Get The Hell Out

Recently a lot of stuff has been happening. By recently I mean, basically this whole fall into winter.

This past fall season, I took on more responsibilities at The Station.

Two new employees moved into the staff house and both were coincidentally in first year at the school of ministry.

Things seemed to be going good. Not too many hiccups.

Then Christmas break came. And all hell broke loose.

It seemed as though both of these people began making choices that didn't reflect a Godly lifestyle. 

If you know me at all, you know that I am not a very vocal person when it comes to my opinion or when I disagree with someone.

So all I did was sit back, and listen, and watch them break the camp rules.

I listened to the struggles. I listened to them both tell me that they didn't really get why there were such rules, and how they wanted to keep living in those lifestyles. Because they chose to keep living in those lifestyles, they ended up getting asked to leave The Station.

Eventually, the school of ministry pulled the plug on first year for them.

As all this is going on, I feel like I'm barely holding on to my sanity. Two people, that yes were making bad decisions, but I still shared life with were getting kicked out, or having the floor fall out from underneath them because the school was everything to them.

So I listened more. Still listening even though I had crap of my own that I was dealing with.

I got a dog. Wasn't ready. Took it back. Tried not to fall apart. Was pretty okay. Turned 25. Had a good day. Endured the worst winter I've ever imagined. Became one of the only employees at the camp besides the director. Wanted to quit my other job. Didn't quit my other job. Still want to quit my other job. Trying to find traction in my relationship with God. Hoping that I'm being stable enough for people to count on. Got sick. Fell apart on my boss. Had a mini breakdown. Hoped that it would go away on it's own. Feeling the weight of everything build up until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. Prayed that God would restore my joy. God restored my joy. Someone asked me what was wrong. Started feeling like something was actually wrong when I thought I was fine.

So much has been going on in my life, and I'm still trying to find out how to process it all.

I think that there are so many lies that I keep letting into my heart, and then I keep believing them.

So here is goes. I'm going to speak truth.

It was not my fault. I did not make them make those choices.

I am strong enough to hold down the fort, despite everyone else around me falling apart and making stupid decisions.

I am stable. You can be stable and still sometimes need to cry. It's totally normal and a part of life.

I am steadfast. I can be trusted. I can be there for people. I can be counted on.

I am beautiful. I am wanted. I am home for people. I have a mothers heart. I am a daughter of the king. I am a warrior.

So here's what I say to all the lies.

The doubts. The anxiety. The depression. The fear. The second guessing myself. The little tiny things that sneak into my mind and make me feel like I'm not good enough just as I am.

Get the hell out.

How is it possible, that I can't stop caring?

Somewhere along the way, I think I lost my ability for self-preservation. I think I've lost my ability to say no, and I've lost my hope that anything can come of all this.

I get to the point where I would fight for you. I would defend you with every last breath, even if they are right. Even if everything they say is true. I would defend you.

Not a day goes by where you don't mention some girl who means a little bit more to you, at least for that second.

I'm back and forth, up and down, and yet, you're always there, and I'm always wanting you to be.

I always want you to be there. Hear your voice. See your smile when you're making fun of me.

You infuriate me more than most, and yet you make me smile a lot more than the rest.

You make awful things seem cool and sometimes you wishing to seem cool to others makes me feel awful.

I think that you don't get it. You don't understand how truly great you are. You don't see how your big heart could be meant for someone who is going to appreciate it, instead of young girls who are going to use it for their benefit.

I so desperately want you to see what I see.

I want you to see the dedication, the drive, the heart, the light and the beauty that I see in you.

You are so much better than trying to fit in with the people who will never be what you truly need. The people who live the lifestyle because they don't know what real love truly is. God's love.

And you know His love. You can be such a light for His love. You can spread hope, and joy, and you can be so much more than just someone who tries to fit into the mold that the world has set before you.

You are so much better than this. You deserve so much more than this.

Yes I've said all this before. You don't know the extent of my heart behind it, but you know that I care. At least there's that.

