Transparent

Now that i've got myself all comfortable on my couch; room clean, tv show on, and the dorm doors unlocked to everyone. 

I can relax. 

Now that i've hidden every flaw of our room, every dirty sock, every chord sticking out from in front of the tv. 

Now that I'm "dressed" in my Halloween costume. 

Now that i have everything hidden that i don't want people to see.

I can show people the side of me that may not be so revolting. 

I think this is my life in a nutshell. 

I only walk out of my room into the world after i have hidden the blemishes, the belly pouch, the frizzies, the puffy eyes and possibly my frown. 

Why is it that i feel i have to be perfectly put together twenty-four seven? 

Why do we all think that?

Do we really think the world can't handle our bad sides? Our dark sides even? 

If we think people can't handle bad moods, a little bit of frizzy hair and sometimes the occasionally pimple, then we are destined to be a nuisance and alone for all of our lives. 

Think about it, i open up to only my close friends. But what if even they couldn't handle my faults, my flaws? 

I would wonder through, day by day, trying to deal with every frustration, every thought, all alone. 

What kind of world would this be? 

That's why i'm thankful that i have even those friends that will listen to my ramblings that don't always make sense. I'm thankful that i can be transparent with them, and sometimes cry in their arms for no good reason. 

Sometimes i wish i were more transparent, and open, and comfortable with people outside of these people i call close friends. 

What would the world be if we were all transparent and completely comfortable with one another, rather than trying to hide the faults and the ridiculous quirks that make us who we are? 

Let us be ourselves in a world of people always striving to be someone else. 

Let us be original, somewhat weird, and completely against conforming. 

Let us be transparent.

Mom and I Are Very Proud of You.

The words i so desperately needed to hear. 

"Mom and I are very proud of you." - My Dad. 

I used to be so scared of what my father thought. Not to the point of not doing what i loved, but to an extent, i was a little scared to dream. 

I grew up in a pretty stable household. I went to church with my mother, and my father would come occasionally when i would be in a play or sing at church. But other than that, he didn't really have a connection with my loving music and being on the worship team. 

I had sports with him. He played caught with me, and helped coach my little league team. 

I think our relationship kind of fell apart a bit when i became a teenager and was just upset at the world all the time, and went through the stage of being annoyed with my mom. And of course my notorious attitude. 

Well. All heck broke loose when we weren't financially stable anymore. They couldn't pay the house payment, and our home for twelve years was auctioned out from underneath us. 

Every since then, and probably a little bit before then, i've had it said to me multiple times that i need a good job so i could be financially stable. So of course it didn't come as a big shock that when i voiced my desire to go to a christian college and minor in music my dad wasn't necessarily happy about it. Not happy and not supportive are two very different things i guess.

I went through my first two years of college thinking that my dad didn't support me. I was afraid to talk to him and tell him anything about payments, or what would happen after, because to be honest i have no clue what is going to happen after. 

And now that i might be going to Massachusetts when i graduate it's even harder because i'll be on the other side of the country. 

I got an email from him tonight asking what city i would be in when i move to Mass, because he wants to check out places they could stay in an RV when they come visit. I told him it wasn't a for sure thing, that i'm still waiting to figure it out to see if it's right. And he just tells me that "if it makes it easier for you, follow your heart and love what you do, for passion is the key to success." Then he ends the message with "Mom and I love you so much and are very proud of you." 

It's crazy how you can go so long thinking that someone doesn't support you. My father just told me to follow my heart, and to follow my passion. I've never heard him say this to me before, it's usually more like "you should be an accountant."

This is such a bittersweet email. My father has finally silenced my doubts about my dreams, and told me to basically go for it. And he has told me he is proud of me. But it also means that i'm leaving, and won't be with them all the time. 

I know that it may suck not to see them. But my very black and white, must be a logical, steady, stable job, dad just gave me the green light to follow my dreams. I'm not going to stop now. 

I Move to Be With My Father

Chapel today was a huge wake up call. Well, at least more than usual. 

This woman spoke about her experience with going to Indonesia to love on women who are being sold into prostitution daily. 

After telling us this amazing story of love and compassion, she reads a letter she wrote to the school about compassion. 

A letter that is full of conviction to move. A letter that told the whole school that we need to move out with compassion. 

We need to be where the Father is. 

Like in the story of the Prodigal Son, the other son who stayed and was faithful, though he was doing what his father was asking of him, his father wasn't even there. The son was in the house doing who knows what, and the father was moved by compassion to go to his returning son and to celebrate his coming home. 

She spoke about this moving because of compassion. She tells us that we all desire this comfortable home, but that God will not be there, he won't give us this comfort. He wont be in the house with the fireplace and the warm cozy couch. He will be out in the road in the wind, waiting for us to follow because of compassion, to follow because we know the Lord isn't there anymore. God has moved, and we need to follow Him with compassion. 

Yesterday, i was speaking to one of my pastors, the one from Massachusetts. And i basically poured out my heart to her telling her i had no idea what i was going to do. Then she asked what my options were, and i told her either go to Massachusetts where every bit of me would be stretched and shaped and grown, or go home. At home i would have the comfort of my family and my friends, but at Massachusetts i would be where i would grow.

