my heart, go there. I checked onto a train going the opposite direction and left them to fend for themselves in the midst of your being.

I wrote off all reason and logic and let my heart really go with it.

I let my mind run with all the encouragements from outer sources, that the feelings of which my heart was taking on could be reciprocated.

I let my mind be changed by positive feedback.

I let my life be turned upside down by your heart.

I let everything that I held dear become nothing compared to being able to spend time with you and make memories that I would have years after you leave.

Stupidly, I allowed myself to really fall for you. Heart and mind.

So here I am. Opening at the coffeeshop after a night filled to the brim with tears and goodbye letters and hope that in some alternative universe you have feelings for me too and it would somehow all work out.

At least five thousand unlikely scenarios race through my mind as I think of the day I say goodbye to you and hand you the letter.

The one I luckily wrote on my phone first rather than paper, otherwise my tears would have made it unreadable.

I think of the best possible scenarios and those still don't seem to be good enough to will you to stay, or me decide to abandon any previous reservations from our differences in values.

It's crazy though, because I have seen it. I've seen the alternative universe. The one where our values collide. The one where you're passionate, but not about the same things.

There was this hope in your voice. This hope that something greater could and would answer your prayers.

I saw the fire around your heart as you prayed. It was new and fragile but as you prayed it grew. It grew and took over your whole body in some amazing fashion that was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I saw you sitting in front of us all, asking God to be there with us. Asking God things I'm sure you've never asked him before.

Then I could see how your heart, paired with Christ's, was going to change the world like nothing anybody could have ever imagined.

Somewhere I read that it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they are worthy of it. As long as they deserve it.

You do.

I've got to be honest, I don't think we could find anyone who doesn't love you.

That's what makes it so hard. You make it really really...REALLY difficult to not love you.

I feel like you would have to try with such vigor to get me to not love you.

I know that it's different this time. I don't see you on this pedestal. I haven't lifted you up to something that you're not. I haven't fallen in love with the idea of you.

I can see flaws and some little things that I'm sure down the road would annoy me to no end. But I overlook them, because in all reality they don't matter. Because it's you.

Things that used to be a big deal for me have seemed to be just tiny differences in our thinking.

Somewhere along the way, in between me liking you and me trying not to like you and then me throwing caution to the wind and becoming fully head over chucks for you, I saw you. I saw your heart. I saw your dreams and passions and family.

I saw all these things that sometimes it hurts to know that I'll be forced to live without them. I'll be forced to say goodbye.

And like I said, the person I'm really mad at is myself. I'm the one to blame.

You took no part in it. You were just there, being yourself. And I was here becoming myself around you.

You sir, were a force of nature, and you came into my life and everything was drastically changed.

So yes I'm upset at myself. But I know that down the road I will never regret it. Any of it.

Getting to know you while secretly harboring feelings for you. Allowing you to be the catalyst that threw me into being myself. Trusting you with tough things, and you in turn completely blowing my mind by how trustworthy you really were.

I don't now, and will never regret these last six months. It was a whirlwind. It was something that swept me off my feet and made me believe that guys like you actually exist.

So I'm mad. But I am so much more thankful that I ended up here, and ended up meeting one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

Even if it had to end in goodbye, the hello and the in between were the most wonderful things I could have ever asked for.

Just Talk

I know it's been a while. So how about an update on where I'm at? Since school started I have changed drastically. I have prophesied. I have prayed for multiple people I didn't know. I have grown and I have been stretched.

Just this last week I have addressed problems in my life that have all coincidentally led back to a spirit of fear.

I'm afraid.

Straight up.

It's where my anxiety comes from. My feelings of inadequacy. My constant feeling that I won't be accepted or liked.

And it's so much more than me needing people to tell me I am good enough.

It's rooted so deep down from my childhood that I don't even really know where it started.

So last week we had an assignment to go up to Mammoth Mountain for the skiing and snowboard qualifiers. We were supposed to prophesy to four people we didn't know, and pray for two people we did know.

I didn't do it.

Actually sorry. I couldn't do it.