I care about you. I care if you get hurt, or if there's a girl you're interested in who is seriously not good enough for you. I care if your dreams come true. I care if you leave and I care if you stay. I care...

Good For You, Bad For You, and Not Good Enough For You....

Over the past couple of months, I have had a couple realizations. As crushes come and go, and even almost more than crushes, I have seen how I've reacted to three different types of people.

The one who is good for you.

This guy and you, well, you clicked. It wasn't some thing where you were both in some tragic event together, or have some haunted history. This could probably be seen as the one that's your best friend. You have the same interests, and you can really talk.

This person is the one that drives you crazy in a good way. The one who gets you, and who encourages you, and even puts you before themselves. They truly care.

Then you have the one who is bad for you.

This guy may be a bit of a narcissist. Completely lost in his life, and his goals, and his image. You could be totally lost in his eyes for sure, but there really isn't much staring back at you but hope for some form of validation.

This guy is the one that you sort of just stumbled upon. You didn't really mean to have a thing for him, but here you are hoping that you didn't make it awkward by grabbing his hand in the car, and just wishing that he would give you some form of affection that encouraged your feelings that they weren't in it alone.

Then you have the one who is not good enough for you.

This one may be harder to catch. It can be a mixture of the two listed above. It could be some great friendship, and some unspoken attraction, but deep down there really isn't the thing that you need. The thing that you dreamed about for so long. The pursuit. The chasing. Him fighting to be the one that you choose.

He just isn't that guy. He's either too caught up in his own fear of being rejected, or just doesn't understand your value and the fact that he should be so lucky as to steal your attention for just a minute, let alone your whole life.

Every since my teenage years, I had this idealistic view of boyfriends, and husbands, and  guys that would be the ones to pursue and make their feelings known.

As a woman about to turn 25 years old. I have yet to encounter this mystical creature I shall call "the one."

I have yet to meet a guy who has that thing about him. The one who has the fight. The one who isn't scared. The one who isn't too caught up in himself and thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. And if you know me, that would be some major feat because I love bread.

Today I realized that the person who is in front of me now, isn't good enough for me. He's a little bit bad for me. You see, I am 24 years old, and I'm waiting around for this child of a man to grow up. No no. This is not how it should be.

Somehow, the three guys mentioned above are all one in the same. Sure three different people, but coincidentally, they seep into each category. You see, on paper they can all be separated, but when you add the feelings and the beliefs, it gets tricky.

You see the one who is good for me, really isn't because we have different beliefs that would tear us apart later in life anyways, so really he would be bad for me, and in the end because of our beliefs, it just wouldn't be good enough anymore.

The second guy, is bad for me, but somehow he makes me feel good about myself. He makes me feel comfortable and he makes me laugh, and when he's not talking about himself he's a legitimately deep person, and a deeply caring person.

And the last guy, the one that I could have seen so much of the world with. We could have talked about anything, and our dreams could have aligned. In the end, he didn't have the fight, he was afraid. He was caught up. And he made me feel as though I wasn't good enough. And in turn, he was placed in the last category.

So, as I enter my twenty-fifth year of life, I vow to wait. I vow to whole heartedly be patient with my forever. Because it is forever. Why would I settle for someone who is good for me, bad for me, and not good enough for me?

When I can wait for the one who is perfect for me...

Welcome Back to Freedom

So, it's been a while. For those of you that read my ramblings.

It's November 12, and I've been in school for about a month and a week.

This year has been completely different than last year.

Where first year at MLSSM is based on identity and our foundation, second year is based on leadership and growing us in that area.

So this year so far, has been me being thrown into leadership in different places of my life.

However, as interesting as that all is, it's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the struggle.

The struggle that I've faced with holding onto my identity and my joy.

Brace yourself for the seemingly endless rambling.

These past couple of weeks have felt very off. I had felt very off.

I was easily irritated, I actually at one point was so peeved that I felt like I was going to explode on someone.

