I Need To Get Out of the Boat.

We all know the story about Peter getting out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus. He saw the wind and he got scared. He began to sink, So he cried out to Jesus "Lord save me!"

Then Jesus grabs him, pulls him up, and says "You of little faith...why did you doubt?"

I think we can all identify with Peter. But I identify more with the former Peter; the Peter before he takes the risk and steps out of the boat.

I sit on the edge of the boat and watch. I watch as other people take their risks and have faith getting out of the boat to be with Jesus.

See I think that I'm with Jesus, and I think that I'm taking risks, when really I'm just finding something new in the boat to catch my attention.

I've always thought that maybe I had my eyes on the waters and I was sinking and just needed to call out for Jesus to save me.

But in all reality, I don't think I've ever even trusted him enough to get out of the boat.

I've been waiting to "feel" close to the Lord, but I don't take the steps to back that desire.

I go through the motions that may make it seem like I am with Jesus out on the water.

But if anybody actually looked hard enough, they would see me back on the boat sticking my toes in the water, testing how cold it will be when I sink.

I need to trust my Lord.

I need to risk everything to be with my Lord.

I need to get out of the boat.

Sometimes the hardest part of life is admitting you're scared as hell..

Growing up I used to think that there would be a point in my life where I would arrive. I would have a good job doing what I love.

I would have my own place (not realistic anymore).

I would have my group of friends that hung out all the time and encouraged each other.

I would have a good position in a church, doing what I was made to do.

I would have my music, and eventually have my own album recorded.

The minute I graduated from college, I knew that none of this would probably happen as I wanted it.

It took me two full months to get a job, at a donut shop.

I moved into a house with five other girls a month later.

I didn't really have any close friends once school picked back up again because they were all busy.

I took over as worship leader at a church, where I sometimes felt unappreciated, overworked and burnt out.

I did record a small cd, with somewhat terrible quality.

Then when it came time to start paying off my student loans, I knew my current situation wasn't going to cut it.

So I moved home.

Into my old room.

Into old habits.

Into old friendships.

Into my old self who let other people walk all over her.

If you've read my blog at any point before this, you probably read that I had an opportunity to work at a camp I grew up at. I was so excited and so nervous to go up there and be in a different place. But it was going to be worth it because I would be doing the things that I love.

I had tried emailing the director two times to ask when I should make the trip up there.

Today he finally emailed me back. He told me that they just got done laying off two people and he's still waiting to see how things will work out. Also, that he'll give me an update in the next two weeks. In the mean time, I've already given notice at my job. I already have all of July planned out with last minute trips, spending most of my money on traveling before I move up there. And now it's not a for sure thing anymore?

I read the email at work sinking further down into my chair as I filled with anxiety thinking about what the hell else I'm supposed to do if I don't get this job. The job that was a trial position in the first place. A job that I was going out on a limb to even take, because I decided I was going to have faith that everything was going to work out and I would get hired on permanently after the trial period was over.

There hasn't been a day in the past six months of being home that I haven't regretted it. Moving home.

I've loved pouring into good friendships since being home, and I don't regret that.

But honestly. I'm just scared as hell.

I'm scared that I moved home and now I'll be stuck.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to travel like I want to.

I'm scared that I'll never be able to move some place random and start my life the way I truly want to.

I'm just scared. Of everything. Of failure in life.

And I don't know what to do.

I want to be back in college with my friends. In close proximity where we could all talk to each other and encourage each other. I miss it so much. I miss my dear friends.

I wish that life wasn't so hard.

I wish being an adult wasn't so scary.

I have become the most anxiety ridden I have ever been since moving home.

I'm praying so hard that God will direct my path. I trust that he has great things for me, things that my ideas can't even measure up to. All I want is to be free. Free of expectations. Free of anxiety and hurt. Free of debt. Free of hatred towards myself for not being able to handle anything. I want to be free of all of these things, but mostly my fear.

I want to walk through life confident that I can do this. I have God right beside me and there is no way he is going to let me fall.

Love is Work

Recently I've had one thing become so real to me, it's like I was slapped in the face with it. I think sometimes we grow up thinking that love is this magical thing that is just perfect and painless and completely free of complication.

But now I think I finally understand that it's not.

It's not easy. There's not some model you can follow either.

Last week I watched this random country movie on Netflix. This women's husband was arrested and had lied to her and she had gotten so fed up she basically turned her back on him. She ends up running into an old guy friend in her hometown and he's there to comfort her, but you can tell that there's more to it. By the end of the movie you think that she's going to divorce her husband and then most likely end up with this other guy. Then out of nowhere the movie completely turns around and she's decided to take the risk and trust her husband again, and to truly fight for their marriage, and their love.

I cannot tell you how bad I was crying at the end of that movie.

I was just so astounded. These days we see people leaving their significant others for other people, divorcing their spouses because it was too hard. But this movie, this movie was the truth to what love should be.

It was like all of my confusion about love and marriage was cleared up in an hour and a half country hallmark type movie.

Loving someone is work.

Loving someone hurts.

Loving someone is challenging.

Sometimes it's even hard to love someone that you love.

Now, I have never been in a relationship. I have never even been in a flirtationship. But I know, now more than ever, that loving another human being is probably going to be the hardest thing I've ever done.

It's going to be hard to not take things personally.

It's going to be difficult, being brutally honest when they ask for it.

It's going to be a challenge for me to express how I feeling to this other person who holds my heart, and can do whatever they wish with it.