I told her that in the past, i've always made decisions that would cause the most growth. This message was the perfect thing that i could have heard today. The "home" that this woman spoke of today, is the city of Hollister for me. The smooth country road, and the past, and everything i know. And going out, is this place in Massachusetts, where i would finally be forced to start living my dreams, where i would move to be with my Father. I can't stay in Hollister because that's not where my Father is anymore, He's moved out, and moved on to more, and i need to follow Him. Because if there is one thing i will always do in my life, i move to be with my Father.  

Dream With Me

Today i was in my Organizational Dynamic class. It may sound boring... and well, it kind of is sometimes, but this class was actually interesting. 

We talked about certain types of motivational theories in the organizations. Motivation, something that propels you to do something. Kind of. 

So, i'm sitting there in class and i'm thinking about my future, and how i basically expect these opportunities to be handed to me. I want to be a recording artist, but i'm not perfecting my songs or trying to record them on my school's campus where it's free. I want to be a writer, but i've yet to finish any of the books i've started writing. And i have an amazing opportunity to go to Massachusetts, and i'm expecting some other thing to come along and take my mind off of the overly humid but lovely home of the Patriots. 

I need to get off my butt and do something. I need to make decisions, and make plans, and work harder than i am. 

I need to charge forward and hope for the best. I need to have faith that once i throw myself out there that everything i need will be provided for if i make room for God to provide. I need to plant the seeds and wait for the rain. I need to prepare for what God is going to bring. 

So as i'm sitting there in my classroom, i have this surge of motivation. This motivation that nothing can stop me. That i know whatever decision i make i can still live my dreams if i work really hard to make them happen. 

Dreams don't fall into your lap. Is basically what i've been learning this year. Dreams don't just happen. You will rarely find someone who tells you they are living their dreams, but didn't do anything to get there. 

So this is the beginning. This is where the motivation starts. Where i can begin to live my dreams, by working my butt off to get there. 

Doubting A Promise That Was Never Said

Last night i wrote a song in hopes that it could be used for some random low budget movie. 

It's called "For David." There is a story behind that, and i will get to that right now.

In freshmen year of high school (i think), i wanted to know who my future husband was. I know, hopeless at such a young age.

Well, i prayed to God before i went to bed, i asked him to give me a dream of my future husband.

And, well, he did, at least i thought.

There was this guy, dark hair, bright eyes, looking down at me with admiration. What i've always wanted. To be loved for being me. And from what it seemed in my dream, he did. And his name was David.

I had this dream once. Once. And i've held on to it for almost seven years. I'm twenty-one now, and i've never had a legit boyfriend, and i've also never been kissed. At this point i could care less. No really i COULD care less, because i care a lot.

I wish i cared less is what i'm trying to say.

But about this song. I finally spoke out what i felt. I wrote the song for someone else's story, with my feelings. I pour out my heart for the past seven years. Wanting to know this guy that i met in my dreams. Wanting to see him in person, or finally meet him so we can start our life together.

As i wrote the lyrics to "For David" i realized that i kind of always knew that the dream i had that night was from my subconscious. Right? Am i wrong to think that? I've lived this way for such a long time. Wondering if it's a promise in the form of a dream, or if it was just my mind and David will be stuck in there forever. I doubt it. I doubt that he's real, everyday. Whenever i see someone who slightly resembles him, i get anxious and then can't even bring myself to talk to them.

It's like this dream has completely given me this hope for a man in the future, but has also crippled me to the point where if he did exist i would never talk to him.

This song acknowledges the fact that it's all a dream. But pours out the need for it to be real. The need for this person on the other side to be seen in real life. To be found.

The bridge says this:

"As i run, i will disappear into the sun. Just to get to you, another dimension. I'll fly for years in the sky, just to find you. I've gotta find you." 

The lyrics are a bit weird, but how else do you expect to find someone who only exists in your dreams?

Now, i'm not fantasizing about some guy in my dream. I'm just telling a story. A story of a young girl who had a dream, that may or may not have been a promise from God. Or at least a good enough answer to hold me over until i was old enough to understand the truth. 

Year after year, i have had it drilled into my brain that there is no such thing as "the one." That we choose who we want to be with, and we work hard to make it love, and make the marriage work. After every mouth that opened to tear down my dreams of "the one" little by little, David started to disappear. 

I want to say that i would wait for David. But he's not real. Not that i know of at least. So i give up. 

I give up. And i let him go, after seven years. 

Wow. Who was to know that this is where this blog post would turn up. Me giving up on a dream that i thought was a promise. 

Giving it back to God, as he graciously gave me sweet dreams that night, and hoping that when the time comes, i will choose someone who truly makes me happy. 

I know that there will always be David. But he was just a dream. 

Movies

I'm sitting on the couch in my dorm room, alone, contemplating my life... like always. 

When i glance over at my shelf full of movies. At least seventy of them, all waiting to be borrowed, watched, and put back to collect dust. 