Through all of this I did manage to somewhat hang on to my sanity. I didn't tear anyones head off.

I didn't know what it was, but something was wrong. Everyone else could tell because people kept asking me if I was okay.

I kept saying yes, and that I was only tired, but no. I was not okay.

On Thursday we do worship time in The Station office before we work. And my boss Rachel prayed and asked us all if we had any prayer requests. I took this opportunity to open up with people and be vulnerable.

I wasn't okay. I felt like somewhere along the way I had agreed with something and let it back into my life and it was drastically affecting me. I was full of negativity and I didn't know why. So I shared this with the team.

After I shared, Rachel told me that she had seen the shift in me a couple of weeks before. It wasn't until that moment and her saying that, that it clicked. I knew what I had done.

I don't know how far back I shared this with all of you, but in high school and college I struggled a lot with lust. But more specifically I struggled with acting on lust. Now I've never had a boyfriend, or any relations with men, so people automatically assume that I don't struggle with anything like that. Actually people often think I don't struggle with anything and that I'm perfect. Another impossible pressure on my life. I will never be perfect.

Anyways. A couple weeks ago I slipped up. I slipped up and then immediately after I repented from what I had done. I apologized for willingly allowing lust to come between me and my Father. However, even though I repented, the shame stayed.

I had invited shame back into my life and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me self-conscious. It made me angry at myself and then I was easily angered by others. The self-hatred snuck back in. I felt my body changing. I was breaking out like crazy and I felt awful and worst of all, my joy wasn't there. The thing that I fought so hard to get back, somehow slipped from my grasp.

As the team began to pray, I began praying in my spiritual language. My Swiss roommate struggled with sharing her testimony as I did, and so I prayed for both of us, that we would receive freedom to share our testimonies that would bring others freedom.

Rachel prayed freedom over me, freedom from fear. The joy was prayed back into my life. Once we were done praying and I had cried a whole buckets worth of tears, I felt it. My joyful spirit was back.

Normally after you cry you still have that sorrowful feeling of what you were crying about. But this, it just seemed the more I cried, the more freedom I received back. The more freedom I claimed back. I noticed, the rest of Thursday that I felt lighter. I felt freer. I felt joyful. When I looked in the mirror that day, I felt beautiful again. I felt like I could look at myself and honestly say that I loved who I was.

Yesterday I spent a good three hours talking with a friend about my dreams and what I believe God is doing in my life. I was talking into God's destiny for me. I came home and realized that my skin was clearing up. It had been one day. One day of freedom and my whole life seemed turned around, back on the right path.

I have passion for my future again. I have passion to help people again and love people again. If this is my welcome back to freedom, I'm never going to take it for granted again. I'm never going back.

You are Worthy

For years I've waited. I've been the patient one. I didn't jump in for fun.

For years I've waited. I was the wise one. Though nothing I ever advised was done.

For years I've waited. To be told I'm loved. By someone who wasn't supposed to.

Now I stand on the edge. I stand on the precipice of what has been in my life and what could be. I stand on the edge as you look at me.

I've always told others to jump in and go for it. To say how they felt and they wouldn't regret it.

And here I am wanting to tell you that I like you, but thinking that their case and mine are not the same.

My life is different, I've always argued. They were the pretty ones. And I was there wishing that I was.

Now, however, everything has changed. I know who I am and what I am capable of.And I know that I am beautiful.

I know that sometimes things don't work out, but that doesn't mean we don't go for them.

Sometimes people don't feel the same, but that shouldn't bring us to the conclusion that we are not worthy.

You are worthy. And I am worthy.

And all I want right now is to tell you that I see your worthiness.

I see how you struggle but I'm here to tell you, you are wonderful.

I see the little things that make me laugh, the little things that somehow make me feel more worthy. I want to be the one who makes you laugh. The one who points you towards God in everything.

You are worthy. And so am I.

So even if I open my lips and say I like you, and you don't say yes, I know I'll be just fine.

