Take Chances

Last night I made the courageous (for me) decision to make myself a music page on Facebook. So I did it, I had just finished making an acoustic album (of questionable quality) and put it up on Soundcloud.

I've spent so many years afraid to share my music because I thought it wasn't perfect.

If you've read any of my past posts, you know that it got so bad, to the point where I hadn't written anything or practiced at all because I didn't want people to hear me.

After I edited my last couple of songs, I set up the album and put it on the internet.

I placed the link on my Facebook page and allowed for all of my friends and family to hear it.

Most of my family doesn't even know I'm a songwriter/Musician.

I was so scared to be critiqued that I wouldn't even put myself out there.

But I was wrong.

Instead of hearing words of judgment, I heard words of encouragement.

I saw people posting loving words about my voice, and my talent and telling me congratulations for the album.

I became excited about music again.

I took the chance and put myself out there.

I decided to be faithful to the gifts God has given me.

And because I decided to be faithful, God opened the door on my dream.

Today, a day after I made my page, I get a message from a musician at the church I attend.

He told me that I have an awesome voice and he would love to do guitar, bass, or drums on any of my songs. He has his own studio and went to school for it.

Something that I've always wanted to do is finally happening.

So now, I'm thankful that I took the chance and put myself out there.

Because people saw my heart, heard my voice, and they accepted it yes, but they liked it.

Because I remained faithful and I am being rewarded.

God loves to bless his children.

Take the chance.

Time Has Taught Me Things

In 2010, I started writing my own teen novel. I worked on it for a long time and then eventually felt like it was terrible and it would never get published, or even finished. I read so many better things around me and knew so many writers that were exceedingly better than I was.

Last week, I opened it back up again. I began rewriting it, adding detail and changing certain situations. I was fully immersed in it. It brought me joy again.

---

In sixth grade I got my first guitar. I loved it. I wrote terrible songs with my friends and then we would stand by our tree and sing them during school breaks. It never led anywhere but eventually my songs got better and I could do it on my own.

Recently I've had a really hard time playing my guitar and writing songs. Even looking at my guitar across the room makes me feel guilty for not touching it. I have a hard time because I don't want anyone to hear me. There is a much better guitar player in the house and I think sometimes I'm just too intimidated to write my songs that consist of four chords.

So I haven't.

---

Sometimes I think we allow others success to scare us out of our own.

I spent almost all of college feeling like I couldn't be a writer because it was somebody else's thing. They were a terrific writer and I sucked, or at least felt like I did.

But when we put the pressure of others success on ourselves, it scares us out of trying.

At least it scared me out of trying.

Instead of asking my friend to read my writing and help me become better, I just stopped writing.

I became too prideful. If I couldn't be great at it on my own then I wasn't going to do it at all.

I'm scared of criticism, even if it's constructive, especially if it's constructive.

But here I am again, writing. I'm writing because I love it. Because I love creating things.

If I love something, I'm not going to stop because someone else does it better. There's always going to be someone that does something better.

The only difference is that they aren't me. They don't want to say what I want to say.

They don't want to sing how I want to sing, or play guitar.

No one can do what I do, because no one is me, but me.

I can keep doing what I love and continue to get better.

Or I can stop everything because I think that I'm not good enough, based on someone else's years of practice.

These are the things that time has taught me.

Not Afraid.

On July 12th, I set out to Mammoth Lakes, CA to begin a road trip with my friend. This probably seems normal to everyone who knew I was leaving on a road trip, but only a handful of people know that I left a day early. I left early because life in Hollister just became too much.

Family drama. Falling into old habits. Anxiety that got so bad it drove me to suicidal thoughts. Well. One. It would be easier if I wasn't here.

Even as I right this, I'm tearing up at remembering how helpless and sick I felt being there.

I couldn't stand up for myself.

I wasn't doing anything I loved.

I wasn't healthy. I was being enabled. And codependent.

If you want to see someone get truly depressed, just put them in a place they don't like, doing something they don't love, and have them completely isolated from any meaningful relationships.

That was me.

So when I arrived at the wonderful camp that is The Station, it felt like an immediate 180.

I came here for three days before we left on our trip and volunteered in the kitchen.

Something as simple as setting up tables made me feel like I was doing something meaningful again.

I felt like there was purpose again.

And instead of getting anxiety for thinking nothing was ever going to happen for me, I got nervous because I knew it was going to.

So I stayed.

---

This weekend I had the opportunity to go home to Hollister.

The city that it probably seems like I just disappeared from.