I was so scared and I literally stood there paralyzed because I couldn't hear God or didn't want to. So I didn't go up to anyone.

This week, I had to tell my teachers that I didn't do it. And I was also terrified to tell them. One, because I thought they would be disappointed. And two, I almost cry every time I talk about it.

They weren't disappointed. And they were encouraging about me trying again with everyone. I was not ready to even try and wrap my head around that.

I had to go and try again?

Well, last night I had my small group with the other students/friends, and basically I spilled the beans about everything. Fear, anxiety, how I can't talk to strangers let alone prophesy to them. Then they began praying for me and I went about my night.

Opening up my journal, I began writing. I didn't really know what it was until I realized it was God speaking directly to me in letter form. Most of it was encouraging, but then I got to the challenge.

He told me this, "I love you so much! You are my daughter, you are a daughter of the king, a daughter of God. It's time that you start stepping up and stepping out and acting like it. You carry power and I have given you authority. And all you need to be confident in is the fact that I am always there."

Great. I thought to myself. Am still thinking to myself.

You know that it's been pretty bad if God has to give you a kick in the butt.

Today I shared this with my class, and my teacher sat there smiling. Everyone knew that it was something that was most definitely truth in my life and lucky me, I was going to have a chance to walk it out again.

Our assignment today was to go out wherever God told us to go and start conversations with people, give them words, pray for them. Everyone else seemed a little nervous but fine, and I was sitting there on the edge of tears again.

We began praying for where God was leading us and my friend asked me how I felt about it and I just said "I'm scared" and started tearing up.

After I pulled myself together finally, we went out and we talked to some people.

I didn't prophesy over anyone, or pray for anyone, but we talked to a few people.

I came back feeling a little discouraged, but all in all I talked to people.

I took the step, and was intentional to talk to people, and I'm sure we left them feelings encouraged and loved.

So I may not have prophesied, or prayed. But I did talk.

Sometimes it's okay to just talk.

Love Changes Hearts

This morning I had the opportunity to join some new friends for coffee. I had a great, slow morning and then we showed up to the coffee shop and it was like my mood immediately dropped.

I have no idea if it was the people, or just me, but seconds after walking in I just felt off.

For the past couple of weeks there was a person that I kept encountering that I struggled with a lot. They got on my nerves and they always just seemed like too much for me to handle.

Because of this and a couple of specific experiences, I kind of wrote them off. I wasn't trying to be mean, it was just how it happened.

Something in me just couldn't find it in my heart to connect. Realizing now it had nothing to do with her, but more about me and my heart.

Today at the coffeeshop, she expressed frustrations and struggles that she was having in her life and asked if we could pray for her.

I decided that I would try to pray first, and for some reason in the middle of my prayer, I felt my heart shift and I felt my mood improve.

As I was praying I realized that this woman was completely and totally loved by God. I prayed that God would bless her, fully hoping and believing that he would.

It was like as I stepped out to love on and pray for her, God was changing my heart towards her and reminding me that he loves His children, and He loves His children to love His children.

As I made the decision to love her, my heart changed.

Little Girl

I want a little girl. I want to watch her grow and fall in love with adventure like I did. I want to be there for her like my parents were with me, but obviously funnier.

I want to have tickle fights and make sarcastic comments when she claims to hate me because I wouldn't let her stay up five more minutes, after already letting her have ten more.

I will love to see her run around with her sun lightened hair and tan freckled skin.

I want to raise a daughter who knows the actual order that the Star Wars movies came out in.

I want my daughter to know how much she is loved, and that God is always with her.

I want her to know that she is special and valued and worthy to be loved.

She will know she is smart and funny and if she's lucky, more coordinated than I am.

I want a little girl that knows what I didn't know, because I had to learn it the hard way.

I want a daughter who feels safe, even though sometimes I didn't.

I want a daughter who can be protected even when I'm not there.

And for that reason, I also want a son.

How I Got Here

I never used to think of things in the big picture perspective. I've always thought, things happened, and then other completely unrelated things happened, and that even more things will continue to happen.

It was never, things happened because other things happened.

But now I fully believe that everything, at least almost everything is connected.