Caught Up

Sometimes I let things take over. I let feelings steer the whole car and I sit back and watch myself crash and burn.

I get caught up.

I get caught up in words. In actions. In things that don't call for reading into, and yet, here I go.

I overanalyze.

and I'm done.

I'm done trying to read into actions.

I'm done trying to read between the lines of what someone says.

I am honestly sick of myself trying to tell if someone had an underlying meaning in something innocent they said to me.

I need to just take people for their words. I need to take it all at face value.

I can't live a life where I think that someone likes me, or rather, doesn't like me because they said something in a certain tone.

I refuse to constantly think that someone is mad at me because they aren't talking, when really, maybe they just don't want to talk.

My internal processor has really run away with all of this. I blame being an introvert.

Maybe this is my life test. Shutting down my mind long enough to realize I'm being completely ridiculous.

But also shutting down outside encouragements and other peoples over analyzing.

Sometimes we just need to take a person for their word. And no one else's.

But maybe that's just me...

Words With Friends

Today I had a conversation with a couple of friends about, well, liking people. We shared stories, and talked about views on how to go about telling people you like them.

I didn't necessarily disagree with anything that was said. I mean I do think it would be nice if a woman didn't have to make the first move, but I don't think that men have to be the only ones to.

I know in the past I've put myself out there first. It was always kind of awkward for me. I would like people and I guess I would want to be with them. But when I would open up and say that I liked them, I didn't necessarily expect a response, or ask them if they liked me back.

I think I just assumed that if they liked me back they would tell me.

My friend mentioned that he thought girls should be the ones to tell the guys they liked them. Because guys are less likely to get weirded out and feel they need to act differently.

Women on the other hand could and probably would change their whole schedule so they didn't bump into you on the way to class and give you the wrong idea. (I may or may not have done this).

I guess it's true. At least for me. Every time I've told someone I liked them, I was actually the one to back off. They could have said they were flattered but only liked me as a friend and I would get awkward and weird and stop going out of my way to talk to them.

Maybe this is why I have stopped telling people. Maybe I got to the point where I ruined too many friendships for myself. It wasn't worth it in the end to say anything.

I think some people are just too scared to say anything, and I completely understand. But at some point, somewhere down the line, there's going to be someone. There's going to be someone that you know you can't live without. And then, fear itself couldn't be enough to hold you back from expressing how you feel.

And you never know. Maybe they were just too scared to tell you they felt the same.

Do What You Love, Even If You Aren't Great At It

Recently I've had a couple realizations. 1.) I wasn't necessarily investing my time and money into things that I loved. But rather, I was investing time and money into things that were convenient and weren't really that important in the end.

and

2.) I've been letting my lack of experience or knowledge in those things I love stop me from trying.

I think deep down I've spent my whole life NOT doing things because I was scared that I wouldn't be any good at them.

I was scared that I would put my heart into something and fail. To me, not trying was easier.

That's why I don't play sports, or attempt handstands (more common sense than anything, I have zero upper body strength), but also why I haven't played my music in front of people a lot. Even though I love those things, I'm so scared of what people will think if I'm not good at them.

I have always loved photography. Always. And last week I finally decided to do something about it. I bought a camera. Not a point and shoot. Not something that's attached to my phone. A real Canon camera. I think I put it off for so long because I was scared I wasn't even good enough to own one. That it wasn't a big enough hobby for me to actually spend the money on it.

But you know what I did? I took my new camera, went off on an adventure by myself and took some pictures in the forest. Even if I only liked five out of the seventy I took, going out and doing that brought me so much joy.

This picture was my favorite. And it may be too dark, or out of focus, but I took it. I took it and I love it.

I think that we spend too much time caring about what other people think. I have wasted the twenty-four years of my existence being scared I wasn't good enough.

And I may still struggle with it from time to time. But today I want to make the choice to believe that I am good enough. I'll probably have to remind myself tomorrow. But as long as I am out there doing the things I love, I'm fine with working through that struggle.