I don't know when my obsession started, probably somewhere around freshmen year. When i discovered that Target had five dollar movies, and i had a steady pay check. Buy three at a time and seventy movies later you have a mini collection that you don't really watch all the time. 

Think about it, you have your favorites, but then all of the other ones just sort of sit there, neglected. It's sad. 

But it doesn't stop you from grabbing more and taking them to the checkout on black Friday. I mean... Not that you guys do that. 

You see, i realize all this, and yet i still have this weird thing where i want them. I want the movies that make me laugh. I want to see the stories that make you cry because they are so beautiful. I desire to see fighting scenes with aliens and superheroes flying through New York where the Tesseract is on the top of the Stark Tower. I LOVE being a nerd. I love having the Harry Potter movies (one day soon i will have the Star Wars collection as well). I love the idea of having movie nights with friends and having movies to choose from. People connect and relate to movies (most of the time). They come together and spend ten bucks to watch them on a huge screen for dates or even just by themselves (It's not weird guys!!) 

I understand that these are just movies. They aren't real life, even the ones based off of a true story are a little skewed. But i think that is where i find the beauty in it. People were so creative and so imaginative to come up with these movies that move other people to dream. Of course not all movies were made with such imagination, but you get my point. I think i love movies so much because of the wonderful stories i get to remember. I know that even though the movies i have sometimes sit and collect dust, they will always be sitting there waiting for me when i need a good laugh, or a good cry. 

Sometimes i watch movies to lose myself in them, and take a little break from reality, and that's alright. But if you're anything like me, you sometimes think that movies are unrealistic (but i totally love them anyways). Movies aren't real life, i know, i get it. But that does not mean that you can't dream the way the people in movies do, and it does not mean that good things only happen to people in movies. Good things happen to those who strive to make them happen. Even the actors in the movies had to work hard and audition for those roles. Every movie is an inspiration in the fact that so much work was put in to having it made. 

This is why i love movies so much. Let me just encourage you to go grab your favorite movie, and just take a break from reality for a while. Get lost in a wonderful movie, and dare to dream. 

Why am i here?

I'm sitting here in the Loop, our campus coffee chop. I'd call this post coffee shop revelations too, but see, this is where i'm looking for answers, not finding them. 

This weekend is preview weekend here at Life Pacific College, high school students galore. 

I see excited faces, people talking excessively about how they are going to love it when they come here. 

Here i am a senior in college, and i'm wondering what i'm doing here. 

I take classes because i have to. The only classes i've been remotely interested in were art, music, or counseling. 

And there were multiple classes that were a flop because the teacher wasn't super interesting. 

I am a senior in college, and i don't remember why i came here. 

Well i remember wanting a music and worship minor, and then getting here to find out they took away the minors. 

And now they are bringing back a worship major. The year after i leave. 

I mean, maybe God somehow worked it out to where i wouldn't take a worship major or minor. I don't know. 

All i know is that i'm going to graduate with a degree that i partially don't understand, and a pastoral license that i don't even intend to use in any formal setting at a church. 

I want to be a worship leader. I grew up loving music. 

I led worship in high school with my youth pastor. 

Maybe i didn't need those classes or minors or majors to understand what worship leading is. 

Maybe being trained so closely by my youth pastor gave me all the knowledge i need.

Maybe, i'm already a worship leader...

I don't know honestly. 

But i'm graduating, and i don't know why i'm here, or where i'm going. 

I know i'm going to get there, and i know that i'll have a degree. 

But i don't have this strange passion to learn like most people here. 

I've realized in the past months and even year, that i basically paid 40K to come to this school, to come out of my shell.

Ask anybody in my quad, or anyone who knows me even just a little bit, and they will tell you that i've come so far. 

I'm not shy like i used to be. I've found out stuff about myself that i never would have otherwise. 

I am more confident. I became closer to God. 

And at this point, i may not know what i'm going to do with my life, but i know who i am. 

I am a daughter of our Lord. 

I love. I'm alive in Christ. I am stronger than i thought. I was made for more than i could ever imagine. I get so scared about what is going to happen after i graduate and i need to keep reminding myself that i was made for more than i could ever imagine, and i know that whatever i do, it's going to be completely amazing, because God is in it, and he wouldn't have me do anything that wasn't on my heart. 

I came to LIFE, and i found myself. I found God. I found lifelong friends. I found meaning. And i found out that i was made for more.

40K well spent. 

Where is home?

Is home where you were born? 

Is home where your family is?

Is home where your friends are?

Is home where your heart leads you to to make you grow?

Is home where you interned once, and felt like you were living your dreams leading worship and you can't forget any face that you encountered there?

Guys, i'm struggling. Really bad. 

I think i wanted to just back out. 

I have this amazing opportunity to go back to Massachusetts and do a year long program, or maybe stay longer, and i am thinking about turning it down. Am i running? 

I have no idea. 

While i was there the pastor gave a sermon about how God gives us freedom to choose where we go and sometimes, either choice is good, and either choice could make us happy. 