So with that said, I would like to tell you how I got here, November 21 2015, sleepless at 4:45 am.

It all started with my seeking out another job in May.

I got a job offer and gave my notice at my current job. Then a week before my time of employment was up, the other job was seemingly less likely.

A little stressed I decided to still go on a road trip with my best friend two weeks later. I arrived in Mammoth Lakes, CA on July 12th, 2015. Immediately it felt like home and like I had purpose here.

After a week of wondering what I should do, I ended up emailing the other place and saying I would be staying in Mammoth. I applied for the school at Lighthouse, and I waited. I waited for God to provide, and He did.

In the two months between the time I arrived and the time the school started I dealt with a lot of stuff that I had willingly taken on while being home. Things that weren't my responsibility or things that were just lies. So already I had an amazing amount of healing.

School started and it was the most amazing shift I think I've ever been through. I went from "being done" with school to not being able to wait to go to school the next day.

The third week of school we went on a trip to Redding and I prophesied over someone for the first time, and it's as if I had been doing it the whole time.

This past week a fellow student talked a lot about how people have fear of man, and how Moses had fear of man and that's where Aaron came in. Every time she would mention it, I would feel myself kind of stiffen. I think deep down I knew that that was exactly what I struggled with in my walk with God, being afraid of what everyone would think or say.

Last night, the camp's developing worship team (four staff members) got together to have a mini worship practice. We were going for a couple of minutes and two of my friends got up and went into another room, and I was left sitting next to my roommate Jacob.

He was playing the guitar and singing and I was just sitting there. A couple minutes before I had felt God say, well at least I thought He said, to lift my hands to Him. However, I've always been pretty reserved in my worship. But when it was just Jacob and me, I decided, you know what, and I raised both arms straight up into the air and began praying.

I began to pray that I wouldn't be afraid of what people thought anymore. That I wouldn't have a fear of man, but a fear of God. I didn't want to hold back in worship because I thought people would think how I worshipped was weird. So I prayed this prayer and put my hands down feeling satisfied.

If that little prayer from my end could make me feel satisfied, you will understand why what happened next left me completely crippled.

Almost as soon as the other girls came back Jacob started playing the opening riff to You Won't Relent. And as earlier discussed with him, I was going to be singing it. So I started singing the first verse, and my friend began to tremble under the Holy Spirit probably about four words in.

I continued singing, happy that she was having that experience, and focused on the words and my voice. By the time I had sang through the second part twice I couldn't do anymore. I hadn't noticed right away but I had been physically shaking the whole time I was singing, and it wasn't because I was nervous. The Holy Spirit was on me.

I stopped singing, because I couldn't. I was basically paralyzed. It felt like every inch of me was vibrating and I couldn't move. I didn't sing for the rest of the night, and very gradually the shaking feeling faded. Though I could still barely make my way to the car because my legs felt so weird.

When I arrived home I went straight to the bathroom washed my tear stricken face and came upstairs to lay down. Not sleep. Just lay down and let myself bask in what had just happened, and allow myself to fully calm down. For about an hour I laid on my bed and just thought about how God has answered my prayer. Since the day I arrived in Mammoth I've been asking God to show me His presence, to let His spirit fall on me.

I actually have a song that says "Jesus speak to me, let your presence fall, and we will sing." Little did I know when I wrote that, that it would be almost impossible for me to even speak when His presence came on me.

At some point I fell asleep and woke up around 1:30 this morning, and I've been awake every since.

You know when you are waiting for something to happen and you can't fall asleep the night before? Or something so good happens that you're too happy to sleep?

I honestly don't know which it is, probably both, but I am still wide awake. It's 5:08 am. What the heck.

Anyways, back to my point.

It was all connected.

I have repeatedly told people that I probably wouldn't have been here if I hadn't have gone for that first job that I gave my notice for. If I hadn't of quit ahead of time, I wouldn't have felt okay leaving. But because I had already gone out on a limb, I decided why the hell not?

Literally? "Why the hell not?" Is how I ended up here?