It'll be tough to be one half of a whole.

But I can't wait.

I can't wait to fully devote myself to someone else.

I can't wait to bicker, and have that one person who basically said yes to hearing you vent until the end of time.

I can't wait to finally be with the person I waited all this time for.

The person I cried over so many nights, praying and asking God why he wasn't here yet.

I read this quote today:

"Do not settle, please do not settle because there is someone out there who refuses to settle, and you are worth so much more than convenience and ease, you are worth a heart that fights for you."

- T.B. LaBerge // Do Not Settle

I see all of these things popping out at me telling me love is hard, it's tough, it's work. Love is fighting for the other person.

I won't choose convenience over real love.

Love is work.

Snitch

I'll never forget this label. This label made me feel probably the most insecure out of all of them.

It made me think bad things about myself:

A bad friend.

A bad student.

A target for bullies.

A tattletale.

Someone who betrays.

Someone who has nothing better to do.

It's funny, because now I can sit here and understand that none of these are true.

I look back on all the times I spoke up, and every time I got the courage to say something, it was for someone else.

Every time I said something that could have labeled me a snitch, I was trying to protect someone. Whether it be their physical body, or their feelings.

I never told on someone just because.

I can remember all of the times I didn't say anything when It was just me, being picked on, made fun of, getting hurt.

But I always tried to make sure others were okay.

I never told out of spite or malice. I told out of love and concern.

I think that this is something that has bothered me for a very long time.

The fact that I felt like maybe I was a snitch.

And though I may just be trying to justify my actions by saying that I did it out of love, I believe it.

I don't believe that label applies to me. Not anymore.

I'm done carrying that around.

I'm also done allowing my past to dictate who I think I am, and instead I'm going to listen to the whisper.

The still soft whisper telling me that I am loved, and that I'm going to be okay.

That I don't have to let past labels, or labels in general, define me now.

People Can See It

We sat there with our friends, laughing until the darker hours. I was beaming from ear to ear at your jokes, your laugh.

And I think people saw it.

I think they could see how I looked at you. How I smiled at everything you said because I truly believed it was worth my smile.

I don't know what it is about people on the inside, but they're oblivious to it all. Well, at least I hope that you're oblivious. Please be oblivious.

I'm not ready for you to look at me with pity in your eyes because you don't feel the same.

It's just, you make me feel safe, in a nervous sort of way. Like I know that you won't hurt me, but I don't know that. Because you could. And I'd let you, if it meant I could possibly have a chance.

Because you treat me like a person, and I admire you for that. What I say matters, and you're supportive.

All I'm saying is that people are starting to see it. And I feel like soon enough so will you.

It Was a Simpler Time

It's crazy how being an adult can put so much stress on a person. I can remember being in high school and I had homework to do and I had commitments, but I hung out on Myspace daily and always had my friends over.

These days, I go to work and then come home and watch tv and hangout on Tumblr all night. Sometimes I write, or play music, or read.

But mostly I'm on the computer.

And yet, I'm more stressed out than I was even two years ago.

How is it that with age comes more stress?

Today I took a trip down memory lane and went through all of my old pictures.

Boy was that a terrible idea.

For one thing I was skinnier back then.

I just kept passing over pictures of friends and I hanging out at parks, or camps, and at school.

Things were structured but they weren't.

We had summer. We had winter break.

We had all these things that we had to look forward to.

I'm sitting here looking forward to an email. An EMAIL.

I look forward to the weekend, and then on Saturday I already start dreading Monday.

I feel like I've had nothing to look forward to lately.

The only thing I look forward to is hanging out with people.

Which, I'm starting to think is more important. Really it's all there is.

I get so nostalgic looking at old pictures because they were taken with friends. With people that I love.

You grow up hanging out with everyone so often because it's convenient. They go to school with you, or live down the block.

Then you go to college and you have your roommates and quadmates and they're always there.

You are so surrounded with all of these people that you love and that love you and support you.

Then you become an adult. And it all somewhat falls apart.

Your friends disperse. To different cities. Different states.

Life becomes about working, and making a living and paying bills.

Soon you don't have time to try and make an effort to see people.

That was the biggest slap in the face.

Having all these people surround you, and you promise each other that you will always be friends and that you'll talk all the time. And then you don't.

Out of sight becomes out of mind.

I am so guilty of this.

Then when you don't talk to anyone, you feel alone, then you feel like you can't talk to them.

So you don't tell them anything, because you can't lie and say that you're fine anymore.

It's so hard to grow up. It's hard to have things change.

It's getting so difficult to look back on memories and not be jealous of my younger self.

It's now almost impossible for me to see myself then and not be furious at myself for taking those times for granted.

It was a simpler time.

Giddy Anxious

Have you ever been so excited for something that you just get anxious about it? Like, you're totally happy, but this thing that is supposed to be happening means that you have to be patient.

You need to wait.

And the waiting is causing you anxiety.

Well. That's me right now.

I'm waiting to hear about a possible job. And after finally telling the one person I was scared to tell, the fear disappeared and all that was left was excitement.

I feel full support and I feel that the interview went well.

I have heard it from good authority that I pretty much have the job already.

But I'm waiting to hear it from the person who matters, the director, the person who would be hiring me.

I NEED to be patient. But all I can do is keep checking my email.

It reminds me of when I would go to camp, or really anywhere that I was excited to go to.

I can't really sleep. I'm anxious. I'm excited. I'm trying to be patient. But I just keep jumping every time someone mentions it.