I went to a going away party for a couple that I've known since highschool and beyond.

Our pastor encouraged them with words about their future, and how no matter what happens they shouldn't be afraid because God will always be by their side.

Almost everything that was said in encouragement for them, I felt as though God was whispering it to me.

That he was telling me that life is going to be okay.

Life isn't going to be easy by a long shot, but it's all going to be okay. And that I needn't be scared.

---

That night brought so much healing for me.

I got to hug those that I thought might have been hurt by me just up and leaving.

I got to pray for friends, and joke with acquaintances.

I got to actually, for once in my life, tell people that I've been happy. I didn't have to say "I've been okay." or "Things are fine."

I told people what I've been up to and it wasn't as excruciating as it usually is.

I went in with anxiety, scared that I would be shunned, or made to feel bad about my choices.

I left feeling encouraged. My family in Hollister still loves me, and to be honest my insecurities were the only thing to make me believe anything else.

I left that night knowing that I shouldn't be afraid for my future. I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to stumble.

Probably a lot.

But God says it'll be okay.

---

Now I can think of myself charging forward into my future with God by my side.

And I'm not afraid.

Blessings in Unusual Places

Today was a wonderful day. I had the awesome privilege to be able to take a day trip to Reno with one of my best friends.

We had everything planned.

We were going to go see a movie and then go into a couple of shops to find her some things for her upcoming trip to Ireland.

After our movie, we went on the mission to find her some nice rain boots.

She tried on a couple of pairs and then found the obvious winners, which were in the clearance section for $70.

Earlier she had stated that she would only want to spend $80 but if she could spend less then that would be cool.

As we made our way out of the clearance section towards the register I made a somewhat joking comment, "I bet they'll still be less than that." Thinking maybe that they would be a couple more dollars off.

The lady who rung up her boots was probably even more surprised than us to find that they were only coming up as $5.

Completely dumbfounded and excited, we left the store feeling like the best thing had just happened to us. Well her. But I was there and it even felt amazing for me to see my friend be blessed in such a way.

This was probably the best highlight of the day.

---

But just for kicks, here's a few more:

$4 super soft socks at Forever 21 and then the cashier giving me 10% off my whole purchase

70 cent boneless wings at BWW, after we had talked about getting something cheap for dinner and deciding we would get boneless wings.

Seeing one of the youth members that came to our camp a few weeks ago, working at Dutch Bros. She gave us our drinks for free.

$7.50 movie tickets at a nice theater.

The fact that all the cops that we saw today were going in the opposite direction as us.

Did I mention the $5 boots already?!?!?

---

A few of these I didn't even think of until I sat down to write this. Because sometimes we have to search for the blessings.

But today we didn't.

Today they were around every corner, as clear as day.

"We're so blessed" I kept saying the whole way home because I just still couldn't believe about the freaking boots!

And the free Dutch Bros! And the $7.50 movie tickets! Like! Are we kidding?!?

God always blesses us, I truly believe that.

But sometimes he just goes completely over and beyond and surpasses anything we could ever imagine.

Today was a blessed day.

Unusual Adventure

I'm sitting on top of a storage bin. I'm sitting here because I'm about to watch a meteor shower and a couple of new friends invited me. Climbing up the side of this storage unit was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I thought I was going to fall.

That my body and muscles were going to fail me and I wouldn't make it up.

I pulled with everything within me, in hopes that I would get to the top.

And to my surprise I did.

I made it. Shaking and a bit cold.

But I made it nonetheless.

I think this is what adventure is.

Doing the things that you wouldn't necessarily do before.

Doing things that seem scary, but fulfilling.

Now I know all I did was climb a tiny wall of a storage bin.

But I did it.

And it was the biggest rush that I've had in a long time.

Here's to hoping there's many more adventures to come.

Deja Vu

We all have those moments. Where we see something that we think we've already seen before.

We hear words that sound exactly like they did once before, when we heard them the first time.

I remember one time I had deja vu so bad, that I honesty believed that I had dreamt the situation before. No one could convince me that it hadn't happened at some point.

Today I took the time to put my stuff away in my new home.

I filled my dresser and made my bed while I listened to The Classic Crime on my record player.

Somehow everything found it's place. Everything seemed to fit perfectly into this tiny little space that was going to be my new home.

I looked over at my records stacked against my bed and it happened. Deja Vu. I sat there wondering where I had seen it all before and then I stopped.

It hadn't happened before. I knew that. I know that.

But for some reason, as I put my last book in it's place the deja vu gave me this weird feeling.