Knowing this, i think i wanted to just go home. I wanted to forget i ever fell in love with the people in Massachusetts and just get on with my life, two streets away from my beautiful nephew. 

I wanted to be by my family, and know that i'll have a safe place to come home to. And i want to keep my wonderful couch. 

But i had made my decision! I told people, i didn't want to go back. 

But then why am i still haunted by dreams of me returning to my church family in Massachusetts and being completely content? 

So i pull up the program poster, the poster for the program i helped set up, with intentions of going back. And i'm completely broken, and i feel a need to keep myself up all night just to make this decision. 

I actually just took time to see how long of a drive it would be from Washington where i'll be attending a friends wedding. 

It's like i want to, but i'm afraid. 

I'm afraid of moving on with my life. Leaving this place i gave four years of my life to. 

Leaving the reach of my parents. 

Not seeing my nephew for a very long time. Maybe once a year. 

It breaks my heart. But i'm thinking i can do it. I can at least give up a year of my life and see if i can do it. 

It will take honesty with how i feel. It will take pulling myself up by my bootstraps. And it will most definitely take a box of tissues when i tell my mother. It will take faith. But i think that is what is most important at this point. Having faith, that God is going to work it all out, no matter what state i'm in.

I think i know. I think i've always known. I also think that they always knew. That i would be coming back. 

The Risk of Raising Your Hand, Or Following Your Dreams

I sit here waiting. As the nerves come to the surface I try to slow my breathing and I try to stop my hands from shaking violently. It came to my realization that I was completely ridiculous and that I needed to get over myself. But, nevertheless, my time came. The Teacher asked who wanted to go next, and what did I do? I raised my hand.

I’m an introvert. I’m an internal processor, and I like small groups and sometimes being in class with a lot of people stresses me out. But there is one very important thing you need to know about me. I never raise my hand. Never. Usually I just wait to be called on or for the conversation to come my way, but never do I command the floor, or in this case by raising my hand, the whole class. But I did it. I raised my hand. I actually faced my fears of speaking in class and having all eyes, rather ears, on me. I shared my thoughts, and the teacher agreed. “Yes!” I thought to myself, “you did it! You raised your hand in class and got everything out that you wanted to say!” Then guess what happened?

 Another Student Disagreed. As if it wasn’t hard enough to raise my hand and talk in class, I had to sit through someone critiquing my answer. Excuse me, I just went out on an extremely long limb here and you are criticizing my opinion. Then I realized, this always happens. In fact, this happens to everyone, not just to me.

We will live our whole lives overcoming fears, or taking risks and then come to find that not everyone agrees with us. So what! I sat there feeling like this person was completely tearing me down, when really he just didn’t agree with something I said, he wasn’t tearing me down, he was explaining why he didn’t agree with what I said.

Just because he didn’t agree with me doesn’t mean I need to stop raising my hand. If someone doesn’t agree with you it’s not the end of the world. In my case, if I let this guy discourage me to the point where I never raise my hand again, what happens to everything else in my life? Can you imagine if someone disagreed with my desire to play music, or to write teen fiction and I was just like, “shoot, they disagree, I shouldn’t do it.”

I have dreams, and those dreams are really risky. I have a voice and things to say with that voice, if someone doesn’t approve of what really matters to me am I just going to stop using my voice?

Where there is obedience, there will be opposition. I interned at a church this summer, and the pastor spoke on the obedience of the Holy Spirit. This message was all I thought about today while debating writing this post. When we are obedient to the Holy Spirit, there is going to be opposition to try and set back the will of God; that was the bulk of the message. Well, I thought maybe my raising my hand and actually speaking up and using my voice was my being obedient to the Holy Spirit. Which means the discouraging feeling I got from the guy disagreeing with me was the opposition.

 In my decisions in life, I will always look for opposition, and charge right on through. Because of this message, and even this experience I had today, I know that life is going to throw some big things to try and get in the way of my dreams. I need to know in those times, to not listen to others criticism (unless it’s constructive), but rather listen to my heart, and walk in the knowledge that God has given these dreams to me for a reason. The enemy will try everything he can to derail them if they will bring gory to God’s kingdom.

Always Hope

I thinks humans are just made to be able to withstand pain.This is just my opinion, obviously, that's what blogs are for, opinions, or crazy random happenstances. But anyways. Yes, I do believe that God made humans to be able to withstand great and severe amounts of pain. Especially women. But that's all I'm going to say about that. You see, I hear all these stories about people and how they got a certain scar. And it's funny now, or at least it's a story to talk about. Isn't that what going through things is about? The story? The experience? The gain? It's hard to come to terms with the fact that we desperately need pain in our lives. We need the struggle. It's the only reason we grow. It's the only reason we prosper. It's the only way we see the light. We've felt pain, we've been in droughts, and we've walked in darkness. Then when we FINALLY see that little sliver of light, that hope that we have desperately needed, we sling shot forward, out of the darkness, the pain, and the drought. We can see the light and appreciate its beauty. And then somehow, all the suffering and the pain from being in the dark all seems worth it. And you have a story. And you've felt the hope and the warmth of light on your skin, so when you fall back into another darkness that's somehow even more pitch black, you have something to hold on to. But this time is different, even though it may seem harder, you now have the hope and you know it won't last forever, because you've seen the light before and you know it's there. So we all have these stories, and the dark times, and after every time our hope gets stronger and the light gets brighter and all together these stories complete our lives. Life spent in the pain that our being was made so wonderfully to withstand, and even in this pain, there is hope. Always hope.