I'm Giddy Anxious.

I know that there are certain situations in my past where I had the chance to be patient and I didn't wait on God.

I made a choice that I didn't necessarily want to make and here we are.

I need to wait on God and believe that he has the best for me.

If it's not this than it will be something else.

I'm waiting.

Anxiously Giddy.

Lord,

I pray that you will give my heart peace. Peace and Patience God. I pray that no matter what I will keep my head high and keep working hard. I will stay confident like I have been the past couple of days. I pray that I will continue striving to be better. Lord I really do want this, more than anything. I was up there for two days and I had already started to feel closer to you because the distractions fell away. I will try my best to understand if you say no that it means there is something better. But Lord I pray there isn't. ha. I want to strive to know you more God, I want to seek your face. I love you Lord.

Amen.

Someday

Rant, vent, share it all.I'll try to catch you when you fall. I'll be here for you, if you ever need. But don't even ask me why I bleed.

It's all about you, but please don't ask about me. My depths go further than ten thousand leagues beneath the sea. If you have to go now, please go run and flee. I don't want to drag you down with me.

You see my surface and that's too much. Don't come near me, don't try to touch. Oh, I'm scum. Honey, I'm dirt. All I bring is the subtle hurt.

It stings at first. But then you'll see. You'll wish you'd never even looked at me. I wouldn't blame you, or use harsh words. If you need to go, baby fly like the birds.

The time will come, when he sees all I am. He'll see the broken, weakened man. The one that I'd have done anything for. The one with whom my childhood was torn.

He'll look me in the eyes, and still see that child. He'll see a beauty that will make his heart go wild. He'll comfort, and hold, and bring me right in. Because he will be the one, to see past my sin.

He will tell me that it's okay, that he still loves me. My past is past, and I've been set free. He will say that it's not what he sees when he looks in my eyes. But that he sees a woman of God free from the worlds lies....

Him

There wasn't really a time where I didn't notice him. We grew up together, but separate.

I admired him when we were kids. His desire to always seek adventure.

He'd end up hurt and try to act like he was fine, like I did.

I usually kept up with him too. Well. Not running. He was too fast.

Too skinny and aerodynamic. But in spirit I kept up with him.

I remember that he was always hyper, always wanted to do something.

I remember playing truth or dare, and wishing that someone would dare him to kiss me.

I remember being disappointed when he was dared to kiss me and he didn't.

I remember him being there when I started falling for the biggest devastation of my life.

I remember wishing that we were closer. That he could see the potential he saw in her, in me.

Sometimes there are people we just notice. People that no matter where you are in your life, if you see them you will stand up straight and hope that they give you the time of day even though you haven't ever really had a good conversation with them.

You wish you were funnier, or more interesting because then maybe he would seem interested when you talked to him.

I was there when it seemed like he was falling away. Wishing that there was something I could do or say to make it better.

It's good though, to see him now. He's doing well. I don't even have to talk to him to see it. Not that I don't want to.

I'm just scared. Like I've always been.

Scared that he won't notice me.

When I've always noticed him.

When I've noticed him grow up into a man. Finally taking charge and growing. Making progress to do and be better, for himself.

He's so calm now. Like me.

We both used to run around playing games and sports and chasing each other.

I remember when he fell and ripped his cargo pants, leaving his bloody knee exposed.

I remember when he got a concussion playing musical chairs. Musical Chairs.

Now, he seems so stoic almost. Calm and collected, like he's trying to keep in everything that's happened to him. Like me.

Maybe one day he'll look at me and see that he can trust me.

I haven't really talked to him in years. But there's still time.

Time to reach out.

Because when I think of the person I've always noticed, it's always been him.

We're All Different

Recently it has become more apparent to me how different we all are. God made us that way. He made us as unique beings.

He made each one of us with a set of characteristics and vastly different dreams.

One person can feel called to a certain career, or ministry, and someone else could feel called to something completely different.

One person can have a dream to go out and make changes in the world, and someone could have a dream to change the world by being a good parent and a good spouse.

We are all different.

I know that I talk about dreams a lot, but it's just something that weighs heavy on my heart because I know I haven't been working towards mine.

The other day I sat across from a friend and coworker as she talked to a new employee on the phone. Basically the conversation consisted of her telling the other woman how much she liked it there and how she was going to wait for a while and then try to move up in the company.

I was sitting there finishing up some support staff tasks thinking, that's not what I want.

I made the decision to come home because I knew I needed time to prepare.

Prepare for what, I don't know.

But I sit at that desk day after day and feel completely lost.

I truly believe my anxiety attacks are a direct result of me feeling like I'm not doing enough to ensure that my dreams become a reality.

I overthink, and I have sleepless nights thinking about my future and all the things I want to do. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I have lived my whole life trying to meet everyone else's expectations. I have done things because, well, it's what you do right?

When you graduate, you get a good job. And you just work. Because this job is what you went to school for.

That's not the case.

I went to school and studied ministry. And I'm sitting at a desk job everyday.

You want to know why? Because I got caught up. I got caught up in the whispers of my dad, who has always wanted me to have a good paying job so I can take care of myself. I got caught up in people telling me that maybe what I'm doing isn't what God wants me to do, so then I second guess what God has told me himself.

God has told me that I am beautiful and strong. Which means that I don't need to latch onto other peoples dreams, or listen to the lies society tells me, or even the lies that the people closest to me tell me.