I stared down at my stack of records and this overwhelming feeling of peace came over me.

Almost as if I was finally where I was supposed to be.

I have found myself in this place where I am challenged. I am pushed further and further outside of my comfort zone everyday.

And you know what, I kind of love it.

I love the people. I love this place. I love the new adventures. And I love the future here.

The future that will consist of God pulling apart my life and putting it back together with only the important stuff.

The things that I've limited myself in, I will excel in.

The things I've told myself I've hated for so long will now be the things that intrigue me.

I sit here staring at my new home, with the amazing feeling that finally the things I've dreamed of before are coming into reality.

So maybe I haven't seen this all before and it actually was deja vu.

But I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am in the right place.

Pain is a Matter of Opinion

Recently I had a discussion with a friend about needles. I mentioned being a child and promising my mother that I wouldn't cry "this time" when she took me in for my seasonal shots.

It's funny because every year I would promise that and every year I would break my promise because I was scared. Not because the needle was actually already inside of me and it hurt.

Since then I have become someone who gives blood when she can, and sometimes can't because it hasn't been twelve months since her last tattoo.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

I've come to realize that pain is a matter of opinion. Someone who hated needles as kids could easily grow out of it, though there are those people who still can't handle them.

It's the same with anything people find painful. Usually when you're a kid you find things more painful than you would as an adult. Probably through experience but more likely because the emotional pain of life sometimes becomes more painful than the physical pain.

I've been thinking a lot about how sometimes when people express that they are hurting emotionally we don't take it as seriously as physical pain and we write it off.

When I was a kid I would run around and scrape my knees and twist my ankles and just basically throw caution to the wind when it came to taking care of my body.

As I've grown up, the physical pain has never measured up to the emotional hurts that I've received.

I've been rejected, called names, been judged because of beliefs, done things to myself I can't take back, let others take advantage, etc.

No physical pain that I've ever been through will hurt more than the emotional trauma I carry around with me everyday.

So sometimes when people see others in pain, they don't necessarily see it. Do you know what I mean?

They don't see someone with trigger words, or boundaries, or fears of being involuntarily touched. They only see if someone's bleeding, or limping, or in a cast.

People can write off emotional pain as if it doesn't matter. But that's their opinion. Obviously it's going to matter to the person who is going through it.

So maybe instead of shying away from people when they express emotional hurts, unstability, or scars, we decide to stay and listen.

We decide to acknowledge we shouldn't say certain things around certain people. Maybe we ask before putting our arms around someone.

We stay and let them express what's truly hurt them in their life.

Don't write them off because they aren't bleeding.

Pain is a matter of opinion.

Just because you don't think something would hurt someone, doesn't mean that it wont.

I Am His and He is My King

Bound by chains, heavy as stones Pulling and dragging me back, to where I don't belong.

I pull and I fight, digging my heals to the core

But the chain slips through my fingers, I'm about to lose the war.

I'm tired, and my eyes fill with tears. I look to the sky and a wonderful king appears.

As he stands next to my accuser he begins to speak, and I stand there worthless, sinful, and weak.

They speak for a minute and the accuser gives in, the king smiles at me as the accuser puts MY chains on Him.

When the accuser pulls my king away,

he doesn't fight back but smiles and waves.

He whispered in my ear, just before he went

The softest sweetest voice, it was hard to know what he meant.

He said, "you were made for a purpose, you're beautiful and strong,

I've paid all your debt, my child run along.

Don't give in to the accuser's lies, or stray from the path and lose your life.

I love you my dear, so please choose me,

over pleasure, over sin, over the world, my child follow ME."

As the tears streamed down my face,

I knelt to the ground at such redeeming grace.

This king paid my debt with His life indeed.

This love, this mercy, all for me?

A king gave His life for a peasant and called me His child.

As excitement rushed through my veins I began to go wild!

I jumped to my feet, my king still in sight

I raced to His side, touched His hand, and was filled with light.

"My king I choose you!" I declared from my knees.

"My Father I love you! Remember me please!"

And my king reached out His shackled hand, and placed it on my heart.

"My child more than all the grains of sand, we shall never part."

I laid my head down at His feet,

And when I rose, He was nowhere to be seen.

I hear a soft whisper every now and then,

a reassuring "I love you" and I tear up again.

This love was so unfathomable, nothing can compare.

Yet sometimes I forget that he's even there.

But when I am in trouble, I know that he's around.

Paying all my debts, without even a sound.

He fought for my life, because it has a purpose.

So there is absolutely no reason to think I am worthless.

A king called me His own, His child, beautiful and strong.