Are you?

You Believed In Me.

Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. Miss you. I think about all the conversations and all the encouragements, and I never forget how you believed in me.

You always told me to forget the world and prove them wrong.

You told me that what I had to offer was amazing, and it was worthy.

You encouraged my voice and told me how to break out and use it.

You seemed safe enough. And to my surprise you still are.

Even the memory of you holds it's own encouragement, that people like you exist.

You hold me to my dreams. You call out the gold and God never even told you to.

Somehow, along the way, you believing in me caused me to believe in myself.

I feel my value, and my confidence in that value growing.

Something I don't remember is ever feeling like I disappointed you.

You never called me condemned, but you convicted in a loving way.

After all of this, I sit here and still write to you. Letters, poems, songs.

I write and I do so because you inspire me. I do so because you told me how much I could do. You always told me there was more, and to reach for the stars.

So you are not here, and even though I'm sad, I'm living.

I'm living life, dreaming of my future and dreaming up things I never would have dreamed up.

And I do so, because you believed in me.

Impacted

There have been very few times in my life where I have been fully encompassed by sadness to the point where I couldn't breathe. And by very few, I mean that there have been two times that I remember vividly. The first time was December 6th, 2014. I had been leading worship at my church since my graduation in May and I was working at a donut shop and living with five other girls.

I had gained so many good friends in those short six months. So many people who stood by my side when I started getting burnt out. People who helped talk me through my past and show me that none of what happened was my fault.

Those people impacted my life so much that leaving literally felt like each and every one of them were being ripped from my heart. I left for reasons that now seem completely ridiculous, but I'm glad I did it. I'm glad that I endured crying six hours straight on my drive to my parents house because that decision led me to another decision.

The decision to move to Mammoth.

And to my dismay become a part of another amazing group of friends who loved me so much I started to love myself. They loved me so much that I started gaining confidence, I started seeing my worth, I started seeing that I have power and authority. God showed me that, but he also surrounded me with people that were going to hold me to believing nothing less. One in particular.

Which brings me to the second time, last Monday. Multiple people left Mammoth to go off and do new things, or follow dreams, or go back to the UK. It was probably the most emotional day I've had since that last one. Once I said goodbye to my roommate Jesse it was like my heart was completely numb and done saying goodbye to amazing people that I love.

I cried all day. And a little bit into the night. But surprisingly enough on Tuesday I only cried once, and it was because my roommate started crying first and I'm a sympathy crier.

In the midst of all the sadness, and the missing pieces, I know that it's going to be okay. Because I know that it only hurts this bad because it was good.

If I had to say goodbye to people and feel no sadness at all, then what real friendship did I have with them?

This Is It. This Is How It Ends.

Tomorrow is the day that I have been waiting for. I graduate from the Mammoth Lakes School of Supernatural Ministry. It's been seven months I believe and so much has happened.

I can honestly say that I have grown more this year than I did in four years of bible college.

I have made relationships that I know will last beyond this season and I have gained a family in Lighthouse Church.

Though I am very happy to be graduating, there are many things that make it a little bittersweet.

Yes. Tomorrow I graduate. Again.

But the day after, I have to say goodbye to some of my best friends in the world.

The friends that were here when all of the growth was happening. The ones that saw me start to believe in myself and become more bold and confident. And more importantly, the ones who called it out of me.

If they don't know that they had the biggest impact on me in this season then they are insane. Never have I lived in a community that loved this hard.

This community includes the people who encourage you, that push you, that make you feel safe. They are the people that help restore and build up. They are the people that will hold you when you know you are being completely ridiculous and yet you are still crying all over their sweater. The people that love you too much to let you sit and wallow past the point of what is socially acceptable.

It's always amazing to be able to sit in a classroom and learn things that change your life. But this place has become so much more than that. I get to be a part of something so much bigger than just a school.