Last week I spoke to the director at the camp I grew up at. The camp that I love and feel is a big part of my life. I asked him, again, if they had any job opportunities. He said no, that there weren't currently any jobs open, but that there is always a possibility and he wants me to come up and visit to talk with him and share my heart.

A possibility.

A POSSIBILITY!

This tiny sliver of hope, made me the most joyous person I have been since I can't remember when.

I find myself smiling when I talk about the "possibility."

Even my parents told me that I sounded so excited when I was on the phone with him and they really hope it works out.

This is something I've always wanted to do, be involved in something that I care about. Truly.

I think that's what everybody wants. I believe that's why God gave us dreams and our own set of talents or skills. He wouldn't give us dreams and then tell us we can't achieve them.

I could have the opportunity to mentor young girls who are interning. When my whole senior year of college, all my assignments were about was how the young adults of today need mentors and guidance.

I could have the opportunity to work in the kitchen. When I was a cook for two years and worked in a kitchen for four years.

I could have the opportunity to do worship, and I've basically been on worship teams every since I picked up my guitar.

This opportunity. This "possibility" is something I prayed for. I asked God to open the door to my future and shut the door to the past that was holding me back. Not a day goes by that I don't pray about this. Pray that it happens, yes, but also I'm praying that it's right.

I can look back on my whole life and only find one other instance where I prayed this hard for clarity, and that was when I prayed that God would show me where to go to school, and my Life Pacific College acceptance letter came in the mail the next day.

We are all different. We all have different dreams. We all have different paths.

What God has for you, might not be what God has for me.

And that's okay.

Inspired

If there's a person who can truly make you inspired, I think it's Olan Rogers. If you haven't had a chance to watch any of his videos, you should make time for it.

Not only is he one of the most hilarious people that I've ever seen, his Soda Parlor Documentary is inspiring as heck.

He talks about his dream of opening up this Soda Parlor to be able to spend time with people whenever he wants. This person that loves people, and getting to know them talks about how he felt that this dream almost wasn't going to come true.

If you feel like you're uninspired, discouraged, disappointed in everything including yourself, this 15 minute documentary can maybe lift your spirits just enough to allow you to breath. To allow you to realize that there is still life, and that if you're willing to work hard and fight for your dreams that you can do it, one step at a time.

I've been living in a state completely bare of any motivation, or beauty. Usually I can find the beauty in the world, but recently all I've found is anxiety, and fear that I'll be stuck here forever. A fear that I'll never live my dreams.

And then I sit in my room and wonder what my true dreams were in the first place.

Well, one of my dreams is to make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself, without the help of parents, family, or even a husband. I'm not one who has always depended on people, and being home depending completely on my parents makes me feel like I'm worthless.

Another dream is that I want to write music, and perform and I want people to like my songs. I want to live completely immersed in music. I want to have a legit EP. One that's recorded with people. I want musicians around me that make me better.

Dream number three is to be a writer. Which at this point I've done a lot more writing than I have practicing my guitar. I like writing words that could somehow make a difference. So I write teen fiction with tiny little pieces of my life in it. I want to subtly write my story in the back stories of my characters and somehow change someone's life. Like Rainbow Rowell, or Melody Carlson, or Robin Jones Gunn.

I dream of traveling. I want to road trip everywhere. I want to fly over seas, out of this country and see what it's really like out there. I want to see all these amazing sights that I've only heard about, or seen pictures of.

I dream of a family. I dream of marrying the man of my dreams and living together in a tiny house, or apartment. Coincidentally I dream of marrying the man I do music with. But that doesn't have to happen. I just want someone who will support my crazy dreams and someone whose dreams I can love to support. I can't wait to come home to the love of my life, to greet him with a kiss and to be able to hold him and not have to let go. I can't wait to wake up next to someone. Right now this is one of the most important dreams to me, however I put it last because I realize it shouldn't be the most important to me.

I want to live my life. I haven't yet learned how to share this life with someone. I can barely keep up with my relationship with God. I don't need another distraction from my Lord.

My God has given me these dreams, and I don't think He is the type to dangle something I love in front of me and not let me have it. Dreams are supposed to be work, and I get that now.

I think I just need to stop being paralyzed by fear.

I fear that others will judge me, but to be honest with myself, some probably will.

I'm afraid that people won't like my music, or my writing, but some people won't.

I'm afraid of money. I let it consume me. Constantly checking my bank account to see if I have enough. Yet I spend money on things that aren't important to me.

I'm afraid of feeling guilty for leaving a job I don't necessarily think will grow me in the areas I need it to.

I'm afraid of people being upset with me. I care too much about how people see me and my choices.

I have so many things standing in my way and I think that I need to take the time to sit before God and give everything up.

I need to set it all at his feet. I need to set it at his feet and ask that he either bless it, or close the door on it.

I watched the Soda Parlor Documentary again today. It's something that maybe I should watch daily. It makes me feel like my dreams are achievable. Which they are, I just don't know where to start. I need to find inspiration in myself. I think.

Lord help me to see the plan. Open the doors, and close the ones that I shouldn't even be looking at. Lord help me. Give me peace in my times of anxiety. Help me to immediately look to you and know that it's going to be okay. It's not my whole life. That i'm only 23 and I have the rest of my life ahead of me. Give me strength, and help me to fight for my dreams. I love you Lord. Amen.

People Matter

Right now I have two good friends who are on their way to visit me. One I have known for about four years and the other I've known of for four years but only became really close with this summer.