I am His princess and in His kingdom I belong.

This world has nothing for me, but tricks and misery.

But my kings kingdom....

THAT... is where I was always meant to be.

Truth for My Burdened Heart

Today I look out into the sky, and say that I was made for more. I lost all of who I was, in order to conform.

Like I've said before, I did this on my own.

No one made me like those things, in order to find a home.

Within the hearts of some "good" friends.

Who weren't really my friends at all. I have found the one whom my heart loves and do you know what He has said? "Michelle my dear you are who you are. I made you this way, I love you with all my heart.

I accept you and I am pleased, so please stop putting your identity in anything other than me."

I'm accepted by the one that truly cares.

Yet I have let others opinions even dictate, how I cut my hair.

Finally I see that I am adored.

By the gracious King of Kings and the Holy Lord of Lords.

I am beautiful and I am smart.

And God is the one protecting my heart.

I am worthy and I am enough.

Even when believing it is tough.

I am funny and I am caring.

And sometimes even just a tiny bit daring.

This truth has settled in my heart.

And now I would die before I let it part.

I Need To Get Out of the Boat.

We all know the story about Peter getting out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus. He saw the wind and he got scared. He began to sink, So he cried out to Jesus "Lord save me!"

Then Jesus grabs him, pulls him up, and says "You of little faith...why did you doubt?"

I think we can all identify with Peter. But I identify more with the former Peter; the Peter before he takes the risk and steps out of the boat.

I sit on the edge of the boat and watch. I watch as other people take their risks and have faith getting out of the boat to be with Jesus.

See I think that I'm with Jesus, and I think that I'm taking risks, when really I'm just finding something new in the boat to catch my attention.

I've always thought that maybe I had my eyes on the waters and I was sinking and just needed to call out for Jesus to save me.

But in all reality, I don't think I've ever even trusted him enough to get out of the boat.

I've been waiting to "feel" close to the Lord, but I don't take the steps to back that desire.

I go through the motions that may make it seem like I am with Jesus out on the water.

But if anybody actually looked hard enough, they would see me back on the boat sticking my toes in the water, testing how cold it will be when I sink.

I need to trust my Lord.

I need to risk everything to be with my Lord.

I need to get out of the boat.

Sometimes the hardest part of life is admitting you're scared as hell..

Growing up I used to think that there would be a point in my life where I would arrive. I would have a good job doing what I love.

I would have my own place (not realistic anymore).

I would have my group of friends that hung out all the time and encouraged each other.

I would have a good position in a church, doing what I was made to do.

I would have my music, and eventually have my own album recorded.

The minute I graduated from college, I knew that none of this would probably happen as I wanted it.

It took me two full months to get a job, at a donut shop.

I moved into a house with five other girls a month later.

I didn't really have any close friends once school picked back up again because they were all busy.

I took over as worship leader at a church, where I sometimes felt unappreciated, overworked and burnt out.

I did record a small cd, with somewhat terrible quality.

Then when it came time to start paying off my student loans, I knew my current situation wasn't going to cut it.

So I moved home.

Into my old room.

Into old habits.

Into old friendships.

Into my old self who let other people walk all over her.

If you've read my blog at any point before this, you probably read that I had an opportunity to work at a camp I grew up at. I was so excited and so nervous to go up there and be in a different place. But it was going to be worth it because I would be doing the things that I love.

I had tried emailing the director two times to ask when I should make the trip up there.

Today he finally emailed me back. He told me that they just got done laying off two people and he's still waiting to see how things will work out. Also, that he'll give me an update in the next two weeks. In the mean time, I've already given notice at my job. I already have all of July planned out with last minute trips, spending most of my money on traveling before I move up there. And now it's not a for sure thing anymore?

I read the email at work sinking further down into my chair as I filled with anxiety thinking about what the hell else I'm supposed to do if I don't get this job. The job that was a trial position in the first place. A job that I was going out on a limb to even take, because I decided I was going to have faith that everything was going to work out and I would get hired on permanently after the trial period was over.

There hasn't been a day in the past six months of being home that I haven't regretted it. Moving home.

I've loved pouring into good friendships since being home, and I don't regret that.

But honestly. I'm just scared as hell.

I'm scared that I moved home and now I'll be stuck.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to travel like I want to.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to move some place random and start my life the way I truly want to.

I'm just scared. Of everything. Of failure in life.

And I don't know what to do.

I want to be back in college with my friends. In close proximity where we could all talk to each other and encourage each other. I miss it so much. I miss my dear friends.