I get to be a part of a huge family that spans over nations. I get to travel all the way to Switzerland and immediately feel like I'm at home. I get to finally dream for things in the future that I know are completely possible and are most likely, sorry, most definitely going to happen.

Here in this place I started to dream again. I started to believe in myself again. I've started calling the gold out of myself. I have joy and I have strength and I am bold.

So as I say goodbye to this season, I get to look forward with the knowledge that I have this family behind me. I get to transition into something new and know that I am supported and I have full confidence that I will always have those people in my life.

The ones that love you enough to encourage you to be who God made you to be.

Switzerland: Day 12

Today. The last day of our trip before we travel home. We got to attend Lighthouse in Laax and our MLSSM team prophesied over the whole group.

Every single person left with a word. And I personally left feeling encouraged by giving words.

We end tonight, a bit tired and still processing our whole trip.

Tomorrow will hold a bus ride, a long train ride, another train ride, and then we make our way home on Swiss airlines.

I can't believe that for my first time off the continent I got to go I Switzerland.

I still feel so amazingly blessed, and even though I'm very homesick and excited to make my way back, I'll have memories here that I won't forget.

I won't ever forget my wonderful team: Amanda, Abi, Forrest, Patti, Jamie, Natalie & little Hudson.

Switzerland: Day 11

Laax is WONDERFUL!!!

Seriously. From the minute Amanda and I sat on the balcony of our temporary home we've been in love.

This little town is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. The mountains are just crazy and the open land somewhat reminds me of home.

This part of the trip is where I got to meet all the people I heard so much about from people at home. They are all incredibly wonderful.

We went to lunch and then hiked down to a lake where I took so many pictures and Amanda waded in the water and accidentally cut her heal.

On our hike back up we found a cool tire swing.

Amanda and Abi had a lot of fun on that one.

After making our way back up and out we went to the market and made dinner for the leaders of the Laax Lighthouse.

To end the night we encouraged them and prophesied over them.

Today is day 12 and our last full day in Switzerland. Tomorrow morning we'll be heading back to Zürich to fly home. I don't know how much time I'll have to write a blog post for today, but I know that a lot is going to happen at our Lighthouse church meeting tonight at The Livingroom coffee shop.

Switzerland has been truly amazing, and even though I'm home sick, I am going to be very sad to leave.

Switzerland: Day 10

After a fun night watching Skyfall with the YWAM students yesterday, today seemed a bit sad having to say goodbye after finally connecting with some of the students. We packed up our things and had a last horrah in town. We rode the bus for probably an hour just to see where it went. It was actually amazing getting to spend that time just to go around the town.

Church was at 5pm and it was awesome. We got to give people words and encourage the whole church. And even pray for YWAM students.

By the time we got back to the YWAM base, everyone was starving. The soup was amazing and I had three rolls with it. Never ashamed.

About a hundred sad goodbyes later and we were on our way to Laax. Two hours later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow. Which will consist of sleeping in, maybe jumping in the indoor sauna and then meeting the Laax Lighthouse team tomorrow night.

The trip is quickly coming to an end, but I am so excited to get to know more of our Lighthouse family.

Switzerland: Days 8&9

So yesterday was day 8 and today is day 9.Because we've had somewhat of a break from commitments and we've been able to just hangout I thought I'd combine these two days. So yesterday we got to sit in on the YWAM students last class of the week as they got to watch the videos of the prophetic words they were given from people in Mammoth.

We headed into town after lunch and ended up at a bookstore that also sold Swiss Army Knives. So naturally I had to buy two for my parents and one for myself. And a journal. And another gift for my mom. Once we were back at the YWAM base Abi and I tried to download a movie but couldn't. So we both just laid down. She fell asleep and I journaled about personal issues that I will be returning to when I get back to Mammoth. A good time of crying out to God and asking for answers, followed by pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. What else could put me back in a good mood.

Also!!! My Swiss Army Knife has tweezers in it!!! How cool is that? So needless to say my eyebrows are on point today.