Liebster Blog Award Nomination

Well, it appears as though i have been nominated for something. 

I would like to thank not only my roommate, but also my favorite blog who nominated me imjusttryingtolive.

The award has to do with getting to know bloggers better, and the rules are this:

1. You must link back to the person who nominated you.
2. You must answer the 10 Liebster questions given to you by the nominee before you.
3. You must pick 10 bloggers to be nominated for the award with under 200 followers.
4. You must come up with 10 questions for your nominees to answer.
5. You must go to their blogs and notify your nominees.

Okay, so i will try my best to do all these things.. I'm not even sure i know 10 bloggers. And i can't renominate someone who has been nominated already. So anywhoozers. 

Here are the questions Sara asked me:

1.) Why did you start blogging?
         I originally started this blog for many reasons. One of them being, I got too addicted to Tumblr and had to have something that didn't constantly have pretty pictures and funny gifs to always distract me from my homework, and my life. Two, blogs are somewhat cooler than just writing in your journal, it's a way to be vulnerable with people by sharing your heart. And lastly, i think i just got to the point where i wanted to share my life with people, whether they know me in person or not. 

2.) What is your favorite adventure idea?
         I think my favorite adventure idea would be just being completely spontaneous. Like i stated in my last blog post, i used to be spontaneous. It would probably be the best thing to just be someone who would be willing to just go when someone asks. I love going on adventures that include driving. I can see myself traveling a few states away with a friend, or maybe even flying to a random country that is chosen at the airport. Spontaneity all the way.
 
3.) What country would you live in if you could live anywhere?
         This question is going to get such a biased answer. Italy. I'm Italian, you all probably didn't know that. I would have gotten around to telling you anyways. But yes, I Michelle Wheelus, am a quarter Italian. I would love to go see the beautiful Italy. Venice would be pretty amazing i think. Maybe i'll meet a hot Italian man. ;) 

4.) What would you do if all your bills were covered, so you had no debt, and you had an extra $100,000?
         HA! Easy! I would buy the 1966' Mustang coupe that i've always wanted, baby blue, maybe stick, but it should probably have a nice stereo because of my love for music. Which brings me to the other thing i would get, the Gibson guitar i've always wanted. It's 3,000 dollars and i would never be able to justify buying it if i didn't have a buttload of money left. Then with the left over money, i would plan roadtrips, traveling in Europe, and independently releasing my own record. I may have gone over 100,000..... oooops .

5.) What superpower do you wish you had?
        I think it would be pretty awesome to be able to just learn. Think about it. Someone just hands you a guitar and minutes later you're a pro. What if you became like a pro at everything... Well, that actually would be no fun. Scratch that, TELEPORTATION!

6.) Why do you believe what you believe?
         The reason i believe what i believe is because of experience, usually. I believe in God, because i've experienced His love. I believe in love, because i've been completely immersed in it since the day i was born. I believe in life, because it was given to us so graciously. I believe in second chances, because i love people and know they are only human and they make mistakes. I don't, however, believe in fifth chances, because i'm not stupid. 

7.) What are you passionate about?
           I am passionate about almost everything. I think at this point i'm just passionate about life and i'm happy i get to have big dreams. I'm passionate about music, and beauty in the world. I'm passionate about the noise the toaster makes when it pops my Eggos up toasted to perfection. I'm passionate about the needle in my speedometer passing eighty-five. I'm passionate about the friends i have and dreaming of the future and the wonders it holds. Lastly, i'm passionate about Jesus, and why he came and died to give us all grace. I'm passionate about the life he gives. 

8.) What is you favorite movie?
           See, i could answer this question, but then i would have to subject the rest of my movie collection to being second best. And i just don't think i want to do that to them. 

9.) What is your fondest memory?
             My fondest memory huh? Well. I can't think of just one. Because to be honest, i don't have one super great memory that i always have when i think of the best times in my life. But the best times in my life would have to be when i'm sitting around with a group of friends just laughing. Obviously not at nothing. But you know those times where there is some huge joke and you all CANNOT stop laughing, and then you just end up laughing at other peoples laughs. And it's just this huge laugh fest? Well, those would be my favorite memories. But i actually did just think of a pretty good moment that does take the cake. =] The first time i heard my nephew laugh. I love laughter if you hadn't noticed. 

10.) Who was your first friend?
           My first friend was my best friend for years. Her name is Rachel. We're still Facebook friends, but we did drift apart. We used to play Dance Dance Revolution all the time, and we did our first talent show together in front of the whole school and it was completely humiliating. We went through a lot together and she was a wonderful first best friend. 