I wish that life wasn't so hard.

I wish being an adult wasn't so scary.

I have become the most anxiety ridden I have ever been since moving home.

I'm praying so hard that God will direct my path. I trust that he has great things for me, things that my ideas can't even measure up to. All I want is to be free. Free of expectations. Free of anxiety and hurt. Free of debt. Free of hatred towards myself for not being able to handle anything. I want to be free of all of these things, but mostly my fear.

I want to walk through life confident that I can do this. I have God right beside me and there is no way he is going to let me fall.

Love is Work

Recently I've had one thing become so real to me, it's like I was slapped in the face with it. I think sometimes we grow up thinking that love is this magical thing that is just perfect and painless and completely free of complication.

But now I think I finally understand that it's not.

It's not easy. There's not some model you can follow either.

Last week I watched this random country movie on Netflix. This women's husband was arrested and had lied to her and she had gotten so fed up she basically turned her back on him. She ends up running into an old guy friend in her hometown and he's there to comfort her, but you can tell that there's more to it. By the end of the movie you think that she's going to divorce her husband and then most likely end up with this other guy. Then out of nowhere the movie completely turns around and she's decided to take the risk and trust her husband again, and to truly fight for their marriage, and their love.

I cannot tell you how bad I was crying at the end of that movie.

I was just so astounded. These days we see people leaving their significant others for other people, divorcing their spouses because it was too hard. But this movie, this movie was the truth to what love should be.

It was like all of my confusion about love and marriage was cleared up in an hour and a half country hallmark type movie.

Loving someone is work.

Loving someone hurts.

Loving someone is challenging.

Sometimes it's even hard to love someone that you love.

Now, I have never been in a relationship. I have never even been in a flirtationship. But I know, now more than ever, that loving another human being is probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's going to be hard to not take things personally.

It's going to be difficult, being brutally honest when they ask for it.

It's going to be a challenge for me to express how I feeling to this other person who holds my heart, and can do whatever they wish with it.

It'll be tough to be one half of a whole.

But I can't wait.

I can't wait to fully devote myself to someone else.

I can't wait to bicker, and have that one person who basically said yes to hearing you vent until the end of time.

I can't wait to finally be with the person I waited all this time for.

The person I cried over so many nights, praying and asking God why he wasn't here yet.

I read this quote today:

"Do not settle, please do not settle because there is someone out there who refuses to settle, and you are worth so much more than convenience and ease, you are worth a heart that fights for you."

- T.B. LaBerge // Do Not Settle

I see all of these things popping out at me telling me love is hard, it's tough, it's work. Love is fighting for the other person.

I won't choose convenience over real love.

Love is work.

Snitch

I'll never forget this label. This label made me feel probably the most insecure out of all of them.

It made me think bad things about myself:

A bad friend.

A bad student.

A target for bullies.

A tattletale.

Someone who betrays.

Someone who has nothing better to do.

It's funny, because now I can sit here and understand that none of these are true.

I look back on all the times I spoke up, and every time I got the courage to say something, it was for someone else.

Every time I said something that could have labeled me a snitch, I was trying to protect someone. Whether it be their physical body, or their feelings.

I never told on someone just because.

I can remember all of the times I didn't say anything when It was just me, being picked on, made fun of, getting hurt.

But I always tried to make sure others were okay.

I never told out of spite or malice. I told out of love and concern.

I think that this is something that has bothered me for a very long time.

The fact that I felt like maybe I was a snitch.

And though I may just be trying to justify my actions by saying that I did it out of love, I believe it.

I don't believe that label applies to me. Not anymore.

I'm done carrying that around.

I'm also done allowing my past to dictate who I think I am, and instead I'm going to listen to the whisper.

The still soft whisper telling me that I am loved, and that I'm going to be okay.

That I don't have to let past labels, or labels in general, define me now.

People Can See It

We sat there with our friends, laughing until the darker hours. I was beaming from ear to ear at your jokes, your laugh.

And I think people saw it.

I think they could see how I looked at you. How I smiled at everything you said because I truly believed it was worth my smile.

I don't know what it is about people on the inside, but they're oblivious to it all. Well, at least I hope that you're oblivious. Please be oblivious.

I'm not ready for you to look at me with pity in your eyes because you don't feel the same.

It's just, you make me feel safe, in a nervous sort of way. Like I know that you won't hurt me, but I don't know that. Because you could. And I'd let you, if it meant I could possibly have a chance.

Because you treat me like a person, and I admire you for that. What I say matters, and you're supportive.