I don't fully believe that, but that's how it started. But since then God has opened every door, and the next, and the next. I went from a place of anxiety and depression, to healing and His presence.

God knew that I wasn't ready to just jump right in. I needed healing first. It was all those steps that led me to last night and being able to lay down my fear at the cross, and feel His presence.

That is how I got here, sleepless at 5:14 in the morning on November 21, 2015. I'm tired, and ecstatic and just in awe of what God managed to completely change in me in one night. Now I am left wanting more.

But first sleep because I need to be up in an hour.

What You See is Not What Everyone Else Sees

This morning I woke up with my bun on the very top of my head and at least half of my hair had fallen out from the bottom. In that moment, I knew it was going to be a bad hair day.

My hair was greasy, and my part was now, thanks to my bun, indecipherable.

I finally got ready and did my best to style my hair, ending up with it in a pony tail.

I did my make-up and I picked out my outfit for the day.

Feeling fine with myself, I made my way across the property to the camp office and began my weekly task of cleaning the office.

I was sweeping when one of my roommates walked in to ask me a question.

As they were making their way out the door they stopped and said "you are having a good hair day. What's different?"

And then I say hesitantly, "It's in a pony tail."

"Oh." He replied, "I like it. You wearing make-up?"

"Yes." I say.

"Lipstick?" He asked further.

"Yup." I reply, now just completely taken aback.

"I like it." He said and then turned and left.

As I continued sweeping I felt my "feeling fine" mood lift off of me, and I felt full on happy with how the day had turned out.

There were two things that I realized through this experience.

One being that you never know how someone is feeling about themselves. I was feeling basically crappy about how my hair looked today and then now I feel great.

Because someone went out on a limb and decided to compliment me, I instantly felt better. So we should never hold back when trying to encourage people.

Two being that people see us very differently then we see ourselves. We are our own worst critic, and somehow sometimes we don't think good things about ourselves, when on the opposite end people could think the world of us.

We could think we look crappy as hell, and then people tell us that we need to keep doing what we're doing because we look great. What even is that?

As I begin to walk out this newfound confidence in the fact that I am totally and completely ridiculous when it comes to overthinking my appearance, I hope that you realize that people see you very differently then you see yourself.

So when you look in the mirror just remember, what you see is not what everyone else sees.

My Orphan Heart Has Found Its Home

Attending the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry has probably been the hardest step that I have ever had to take, but by far the best. Our current reading assignment is "Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship" by Jack Frost.

I hadn't started reading the book until this evening, and I'm somewhat glad that I didn't.

Last week, I got into an accident in the snow. My first time taking on icy roads obviously didn't turn out well. But my friend/fellow student and I were perfectly fine and no other cars were involved.

With that said, it's been a tough week.

I have had car troubles in the past, many times, and every single time it's felt like one of my limbs has been ripped off and I'm left grasping for what the heck I'm going to do.

This week has been difficult in the fact that I've started training in a new job, and I have school every day. It doesn't help that I can't necessarily walk because it's always freezing outside and there's snow everywhere.

Everyday since my car accident last Monday, I have needed to get a ride from someone. Whether it be my roommate, classmate, coworker, etc. But I have had one of the hardest times asking for help.

I grew up feeling somewhat alone a lot so I became kind of dependent on myself. You could probably ask anybody, but I'm just an independent person. I'm the one that likes to volunteer to drive and I never enjoy feeling stuck because I'm waiting on somebody else.

Just this morning I opened up to my boss about the whole situation and how I was chomping at the bit for my car to get fixed and I could drive myself again. I told her that I felt that God was working in my life even when it felt like nothing good could be happening right now. I have never really felt okay asking for help. I've always told myself that I didn't want to be a burden, and because of that I never asked, I try to stay out of the way and I don't draw attention to myself.

So because I have to keep depending on people and asking for rides and even asking for food from my roommates, I feel that insecurity rising up in me. I feel like at any second one of them is going to express annoyance at my not being able to take care of myself. As that insecurity came rising up, I felt God whispering to me "you are a blessing, not a burden."

I made this revelation this morning, and then I cracked open this book.