Last night I was talking to her about how I've basically isolated myself since being home, no old friends, no new ones. Just work and I've barely been invested in church.

She told me that when she first got married she felt very isolated too, until we started hanging out.

It's funny how you end up bonding with people right when you need someone the most.

I needed someone. And she made an effort to be my friend, and invite me over even if we just watched tv.

She needed someone. And I made the effort to get to know her better, and to be honest, she became my best friend.

I think that sometimes we don't think things mattered until someone tells you.

Recently I hung out with an old close friend, the first time since I've been home. I met her at her house where her father was too and he started questioning why I haven't been around.

Come to find out later, my friend had thought that I didn't want to be close with her because I hadn't reached out to hang out since being home.

I felt terrible.

Honestly.

This girl that was my favorite person when we were kids and still to this day, thought that I didn't like her.

She only told me this after I told her that I would consider her a close friend until the day I die.

I think we don't tell people they matter enough.

I've been home for almost four months, and I haven't attended my old church, and I haven't seen anyone from there.

They all know that I'm back.

After this realization with my friend, I thought about it.

These people, that always supported me and loved me and even helped me pay for school, probably think that I want nothing to do with them.

When really all I needed was time, and they pushed, and I withdrew. Until I had fully isolated myself into a workout, work, tv show, sleep stupor.

That's when I made my decision to go back, and to look the people that love me in the eye and tell them how much they actually do matter to me, despite my actions.

I've lived my life and had many different types of friendships.

Toxic friendships. Loving friendships. Shallow friendships. Healthy friendships. You name it.

But the ones that I always remember are the ones that mattered.

The ones that were natural, not forced.

The ones that spiraled into every summer day running around looking for adventure.

The ones that brought equal growth. Where you challenge each other and even have to be brutally honest but it works, and you both thrive.

The ones that teach you life lessons, which may hurt, and it may end, but it was a lesson nonetheless.

People have always told me things about myself; that i'm mysterious, that I'm "cool, calm, and collected," that I'm stoic.

Whatever the heck that means.

But I think the fact that I'm not very vocal about certain things makes it hard for people to understand.

I thrive on relationships. I love my friends.

But I NEED to tell them. I need to let them know how much I truly cherish their presence in my life, and their existence altogether.

I need to smile more to reassure that I'm having a good time.

I need to let them know they matter.

We need to let the people in our lives know they matter.

Lets say it until we sound like a broken record, and then keep going.

"I love you."

"I'm thankful for you in my life."

"You matter to me."

"Thank you for being my friend when I desperately needed one."

It's important. People are important. Tell them.

Regrets

I lay here in bed, wishing that I didn't have to go to sleep, so that I won't have to wake up and go to a job where I feel like I'm wasting away. I like my job, don't get me wrong.

I like what I do, I've learned a lot.

But I sit here and wonder, what if?

What if I had made a different decision?

What if I had chosen to actually go back to Massachusetts?

What if I had chosen not to stick around a good church and be a worship leader?

I wouldn't have deepened a couple of friendships this summer. I would regret not having that.

I would regret not getting worship leading experience.

I would regret not being able to try being on my own. At least for a few months.

But I feel so anxious.

Like I'm headed in the wrong direction. Like I'm falling behind, on top of falling apart.

I'm becoming more vain, because I don't have much to focus on other than work and working out and how I dress.

I don't like it.

I don't like not having a lot of friends close.

Was I just scared though?

I'm wondering.

I chose not to move across the country because family, and because I wanted to be there for my church, and then because I felt like I didn't want to go and be in an uncomfortable internship type program.

But I honestly think I was scared.

Scared that they would challenge me.

Scared that I would grow, and that it would hurt.

Scared of constructive criticism.

Just scared to live.

Now I regret not going.

I regret that I couldn't just take a year and try something that could be exciting.

I could have gone on an adventure, alone, and pioneered a great program.

I could have done a worship arts program basically. Running it, and mentoring people.

I think I feel as though I'm not thriving here because there's no one to fellowship with. Really.

I just miss feeling like I was trying new things, and seeing new places.

I loved it over there, and I let my fear of growth, and my fear of people loving me, put a bad taste in my mouth and I thought that I wouldn't be able to handle it.

And now it seems that even home is suffocating me.

I want to pray about this. Honestly, because if I can talk to the pastors there, I would love to have a second chance to make my decision. It's late already, but maybe if I begged. Ha.

Truly, I know that God is everywhere, and that he blesses me anyways. I just know that I've become complacent here, and I need the accountability. I need the challenge. Because it was a challenge, and it was tiring.

But I felt the growth. I felt the strength. I would do that internship over. I would do it over twice.

Lord, give me clarity. Give me hope. I loved them all so much.

Help me to follow your will, but also to follow my heart and not the words of others around me.

I have lived so much of my life based on other people's actions, or words of what I should or shouldn't do. I'm tired.

I'm done. Really. I'm done feeling as though I can't handle things.

I'm done feeling as though I need someone to go with me.

This may seem like a late night ramble, and maybe it is. But I want to love hard. And I want to live harder.

I want to charge into this life. I want to be fearless when it comes to the world and have full faith that my lord will provide.

So I will pray,

Lord, help me to have the peace that comes from your spirit. I know that this world gets crazy, and that things will never be perfect. But I also pray that you will help me to not be afraid to take leaps. Huge leaps of faith. If this is something that could be remotely possible, lord give me peace. I don't want this to be one of those things that it a great idea in the moment and then I regret it completely later. I feel as though I've missed my window, but Lord, help me to decide. I think that my life is so full of indecisiveness that maybe just making a decision would be easiest. Help Lord, I need you. I need you like the air I breathe.