All I'm saying is that people are starting to see it. And I feel like soon enough so will you.

It Was a Simpler Time

It's crazy how being an adult can put so much stress on a person. I can remember being in high school and I had homework to do and I had commitments, but I hung out on Myspace daily and always had my friends over.

These days, I go to work and then come home and watch tv and hangout on Tumblr all night. Sometimes I write, or play music, or read.

But mostly I'm on the computer.

And yet, I'm more stressed out than I was even two years ago.

How is it that with age comes more stress?

Today I took a trip down memory lane and went through all of my old pictures.

Boy was that a terrible idea.

For one thing I was skinnier back then.

I just kept passing over pictures of friends and I hanging out at parks, or camps, and at school.

Things were structured but they weren't.

We had summer. We had winter break.

We had all these things that we had to look forward to.

I'm sitting here looking forward to an email. An EMAIL.

I look forward to the weekend, and then on Saturday I already start dreading Monday.

I feel like I've had nothing to look forward to lately.

The only thing I look forward to is hanging out with people.

Which, I'm starting to think is more important. Really it's all there is.

I get so nostalgic looking at old pictures because they were taken with friends. With people that I love.

You grow up hanging out with everyone so often because it's convenient. They go to school with you, or live down the block.

Then you go to college and you have your roommates and quadmates and they're always there.

You are so surrounded with all of these people that you love and that love you and support you.

Then you become an adult. And it all somewhat falls apart.

Your friends disperse. To different cities. Different states.

Life becomes about working, and making a living and paying bills.

Soon you don't have time to try and make an effort to see people.

That was the biggest slap in the face.

Having all these people surround you, and you promise each other that you will always be friends and that you'll talk all the time. And then you don't.

Out of sight becomes out of mind.

I am so guilty of this.

Then when you don't talk to anyone, you feel alone, then you feel like you can't talk to them.

So you don't tell them anything, because you can't lie and say that you're fine anymore.

It's so hard to grow up. It's hard to have things change.

It's getting so difficult to look back on memories and not be jealous of my younger self.

It's now almost impossible for me to see myself then and not be furious at myself for taking those times for granted.

It was a simpler time.

Giddy Anxious

Have you ever been so excited for something that you just get anxious about it? Like, you're totally happy, but this thing that is supposed to be happening means that you have to be patient.

You need to wait.

And the waiting is causing you anxiety.

Well. That's me right now.

I'm waiting to hear about a possible job. And after finally telling the one person I was scared to tell, the fear disappeared and all that was left was excitement.

I feel full support and I feel that the interview went well.

I have heard it from good authority that I pretty much have the job already.

But I'm waiting to hear it from the person who matters, the director, the person who would be hiring me.

I NEED to be patient. But all I can do is keep checking my email.

It reminds me of when I would go to camp, or really anywhere that I was excited to go to.

I can't really sleep. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm trying to be patient. But I just keep jumping every time someone mentions it.

I'm Giddy Anxious.

I know that there are certain situations in my past where I had the chance to be patient and I didn't wait on God.

I made a choice that I didn't necessarily want to make and here we are.

I need to wait on God and believe that he has the best for me.

If it's not this than it will be something else.

I'm waiting.

Anxiously Giddy.

Lord,

I pray that you will give my heart peace. Peace and Patience God. I pray that no matter what I will keep my head high and keep working hard. I will stay confident like I have been the past couple of days. I pray that I will continue striving to be better. Lord I really do want this, more than anything. I was up there for two days and I had already started to feel closer to you because the distractions fell away. I will try my best to understand if you say no that it means there is something better. But Lord I pray there isn't. ha. I want to strive to know you more God, I want to seek your face. I love you Lord.

Amen.

Someday

Rant, vent, share it all.I'll try to catch you when you fall. I'll be here for you, if you ever need. But don't even ask me why I bleed.

It's all about you, but please don't ask about me. My depths go further than ten thousand leagues beneath the sea. If you have to go now, please go run and flee. I don't want to drag you down with me.

You see my surface and that's too much. Don't come near me, don't try to touch. Oh, I'm scum. Honey, I'm dirt. All I bring is the subtle hurt.

It stings at first. But then you'll see. You'll wish you'd never even looked at me. I wouldn't blame you, or use harsh words. If you need to go, baby fly like the birds.

The time will come, when he sees all I am. He'll see the broken, weakened man. The one that I'd have done anything for. The one with whom my childhood was torn.

He'll look me in the eyes, and still see that child. He'll see a beauty that will make his heart go wild. He'll comfort, and hold, and bring me right in. Because he will be the one, to see past my sin.