Jack Frost talks about how all of us are born with "orphan hearts" that reject parental authority and seek to do everything their own way. Sometimes we are raised and our parents unintentionally (sometimes not) hurt or reject us, and because of that we view God's love that way and don't want to see ourselves as His son or daughter.

If I didn't already associate with this, I did when I found this passage (bare with me):

When wanting to cast out an orphan heart, remember that you can displace it only by introducing it to a loving Father. Even then, an orphan heart must choose to embrace the spirit of sonship by willingly becoming interdependent in relationships and embracing God's community of love. This is not a once-and-for-all choice. You choose sonship over and over because orphan thinking doesn't surrender easily, and it often comes back and tries to assert its influence once again. The orphan spirit tries constantly to weaken our families, relationships, and the nations by deceiving us into becoming subject to our own mission rather than living life to experience God's love and to give it away.

We are called to live in interdependent relationships and embrace God's community of love.

I have lived my life independently because it seemed easier. It seemed that if I took care of myself and did my own thing I wouldn't get hurt. I never allowed myself to belong because it was too big of a risk.

"I am a blessing, not a burden."

Here I am, living in a house with another girl and three boys and I feel at home, for probably the first time in my life.

I have a family that doesn't see me as a burden, not that I felt my real family thought that, but this is the place where I finally believe that I'm not.

I am not a burden. I am not an orphan.

God's love has become so real to me in the past month, but even more so in the past ten minutes of reading this book.

I am a daughter of the king. I accept my spiritual "sonship" and I choose God's will instead of my own independent ways.

I was born with an orphan heart.

But now my orphan heart has found its home.

I Cry

When I see other people in pain, I cry.Sometimes I cry when something is too beautiful to just say it.

I cry when people reconcile. Something as small as a beautiful voice can make me cry.

Being angry makes me cry. Getting yelled at makes me cry.

Sometimes people will snap at me and I’ll wait until they are gone, then I’ll cry.

Loving people makes me cry. Good music, and wonderful poetry make me cry.

I cry when I’m proud of someone.

Encouraging words make me cry.

I cry when I’m overwhelmed.

Sometimes I even cry when I read sweet things. I’ve probably cried during every book I’ve ever read. I’ve cried because of things, I myself, have written.

Movies are my Kryptonite. Whether it be tears of laughter, joy, or sadness.

So basically I cry a lot.

But I’m not even ashamed of it.

I cry because things are important to me. Relationships matter. People matter. Music matters. I have empathy so strong, I cry for fictional characters when they are wronged.

I’m a sensitive person.

But I’m strong when it counts.

Like when someone yells at my best friend and expects to get away with it. Or when I slip down the stairs and receive a huge purple bruise on my butt.

I’m someone people can laugh with, and cry with, or just be real with.

I wouldn’t change who I am for anything.

I’m just glad that I’ve finally gotten to this point. The point where I know that even when I cry, I am beautiful.

I Made It.

I remember the few months before I went off to college. They were a blur of worry, stress about money, and distance.

I remember praying daily that God would provide every cent for my school payments. I mean, he had called me to go to this school, so why shouldn't it be provided for.

My parents weren't in a good financial place to pay all of the payments that the school loans wouldn't cover.

But somehow. I made it.

I made it because my parents skimped.

I made it because my mom took old gold jewelry to a pawn shop and sold it for my tuition.

I made it because my pastors donated a hundred dollars a month to my account.

I made it because my aunt blessed me with almost four hundred dollars.

I made it because my school decided to give me a small scholarship here and there.

I made it because God provided for all of these people who in turn wanted to bless someone else.

I made it.

Now that I've made it through, I want to thank God and every person that had a hand in it.

I'm so thankful that people saw the potential in my heart, and what God wanted to do with my life, and they wanted to be a part of it.

I look back on all the times where I thought we wouldn't make a payment and then somehow it worked out.

I look back on all those people who blessed me, and I want to be someone who does the same.

I want to help someones dream come true.

I want to do whatever it takes so my kids can do what they love, and what makes them happy.

God has blessed me, and though I have little right now, I want to bless others.

Because others are why I made it.