Amen.

Dear Twelve Year Old Self,

I want to start off by saying that you are beautiful. You are not ugly.

You are beautiful. Would you like to know why?

Because you don't care what others think yet, and though you may look different it doesn't bother you.

You are quick to run to the swings and plan all the adventures.

You would help plant the random change in the dirt so that you and your friend could dig it up later like it was treasure.

You would sing at the top of your lungs and not even care who was around to hear you.

I admire you.

You are beautiful.

Remember the fun you have when you make a whole binder of plans for when you are eighteen and plan to move out with your two best friends. Remember those best friends, because they are wonderful and sometimes friends grow apart. But still love them. And of course smile when you find the binder with the contracts you all signed saying you would do it.

In two years when you are about to enter high school, and you think that you need a boy to define you, stop. Stop and look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful. You are a beautiful creation that doesn't have to settle for some random guy to make herself feel loved, you are loved.

In high school, pay attention just a little bit more and apply yourself, actually focus on learning and not getting by.

When you finally get that 2' by 3' little card that allows you to drive a car alone, cherish it. It will become one of the ways that you can go and get away and feel free. And don't drive like the jerk driver you learned from and maybe your truck will live a little longer.

When people say that you should apply for scholarships, and you're just thinking to yourself, "oh I'll just get loans." Please don't do that to me, apply for all the damn scholarships you can. Exploit every little interest you have.

And when you finally get to college, stop and breathe it in. Not everyone gets this opportunity and you sure as hell aren't going to take it for granted. Learn. Make good friends. Don't pay attention to boys that will eventually hurt you and then pretend you don't exist.

When you walk across that stage and grab the little book that doesn't actually hold your degree; one, don't trip and two, look over and let them take your picture, don't be scared of the audience.

Finally, when you're in a place of waiting and you feel scared, isolated and alone, you are not. You are never alone.

When you feel like you're suffocating and drowning in doubt for what your future holds, know that you will be okay. You will always be okay.

Just stop and take a breath and remember that the One who created you is holding you still. Have peace and know that He is in control and that you need to try your hardest to stay faithful. Try your hardest to stay as innocent and adventure driven as you are now. Always live for adventure. Always live your life for Christ, and believe that he has amazing things in store for you.

Don't be scared to take a few leaps. Don't let money fool you, it's not the most important thing.

Let yourself be beautiful the way you are. Seriously. Let yourself laugh at the funny things and then even laugh at the times that are hard. Remember that you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to have everything figured out by the time you're twenty-three. Trust me, you won't anyways.

I hope that you will be happy, truly. Don't allow others words, or actions dictate your happiness. If you get to the point where you feel as though you are being taken advantage of or hurt or controlled, stop it. Don't let people hurt you in your life because they are hurting in theirs. Stay strong and stand up for yourself. Always stand up for yourself.

And again, remember to keep your childlike heart, believe the best in people, hope for greatness and live for adventure.

Love,

Your twenty-three year old self

When You've Hit Bottom

I've always heard that it's good when you've hit rock bottom, because then there's nowhere to go but up. But what people don't tell you, is that when you're at rock bottom how crippling it actually is.

You don't feel enlightened because you can see up and see that life will be so much better after this point.

It just feels like it's not going to end.

Today, I may have hit my rock bottom.

Recently I've been struggling with anxiety a lot.

Mainly because I feel as though my life is going no where and I'm basically letting people make decisions for me.

I don't stand up for myself, I don't confront people when they hurt me, and I definitely don't initiate my future.

Today I woke up with the worst thought that I have ever had in my entire life.

It would be so much easier if I wasn't here. Honestly.

I sat on my bed with tears running down my face trying to wrap my head around getting ready for work whilst basically having an anxiety attack.

I felt like i couldn't fully breathe and I began writing in my journal, about how scared I was.

I've never in my life have I had a thought that dark. Twisted maybe, but never to the extent that taking my own life would somehow make my life easier. It scared the shit out of me.

So as I was writing, basically screaming into my journal, I begged from my heart for God to help me through this, to help me breathe.

Then something happened, a spark you could say, that ignited this fight in my heart. I was pissed.

I'm still pissed.

So pissed that I let the comments, and judgements of others contemplate my healthy mindset.

So very angry that I somehow let myself get isolated enough to think that I had to settle for this.

That I had to settle for someone treating me this way and that there was no way out.

No. No. No. NO.

I am mad.

I am mad that I have allowed this to happen to me. That I have allowed things to get this far because I'm afraid of hurting someones feelings by telling them that they've hurt mine. NO.

I am mad, that I gave up. I gave up living on my own with good friends to come home and be stuck and be pushed around.

I am mad that people never tell you how hard life really is, and then it's a complete culture shock when you start having to make your own decisions when no one let you before.

I am angry. That I feel as though my dreams aren't good enough, or that I am not good enough to achieve them.

Just no.

This was my rock bottom. But I let it come to this.

If me being completely angry and pissed off at the world is going to set me into motion, then lets have it. Bring on the internal flame that will burn in my belly.

Bring on the purification of my life by fire and the ripping up of roots that must split apart to be healthy.

I am ready to move on, finally from this place I have let my heart live.