Here are the only people i follow with less that 200 followers:

Love Thy Introvert

Ryann Kunst

On A Mission

But they are also the ones i would have picked anyways ;) 

So my questions for you three. 

1. What's your favorite season and why?
2. What prompted you to start writing?
3. What are your two biggest passions?
4. If you could take a free flight anywhere right now, where would it be?
5. If there was a fire, and you could only grab three things from your house, what would you grab and why?
6. What is your favorite thing to do with friends?
7. If you had full control over your future, and had all the money to make your dreams come true, what would your future plans look like?
8. What is your favorite band?
9. What is your favorite joke that you tell everyone?
10. What is your favorite blog and why? 

Coffee Shop Revelations

I'm sitting in the Coffee Bean in Claremont Ca, talking to a friend over text. She expressed to me that she had been really tired lately.

But she asked how i was.

I replied "Same. Tired. But i think it's gonna be a good week..."

"haha why.?" she asked me.

"I don't know. I can just feel it."

Lately, i've felt like i've just been racing along trying to get everything done. Yet, though i've been racing around, it's seemed like life has been passing me by, like i haven't taken time to really enjoy where i am, or the people beside me.

Tonight i got the opportunity to go out to this coffee shop with a friend while she did her homework. I had planned on watching a movie on Netflix, like every other night. When we got here, we had conversations about friends, ourselves, and God. It was good conversation and it was much needed friend time.

I think i get so stuck in these little tiny rivets in life that seem like routine but really they are a bit of anti-social/paranoia. I used to be spontaneous, my freshmen year at least. I was in a new place and had made all new friends because i went to a school where i know no one. Well, take freshmen year and add three years and here i am at the beginning of my senior year wondering what i'm going to do with my life and making sure that my schedule is foolproof. I have work, church, classes, and then the extra time is made up of Netflix, sitting in my room on Pinterest, and/or creeping on Facebook.

However, today, i got to leave campus, and i got to hangout with a good friend and have good conversation. So as we sat talking and a silence came into the conversation, i took my opportunity to just ask a random question.

"Jenny" I said, "tell me what to do with my life!"

Okay, not really a question. But it needed an answer nonetheless.

She replied. "Record music."

Okay, check. She said something i love doing.

And then she told me, "disciple people."

Um, what? I sat there puzzled but just blurted out, "Why?"

She went in depth to tell me that i have the temperament, patience, and commitment to disciple people.

It was nice to hear that she thought i was strong enough emotionally and spiritually to be able to do so.

However she also threw in that she thought i was going to be a good mother. Which we made jokes about how i need to just have a baby right now, and then proceeded to jokingly ask a barista. Don't worry, he didn't hear us.

I think that in life, we just need those people you know? We need those people who are going to speak into us, or lovingly correct us, or give us a little guidance when we feel like we have no clue where we are going.

The smallest conversation can spark confidence, or a feeling of purpose.

So, i may be a little bit anti-social, but that will change.

Alright, i may be a little bit shy, and set in my routine, but there is always time to go out for coffee with a friend.

I may not be a very good guitar player, but i've got a voice that deserves to be heard, and a heart that is fully exposed in my songs.

I may have been tired for the past, well, my whole life.

But this week is going to be a good week. I can just feel it.

I tend to take certain things in my life and turn them into analogies to relate them to... my life...

"Well what do you mean?" She said to me, wondering what i actually meant. 

Recently i ordered an iPhone 5c, it's pink, it's 16gb, and it gets here today. Well i pre-ordered it last week and lets just say this has been the longest week of my life. 

As i made the realization that i am a terribly impatient person i realized that there are other things in my life i could relate this week to. 

So, i want a man, a good one. So i've waited somewhat patiently for the past, i don't know, twenty one years. 

Well the thing about this guy is that, i have no idea when he's going to come along, which is fine, but when you have that mindset you are always ready. He could show up next friday, or today, or five minutes from now when he walks into the coffee shop and accidentally spills his coffee on me so he has to buy me dinner. Not that i would want to date a man that clumsy ;)

But anyways, any moment in time he could show up. 

With my phone, i know when it's getting here, i knew it would get here this afternoon, so it made my whole week almost unbearable and made me impatient to no end. 

If i knew the person this guy was, or when he was going to get here. Could you imagine how impatient i would get. How much i would just want to drop everything and wait all week for him to get here? Good Lord that week would be the worst week of my life. And you can tell how much more important this man is than some dumb iPhone that will be worthless in a year. 

I'm impatient already, and knowing would only amplify it by like times twenty. 

So, sometimes i tend to take certain things in my life and relate them to other things in my life. 

But i'm not waiting for a phone here, i'm waiting for the man of my dreams, the one who is a little sarcastic, but gets my humor and laughs with me, the one who loves God more than anything. And knowing that, i will be perfectly fine waiting for him, for a long time. 

I already love him. 

Hilarious Introvert Comic!

This is basically me in a nutshell. Always wanting to have conversations in hypothetical situations.

Dreams? Or lack thereof...