This morning we got to sleep in because breakfast was later. And I really needed the sleep. Abi and I got to come into town with Natalie and Hudson and go to the store. Where I bought pounds of chocolate for everyone at home.

We ended up back at the bookstore where I used my self control and didn't buy anything else.

And now we are back at Kaffee Klatsch for the third day in a row and I'm downloading The Night Before for us to watch when we get back to the base.

It's been a nice couple of days to relax, but Abi and I are both eager to head to Laax on Sunday night.

Switzerland: Day 7

Our second day in Davos was pretty laid back. Abi and I woke up after breakfast because we stayed up pretty late, but we had orange juice and apples in our room and that was sufficient enough for breakfast.

Then we headed to the YWAMs class where they recapped all that happened last night. Students had stories about prophesying over strangers and getting to encourage people.

Hearing their stories was truly amazing because a lot of them lined up with the MLSSM students stories.

Abi and I had given words to this teenage boy who Amanda and a YWAM girl Felicia had gotten to encourage. Then I found out that another student Max had given the same word to one of the girls I had walked up to and given a word to.

It was all just so amazing.

After lunch the MLSSM team headed into town to one of Jamie's favorite coffee shops. Amazing. The food was great and the coffee was even better.

Following that we went to a designer store called Freitag where literally everything sold there is made out of the tarps that go on the side of the semi truck trailers. It sounded a little weird to me at first too, but it was so awesome. Though sadly too expensive.

We made our way home and arrived almost right in time for dinner and then had a night of worship.

The night of worship was the perfect end to a pretty perfect day. But now onto the next.

Switzerland: Day 6

Davos called and we went. Today we arrived in Davos after a couple hours of train rides. Tired and a little hungry we showed up to the YWAM base where we were welcomed by the wonderful students and staff.

We mentally prepared ourselves for the Wednesday night service and then went down to dinner. We had risotto and yes it was awesome.

Then I had about half a pound of chocolate.

We met downstairs for the service and they began with worship and then Natalie spoke and Reto translated.

The service consisted of Natalie speaking and the team encouraging the congregation, some of which might not have believed in God.

The whole MLSSM team went up and gave encouraging words to individuals as well as the whole group.

Finally I decided to speak up and encourage them about seeking God and finding him.

Jeremiah 29:13 has been one of my favorite life verses for years and I'm glad everytime I get to share it.

Afterwards a girl came up to me and gave me a word about myself and how God made me. Cue the emotions.

I finally convinced myself, after I got myself together, that I would try to go and pray for the girls in the back row who Forest pointed out hadn't been prayed for yet.

If you know me at all, you know that I've been basically terrified to talk to strangers and pray for them, even when I'm not by myself. And this time I was.

So I went, and it was a bit awkward, but I told them that God thought they were beautiful and amazing and that he loved them very much. They said thank you politely and I added that I wanted to see if they needed prayer for anything. They said no. So I persisted a little further and asked them to write their names in my phone and I could pray for them later. Thankfully they did and it wasn't super awkward after. I thanked them and left, which in all honesty I'm more glad that I went instead of regretting it later.

So it's almost time to go to bed and Abi and I make our way to the door. A girl who Abi had given a word to earlier stopped me and told me she (also) got a word for me when I was standing at the front.

She got the word rockstar. She told me that she didn't know if I liked music or singing or anything but that I should be on a stage. That I should be up there on a stage as much as possible. And then I started really tearing up.

I felt so blessed, which was ironic because we came here to bless them. It just proves to show that God wants to give us more and more.

Today was only the first day in Davos and I already felt truly blessed and at home again in a new place.

My prayer for tonight will be that God will make us feel completely at home with these people and that we can love on them and become family with them like the last two places we spent our time.

Amen

Switzerland: Day 5

Today was the day of all days, but sadly enough our last full day in Zürich. We started off by staying up way too late last night and getting out of bed at 11am.