I'm ready to move on. I've hit my rock bottom, and I don't know how long I will be here, but I know that I will not sit down here doing nothing.

There Is No End

I've always known that I'm terrible at communication. At least when said communication, is me communicating when things are not okay.

Equalling me confronting someone; a friend, an employee, a parent, etc.

I'm terrible at it because it usually needs to happen after a certain amount of time has passed and the same thing has continued to happen, continued to hurt.

If you know me at all you know that I will go as long as humanly possible taking hits, being teased, being hurt, being upset, well, basically letting people walk all over me, before I say anything.

It sucks because it's not just one person, it's multiple people, it's people that aren't even in my life anymore, it's people that are still very much in my life if not the closest people to me.

It's people that despite our friendship being as long as it is, don't actually know me as well as they should.

They don't understand how truly sensitive I am, or what I've actually been through. Because I haven't trusted enough people to speak it.

I've been cut very deep by the people closest to me and I think it makes it hard to let people in because I don't want them to get that close to end up hurting me. Especially when I see similar tendencies in them as I do in the person that did the initial hurting.

And despite all of the pain someone has caused me, intentional or not, it's still the hardest thing for me to bring it up and tell them what they have done. Like I don't want them to get upset that I'm bringing up what they did to hurt me. Or I don't want them to get defensive and then I stop presenting my side and start defending them instead so they can leave the conversation feeling better than I do.

It's not like I want to do it to hurt them either, I'm doing it so that they will understand and try not to do those things, or say those things. Then by the time I've gotten the courage to say something, I wonder, is it just me? Am I just too sensitive?

It doesn't matter.

People need to know when they are hurting you, and if they are good people, they will try to stop.

I know I'm mainly just saying all this for myself, because I need to be stronger that this.

I need to be stronger than I am.

I am weak. I am scared, and I am untrusting.

I need to be stronger and stand up for myself. If I don't like the way that I am being talked down to, I need to ask politely if they can stop treating me like I'm inferior, or talking to me like I'm stupid.

I am weak. So I can't.

I need to be courageous and believe that my life matters, my opinions matter, my feelings matter, and my need for respect matters.

I am not courageous.

I need to be trusting in my friends. I need to trust my parents. I need to trust coworkers. I need to trust people and believe that they care enough about me to let me speak my mind. I need to trust that one friendship will not fall to pieces if I open up and say that I don't like the way they've been treating me. That it won't fall apart if I tell them what's really happened to me.

I need to trust that people will still love me, despite my wounds, despite my fears, despite my darkness, and despite my past. Even now I need to trust that people I love will read this and not get upset, but understand that there are things I can't say.

But I don't trust.

And there is no end.

Laugh

"How wonderful is it that we laugh because our bodies cannot contain the joy"

---

This quote basically killed me today. You want to know why? Because I cannot even count the number of people that have apologized for the sound, or decibel of their laugh. Sometimes, me and a friend of mine drive around in my car and one of us will laugh ridiculously, and then it spirals out of control into this unspoken contest of who can make the stupidest sounding laugh. And you know what? We laughed.

I've apologized for my laugh. Sometimes I'll be at work and I'll laugh at a friends joke, loudly, and I look towards our bosses office scared that he'll come out and scold me for laughing. Even though he's never given me a reason to believe he would actually do such a thing. Why is it that I feel I need to apologize for laughing? Why does anyone feel that way? It's idiotic.

The only time that maybe I was justified for apologizing after a laugh, was on my first date when I laughed and water squirted out of my mouth. And I'm gonna be honest, that was probably my selling point, because I couldn't really shake him.

I love laughing. I love crying because I'm laughing so hard. You really know that something is funny if you are alone and you are rolling around on the floor cracking up. I'm sure my quadmates all thought I was crazy from all the laughs they heard down the hall because I think everything is funny.

I usually always get insecure when someone points out my laugh. And it's not even bad. Someone will be like, "I love your laugh." And then I overanalyze everything they could be talking about. The sound? How my face looks when I laugh? How I basically open my mouth fully and let the sound echo up and out from my diaphragm?

I don't get it. But I know that it's a compliment that I'm no longer going to let make me feel insecure.

Laughter is beautiful. It's probably one of the most amazing expressions of life. If you can make someone who is sad laugh, I think that you've done a great thing.

About two years ago in college, I remember struggling with myself and who I was. I remember I went through a time where I was even more insecure than I am now. I was sitting in one of my classes and all the sudden out of nowhere, like God was speaking right to my heart I heard Him say that he smiles when I laugh.

God smiles when I laugh. I understand now through that one quote that it's basically what it is. Joy escaping our lips because we cannot contain it. And why wouldn't God smile at His joyful children?

This is the most important thing. Knowing how to laugh and letting the joy consume you. Let your laugh echo in the late night hours. Let your stomach muscles clench so hard because you are laughing so hard. Let your laugh be and don't be insecure about it. God smiles when you laugh.

I Haven't Done Anything

Last night I was watching one of my new favorite movies, and the main character said "It's hard to see people from your past, when your present is so cataclysmically screwed up." I sat there trying not to show on my face that I was having this huge life revelation in front of my parents.

I realized that that is the reason I get anxiety when it comes to seeing people from my past.

Even friends that I haven't seen in two months, will give me anxiety when they ask how I'm doing now that I've moved home.

I wanted to be better than I was. I wanted to be prettier, or thinner, or more successful.

I don't like seeing people from my past because I feel as though I don't have anything to say about my life.

It isn't great.