I have dreams. I think. 

Every since i grew up, i think it was sort of just implied that i would be a rockstar...

At least that's what i wanted. 

I remember my first band, the Angels. 

We were in fifth grade and we wrote songs that had Avril Lavigne Beats and we would stand out by our tree at recess and all sing together. 

I got my first guitar the christmas of fifth or sixth grade. A black and white Yamaha electric. You know, one of those cheapy costco bundles. 

But nevertheless i loved it. 

My friend taught me C, G, and D. But i eventually learned Em which remains my favorite chord to this day. 

After that another friend and I had a band called Driice. Dri Ice. Yes i know. Terrible name. 

I went through middle school and high school writing songs and getting somewhat better at guitar. 

Then i joined the worship team in my youth group and got mentored by my youth pastor. 

I still had a band with a few added friends, but we didn't really practice or perform except for talent shows at church, so the worship team was my main focus. 

I have always loved music, and writing songs, and singing like there was no tomorrow. 

I still have a huge binder of all the old songs i have written and couldn't throw away. If i combined some and made them better, i could have a whole career in one binder. 

I loved worshipping God. I love singing praises and writing songs that show my heart for Him. 

I love leading worship. 

I love performing my songs. 

I love getting recognized as a good singer. Sometimes we need reassurance. 

I know that God has given me gifts and dreams and maybe even a vision. 

So... What do i do? 

I think that when i grew up i stopped wanting to be a rockstar because i figured when i accepted God into my heart that my dreams no longer mattered because i was going to do what God wanted me to do, and i had no say. 

But we all know that verse, that God will give us the desires of our hearts right? Well, doesn't he technically put those desires there....? Haha. I'm serious. 

I have had the hardest time trying to figure out what i'm going to do after i graduate. And i really want to have something amazing just fall into my lap so i can go with it. And i've been told that when waiting for an opportunity from God, to write everything you want out so that God knows what you want yes, but also that when the opportunity comes by, you won't miss it because you don't know what it looks like. 

So here it is: 

I want to be part of something big. I want to lead worship, yes, but i want people to hear my music that isn't necessarily worship music. I would love to record my music and i would love for it to reach people. I want people to understand my heart when they hear my music. I want a good job that i love and that will pay the bills. I would love to be a youth leader and try and help others figure out what they love doing an encourage it. I want a duet. Yes it sounds weird. But i've always wanted one person who compliments me perfectly to sing with me, this person could also be the love of my life, but i'm just dreaming here. I want to be close to my family. I want to be able to drive and see my nephew and hear his wonderful adorable laugh. I want to be able to see my family when i want, not just once a year. I want a cute little studio apartment that i can make my own, but i would also like to have a roommate. I would love to work in a local music store, or a random coffee shop, just for the experience. I want to play at open mic nights and maybe get signed. I want people to be able to relate to me through my music, and i would love to be able to talk to people over coffee about it. I want relationships! I want friends that pour into me that i can pour right back into. I want encouragements, and positivity, and pursuing. I want to be the best person i can be. I want to glorify God with every step that i take. I want to please Him. I want people to see Him in me and i want Him to reach people through me. I want a Christ centered life. I want to be adventurous and courageous to go out by myself and meet people and start relationships. I want what's best for me. I know i was Made for More than being scared, or anxious about decisions i have to make.

So these are some of my dreams. Now i'm just waiting for something to come into my path and for me to recognize it as my next step. 

Beautiful..?

"You look beautiful today" She said to me as i took a bit of my morning oatmeal.

Just a compliment to make me feel better, right?

But where does my mind immediately go?

Today?

Why do we go there?

Why do we, when someone tells  us we look beautiful, or handsome, or good today, why do we immediately go to the negative?

I answer her back saying, "just today, got it!"

And then she replied, "Well, especially beautiful today."

Reassuring.

This summer was a summer of growth for me, with singing, and with being in a church setting.

But more than anything, i grew in my self-respect and confidence.

I think grew out of the person who hated looking at herself in the mirror.

I know that God made me and that in itself makes me beautiful.

I am God's daughter and that title is beautiful.

My identity is in Christ, who is a wonderful powerful savior.

What does that make me? Ugly? Fat? a waste of skin? NO!

I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I AM beautiful!

There is no reason why, when someone tells you you look beautiful today, you need to think it only means you are beautiful on that day.

There is always someone who will think you are beautiful. Because you are. Always. No matter how thrown together you feel, or if you don't have make-up on.

You are beautiful. I think you are beautiful.

Take the steps today to believe it yourself. You have so much to offer, so don't let your doubts about your looks interfere with what God made you for.

Because YOU are beautiful.

This is Me

We all have those friends who take pictures of us. And then we beg to see the camera so we can, after, beg them to delete the awkward angle/fat looking/ double chin photos.

We've all done it. I'm sure.

This picture was taken a few months ago when i was hanging out with my soon to be roommate and friend of three years.

We went up to the mountains and we took pictures, mostly of random poses, or me and my other roommate at the time fake flashing the winding road below.