Once we had all had breakfast and were ready, we left the house to head to the river and do a prophetic act. We declared Psalms 46 over the city then we made our way onto what we all wanted to do in the city.

Mainly it consisted of finding souvenirs for our family or friends, but we did end up stopping for an amazing lunch of fondue and dessert.

Amanda had the desire to go over to the art house and to be completely honest at first I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but the minute the three of us (Amanda, Abi, and I) walked in it was like walking into a movie where someone is giving their date a tour of the museum themselves and showing them all their favorite pieces. The art was amazing but it was almost more awesome just to listen to a good friend describe her favorite artists and paintings.

We started to run out of time and had to leave to go catch the bus to take us to the train station where we would be meeting the rest of the team. Except that the bus didn't show up on time and it didn't seem that it would be showing up at all. So we began to walk, quickly.

As it was raining outside, we showed up to the train station 8 minutes late and basically soaking. Oh if only glasses had windshield wipers on them.

After a quick stop at a chocolate shop and a tiny sugar coma later, we were on our way to a small group meeting where we had the amazing opportunity to be able to speak life into the leaders.

This day was the best possible day to be our last. Friends chatting about which Swiss boy they should marry and who would be the flower girls at our triple wedding. Chocolate consumption beyond all chocolate consumptions. Pounds of cheese and bread. And feeling the presence of God within every minute of it.

Zürich has been the most amazing experience and I'm sad to leave, but there is such a peace in my heart that I will make my way back here someday. And I don't mean next week when we fly out of Zürich airport to go home.

Switzerland: Day 4

Yesterday was our forth day in Switzerland and our second day in Zürich. We began our day with breakfast and coffee and then headed out with a wonderful new friend/tour guide.

We took trains and trams and explored the city of Zürich with someone who knew exactly where we were going.

We prayed over the city and over people and expected that God would show up and move.

After being joined by another friend, he took us on a tiny historic tour of Christianity through the city. We learned so much about how Christianity began In the city and even just how Switzerland was established.

We took the time to pray over businesses, and the local skatepark, but we also got to stop at a bakery and get some amazing treats.

Getting home was probably the least exciting part of the day, except for that we got to opportunity to pray for and encourage the ICF small group that was being held where we were staying.

It's truly amazing to discover new people and realize that the world is so much bigger than the small town of Mammoth that we all travelled from.

Every single person I have met so far has felt like family. I feel comfortable with them and again the gatherings just feel like family get togethers that nobody wants to leave.

Unfortunately today is our last day in Zürich and tomorrow we make our way to Davos. Even though we don't have much planned for the day I know that God is going to show up in extraordinary ways.

Switzerland: Day 3

Today was the day we all travelled to stay in Zürich. We took a bus, a train, a cable car, and walked up an extremely steep hill to the home in which we were staying on the fourth floor.

Needless to say our legs are killing us.

We arrived for brunch that consisted of potatoes, cheese, eggs, more bread, and lovely coffee.

No words can describe the feeling I get when I'm around these people.

You'd think it would be awkward being surrounded by people who are speaking Swiss-German to each other but surprisingly enough I have felt right at home.

Every single gathering has been amazing. It's felt like the longtime awaited family reunion that no one wanted to leave. And it was wonderful.

We did however have to say bye to our lovely hosts from Uster, which wasn't the best, but we know we have made good friends that we can always think about when we think of this amazing place.

We also had to say goodbye, temporarily, to our fearless leaders as they left early to make the way to Davos. This was just minutes after their son let me hold him for a large amount of time. And I am convinced that he will love me by the end of the trip.

After an afternoon jaunt around the nearby streets and a bit of time editing the many photos I took, we had dinner with the housemates. Wonderful spaghetti and salad. Not something I was expecting in Switzerland, but as an Italian I did enjoy the meal.

A session of being prayed for by the Swiss, and a coat of nail polish later and we are all in bed ready to face tomorrow, which will consist of a tour around town, hopefully some good coffee and a good time with my team.