He will tell me that it's okay, that he still loves me. My past is past, and I've been set free. He will say that it's not what he sees when he looks in my eyes. But that he sees a woman of God free from the worlds lies....

Him

There wasn't really a time where I didn't notice him. We grew up together, but separate.

I admired him when we were kids. His desire to always seek adventure.

He'd end up hurt and try to act like he was fine, like I did.

I usually kept up with him too. Well. Not running. He was too fast.

Too skinny and aerodynamic. But in spirit I kept up with him.

I remember that he was always hyper, always wanted to do something.

I remember playing truth or dare, and wishing that someone would dare him to kiss me.

I remember being disappointed when he was dared to kiss me and he didn't.

I remember him being there when I started falling for the biggest devastation of my life.

I remember wishing that we were closer. That he could see the potential he saw in her, in me.

Sometimes there are people we just notice. People that no matter where you are in your life, if you see them you will stand up straight and hope that they give you the time of day even though you haven't ever really had a good conversation with them.

You wish you were funnier, or more interesting because then maybe he would seem interested when you talked to him.

I was there when it seemed like he was falling away. Wishing that there was something I could do or say to make it better.

It's good though, to see him now. He's doing well. I don't even have to talk to him to see it. Not that I don't want to.

I'm just scared. Like I've always been.

Scared that he won't notice me.

When I've always noticed him.

When I've noticed him grow up into a man. Finally taking charge and growing. Making progress to do and be better, for himself.

He's so calm now. Like me.

We both used to run around playing games and sports and chasing each other.

I remember when he fell and ripped his cargo pants, leaving his bloody knee exposed.

I remember when he got a concussion playing musical chairs. Musical Chairs.

Now, he seems so stoic almost. Calm and collected, like he's trying to keep in everything that's happened to him. Like me.

Maybe one day he'll look at me and see that he can trust me.

I haven't really talked to him in years. But there's still time.

Time to reach out.

Because when I think of the person I've always noticed, it's always been him.

We're All Different

Recently it has become more apparent to me how different we all are. God made us that way. He made us as unique beings.

He made each one of us with a set of characteristics and vastly different dreams.

One person can feel called to a certain career, or ministry, and someone else could feel called to something completely different.

One person can have a dream to go out and make changes in the world, and someone could have a dream to change the world by being a good parent and a good spouse.

We are all different.

I know that I talk about dreams a lot, but it's just something that weighs heavy on my heart because I know I haven't been working towards mine.

The other day I sat across from a friend and coworker as she talked to a new employee on the phone. Basically the conversation consisted of her telling the other woman how much she liked it there and how she was going to wait for a while and then try to move up in the company.

I was sitting there finishing up some support staff tasks thinking, that's not what I want.

I made the decision to come home because I knew I needed time to prepare.

Prepare for what, I don't know.

But I sit at that desk day after day and feel completely lost.

I truly believe my anxiety attacks are a direct result of me feeling like I'm not doing enough to ensure that my dreams become a reality.

I overthink, and I have sleepless nights thinking about my future and all the things I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I have lived my whole life trying to meet everyone else's expectations. I have done things because, well, it's what you do right?

When you graduate, you get a good job. And you just work. Because this job is what you went to school for.

That's not the case.

I went to school and studied ministry. And I'm sitting at a desk job everyday.

You want to know why? Because I got caught up. I got caught up in the whispers of my dad, who has always wanted me to have a good paying job so I can take care of myself. I got caught up in people telling me that maybe what I'm doing isn't what God wants me to do, so then I second guess what God has told me himself.

God has told me that I am beautiful and strong. Which means that I don't need to latch onto other peoples dreams, or listen to the lies society tells me, or even the lies that the people closest to me tell me.

Last week I spoke to the director at the camp I grew up at. The camp that I love and feel is a big part of my life. I asked him, again, if they had any job opportunities. He said no, that there weren't currently any jobs open, but that there is always a possibility and he wants me to come up and visit to talk with him and share my heart.

A possibility.

A POSSIBILITY!

This tiny sliver of hope, made me the most joyous person I have been since I can't remember when.

I find myself smiling when I talk about the "possibility."

Even my parents told me that I sounded so excited when I was on the phone with him and they really hope it works out.

This is something I've always wanted to do, be involved in something that I care about. Truly.

I think that's what everybody wants. I believe that's why God gave us dreams and our own set of talents or skills. He wouldn't give us dreams and then tell us we can't achieve them.