But this picture in particular stood out to me among the ones she showed me right away.

I look truly happy don't I?

I had this picture as my profile picture for a long time because it does truly portray who i am in one picture. I LOVE to laugh.

It's not the most flattering of pictures, i mean i don't think i look bad, but it's not classic "pretty."

But i sure look happy, and i know that at the time i was.

Seeing this picture encourages me to strive for the happiness that i had.

Sure i complained about being single. But now i just think, "who the heck cares?"

No one else cares that i'm single why should I? It's like some idea engraved on our brains when we are little, that we need guys or girls to make us happy. We NEED the love of our lives! Well, as i stated in my last blog post, i already have mine.

And i'm going to choose to be this me. To be myself.

Someone who laughs at almost everything, someone sarcastic, someone who loves what i love and i don't need to change it for anyone.

I'm happy. Because i choose to be.

Love of My Life

How can they not notice?

She's sitting alone, you can see it in her eyes, she's dying inside.

Past loves left her dry and future loves leave her hanging on tomorrow hoping he'll come along or wishing that the fire she sits in front of would sweep her into the flames if he doesn't truly exist.

Does he exist though?

This man who will make her truly happy?

A man who will care for her and hold her when she needs the comfort she needs now.

A man who will lead, and pray, and love, without ceasing.

Does he exist?

She sits there wondering if she'll ever not be alone, as she sits on a crowded beach, with "friends" all around her.

Hold me, she whispers into the air hoping that no matter where he is he can hear her and feel her pain.

As she feels the fire-warmed wind brush past her face and push her hair from her face.

She knows he is there.

The one who truly cares, truly loves, and will always give her joy.

Her Lord who encompasses her with his presence as she longs for a love that has never and will never be extinguished.

She sits content with her feet buried in the sand and stares at the fire watching the flames rise up, as the fire in her heart begins to stir.

The love of God fills her, and she is finally satisfied. 

She has found the love of her life. 

Addictions

Addictions are our attempts to fill the void. 

Addiction is my attempt to fill the void in my heart. 

The loneliness, the impatience, the hurt. 

My past and my childhood basically set me up for a failure. It set me up to give in, to lose control, to have my life completely lost. 

My childhood set me up to have an addiction, a sexual addiction. 

As hard as it is to say, i was addicted, or am, or i don't know. 

Addiction in my life, is the thing i go to when i get lonely, or upset, or something i just figure i can get momentary pleasure out of. 

I even see it in others with drugs and drinking, even those that gamble. 

It completely tears you apart. And for what?!?

God made us in His image, an image that by giving in to addictions has been disgraced. 

Countless times, i give in to my addictions. 

No more than a minute later i feel so ashamed and wish that i could take the whole thing back. But i can't. 

I can be wiped clean. I can be forgiven. 

But it doesn't change the fact that i've done it again, and now it will be even more difficult for me to say no to it in the future. 

I think my life would be a whole lot easier if i were just honest with myself and others. 

I can't watch sex scenes in movies. I can't hear foul words about genitalia and sex. 

I can't see naked people because it will forever be engraved in my brain. 

I lust. I take action on those lusts. 

And i give up. 

I lay it all down completely to God because in the end He's the only one who can help me. He's the only one who can forgive me, because He's the only one who sees. 

I'm sorry if it's disgusting, but it's honest. 

It's my life, it's my struggles. 

My doubts. 

But i think the more openly i can say it on the internet, the more open with myself and others i can be as to why i have to have such boundaries. 

Today

Today held new things. 

I was happy. Yet most of the day, and even now i'm alone. 

No need to please anyone, or do anything i don't want to. 

I hate being guilted, or manipulated to hanging out with people. 

And lately i feel like it's been like that a lot. 

I've been home for two weeks and i think this has been the first day i've actually been alone. Time for myself. Getting to be in peace i guess. 

It's not that i don't enjoy company, because i do. But when it's forced, or loud and obnoxious company? Yeah yeah...

I know i complain a lot. But this is really my only vice. It's not like i'm going to broadcast my feelings all over Facebook, or to everyone around me. 

Sometimes i need to be alone. Sometimes i just want to straight up tell people i don't feel like hanging out, not just with them (or maybe) but in general. Does that make me a bad person? 

Okay, i'm going to be completely transparent for a minute. Throughout highschool i had a couple toxic friendships. Friendships that consisted of lies, manipulation, false fronts, deceit, breaking trust, and people going behind my back. 

However, i forgave and somewhat forgot. What i could anyways. And these people are still my friends, closeish friends. I don't think they truly understand what they put my through, or what consequences have been evident in my life since. 

I have major trust issues, and i can always tell when people are trying to guilt me or manipulate me. I can tell if you're being fake. I can tell when you are lying or making up stories. No, i'm not a lie detector. I'm just saying, i've been around the block and i know. 

So all that said, quite bluntly i apologize, i can't stand more than a few hours being with people who have hurt me that much. I am kind of getting to the point where i almost can't at all. So much still feels fake, or seems like a show. 

So yeah, time alone is good.