I haven't accomplished anything.

And I have a terrible self-esteem so I believe this to be true.

But it's not.

It's not true.

I think that the way I've been living has made me this way.

Not wanting to think that I've done good.

My trying to "stay humble" has gone completely in the other direction to where I don't even take compliments well.

So why would I enjoy talking about things that I have done?

Why am I going to spew out things that I like, or accomplished if I'm just going to feel like I'm bragging, or talking too much about myself.

Why?

Because I deserve to.

I realize now that there is a difference between telling people your story and what you've accomplished.

Between sharing things you like and forcing out your opinion.

When people ask me what I've been up to, I am lying to their faces when I say "nothing much."

I just don't want to seem to eager to share myself. I never am.

My friend recently explained to me that I don't usually share myself. People don't necessarily get to know me easily. I may ask questions to try to get to know them, but I never share about me unless people ask, and even then I don't do specifics.

She said that maybe I'm just not comfortable with myself and therefore I don't represent who I am well. I won't share because I feel as though I haven't done anything.

But I want to change that. Desperately.

I don't want to be the girl who is constantly down on herself, and believing the lies that the enemy and myself tell me daily.

I deserve to have people wanting to know me. Meaning that I need to show them that I'm open to that.

I'm open to sharing my life and my interests.

So as a step forward, here are a few things about me:

-In May 2014, I graduated from Life Pacific College with my BA in Transformational Ministry. I graduated from COLLEGE. How cool is that. I made it. With loans, sure, but I made it nevertheless.

-I love movies, and tv shows, and if you honestly give Gilmore Girls a shot I'm sure you would like it.

-I love driving. Alone, with my friends, with the windows down, with the music blasting and me speeding down the road. I've also gotten two speeding tickets for that.

-My friends mean the world to me. If you become one of my close friends, you bet your bottom dollar I will be a protector, a listener, and a person that will give you advice if you want to hear it and then go do the opposite.

-I actually like pretty things. I grew up trying to be a tom-boy and I suppressed all of my feelings for anything remotely girly. So here I am now, 15 years later saying that I'm a girl, and I like pretty things sometimes.

-I have a record player. But I'll be honest, I did just buy it because of it being a trend now. But I do honestly love it.

-I moved home about two months ago because of finances, and basically needing a break from commitments. Including paying rent, and serving as my church's worship leader.

-Which theres another thing. I got to be a worship leader for about half a year. Being a worship leader is what I wanted to do for a really long time, and then I was doing it, and then kind of got burnt out really quick.

-I got a job at a financial firm, and I'm hoping to get better at finances because of it.

-This summer I recorded a low-quality demo with some of my songs on it. Something that I set my mind to and actually achieved before summer ended and my friend had to go back to school.

-I'm pretty good at doing winged eyeliner.

-I performed at an open mic and did one of my own songs. There were barely any people there and I could barely hear myself. But I did it and that's what counts.

So there's a few things about me and a few things i've done. I'm sorry if you actually read through everything. But this was something I needed to do.

"I have come to the realization that, life is more than what I have accomplished and, life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all." - Classic Crime

Sometimes It's Hard.

Sometimes it's hard to be home. I've gotten used to it mostly, but then something will happen and remind me why it was so hard before.

I've gotten used to the not being alone, and basically having no privacy.

I haven't gotten used to the manipulation, chaos, and emotion.

It's funny the things you don't notice when you aren't there.

I have to sit and watch these people take advantage of my family, of my parents.

It's killing me.

It's hard to choose family over family.

It's hard to walk in to my mom's room and find her crying.

It's hard to see the toll things are taking on her.

It's hard not being able to do anything about it.

It's hard.

Friendships

I was talking with one of my best friends today. Mainly just about feelings of obligation, and guilt.

Two things that shouldn't apply to friendships.

I have the opportunity to attend a young adult event tonight at 6pm, at one of my previous friends house.

I say previous, because I feel as though those two words have begun to describe our friendship. At least on my side.

The moment I left for school, ish basically hit the fan for this friend.

His life kind of got really hard, and he was depressed all the time and calling me needing encouragement.

Which as the INFP that I am, I did the best I could and immediately started to feed the changing friendship that would later be labeled as codependent.

When I would come home to visit, they would always want to hangout and I would say yes, and then later feel like I had to and would make up excuses not to go. He began to think I was a flake, which I kind of was, purposefully.

But hanging out with this person was starting to feel like a chore, an obligation, and I would feel guilted into it.

I am in no place to try and fix anyone, I can barely take care of myself. But I felt as though I needed to go because he didn't have anyone else.

I am always so caught up in what my actions are going to do to other people, that I, most of the time, live for others rather than myself.

If I could possibly hurt someone in some way by my actions, I will try everything else no matter what the inconvenience to me.

I want to live my life. You know?

I want to live and breathe honesty, and have healthy relationships.

I want to have friendships that aren't ridden with obligation.

So do I go? I'm finally free from that friendship. I've gone a good amount of time without feeling guilted into it.

Do I go and risk getting into it again?

I know that Jesus wants us to love everyone, and I am trying my best. But can I love from afar?

I think it's fair to do so.

I think that I truly want the best for this person, but I also want what's best for me, and right now that's taking care of myself.

Letting God fix my heart and help me have boundaries.

I need healing from this relationship.

Friendships are never easy. There are always ups and downs. But mostly, there is give and take. And for the past four years I feel that all this friendship has been is take.

What do I do?

Lord help me...