I could have the opportunity to mentor young girls who are interning. When my whole senior year of college, all my assignments were about was how the young adults of today need mentors and guidance.

I could have the opportunity to work in the kitchen. When I was a cook for two years and worked in a kitchen for four years.

I could have the opportunity to do worship, and I've basically been on worship teams every since I picked up my guitar.

This opportunity. This "possibility" is something I prayed for. I asked God to open the door to my future and shut the door to the past that was holding me back. Not a day goes by that I don't pray about this. Pray that it happens, yes, but also I'm praying that it's right.

I can look back on my whole life and only find one other instance where I prayed this hard for clarity, and that was when I prayed that God would show me where to go to school, and my Life Pacific College acceptance letter came in the mail the next day.

We are all different. We all have different dreams. We all have different paths.

What God has for you, might not be what God has for me.

And that's okay.

Inspired

If there's a person who can truly make you inspired, I think it's Olan Rogers. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, you should make time for it.

Not only is he one of the most hilarious people that I've ever seen, his Soda Parlor Documentary is inspiring as heck.

He talks about his dream of opening up this Soda Parlor to be able to spend time with people whenever he wants. This person that loves people, and getting to know them talks about how he felt that this dream almost wasn't going to come true.

If you feel like you're uninspired, discouraged, disappointed in everything including yourself, this 15 minute documentary can maybe lift your spirits just enough to allow you to breath. To allow you to realize that there is still life, and that if you're willing to work hard and fight for your dreams that you can do it, one step at a time.

I've been living in a state completely bare of any motivation, or beauty. Usually I can find the beauty in the world, but recently all I've found is anxiety, and fear that I'll be stuck here forever. A fear that I'll never live my dreams.

And then I sit in my room and wonder what my true dreams were in the first place.

Well, one of my dreams is to make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself, without the help of parents, family, or even a husband. I'm not one who has always depended on people, and being home depending completely on my parents makes me feel like I'm worthless.

Another dream is that I want to write music, and perform and I want people to like my songs. I want to live completely immersed in music. I want to have a legit EP. One that's recorded with people. I want musicians around me that make me better.

Dream number three is to be a writer. Which at this point I've done a lot more writing than I have practicing my guitar. I like writing words that could somehow make a difference. So I write teen fiction with tiny little pieces of my life in it. I want to subtly write my story in the back stories of my characters and somehow change someone's life. Like Rainbow Rowell, or Melody Carlson, or Robin Jones Gunn.

I dream of traveling. I want to road trip everywhere. I want to fly over seas, out of this country and see what it's really like out there. I want to see all these amazing sights that I've only heard about, or seen pictures of.

I dream of a family. I dream of marrying the man of my dreams and living together in a tiny house, or apartment. Coincidentally I dream of marrying the man I do music with. But that doesn't have to happen. I just want someone who will support my crazy dreams and someone whose dreams I can love to support. I can't wait to come home to the love of my life, to greet him with a kiss and to be able to hold him and not have to let go. I can't wait to wake up next to someone. Right now this is one of the most important dreams to me, however I put it last because I realize it shouldn't be the most important to me.

I want to live my life. I haven't yet learned how to share this life with someone. I can barely keep up with my relationship with God. I don't need another distraction from my Lord.

My God has given me these dreams, and I don't think He is the type to dangle something I love in front of me and not let me have it. Dreams are supposed to be work, and I get that now.

I think I just need to stop being paralyzed by fear.

I fear that others will judge me, but to be honest with myself, some probably will.

I'm afraid that people won't like my music, or my writing, but some people won't.

I'm afraid of money. I let it consume me. Constantly checking my bank account to see if I have enough. Yet I spend money on things that aren't important to me.

I'm afraid of feeling guilty for leaving a job I don't necessarily think will grow me in the areas I need it to.

I'm afraid of people being upset with me. I care too much about how people see me and my choices.

I have so many things standing in my way and I think that I need to take the time to sit before God and give everything up.

I need to set it all at his feet. I need to set it at his feet and ask that he either bless it, or close the door on it.

I watched the Soda Parlor Documentary again today. It's something that maybe I should watch daily. It makes me feel like my dreams are achievable. Which they are, I just don't know where to start. I need to find inspiration in myself. I think.

Lord help me to see the plan. Open the doors, and close the ones that I shouldn't even be looking at. Lord help me. Give me peace in my times of anxiety. Help me to immediately look to you and know that it's going to be okay. It's not my whole life. That i'm only 23 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Give me strength, and help me to fight for my dreams. I love you Lord. Amen.